Animal shelter employee asks if she's wrong for 'training' a guy she's dating 'like a dog.' AITA?

"AITA for 'training' a guy 'like a dog?'"

I (23F) have recently started seeing this guy (26M). He’s super pretty, but he’s kind of emotionally unavailable and he’s alluded to an unstable/ unhealthy childhood. For context, I also work with socializing abused and neglected dogs at a local shelter and I think how much time I spend with the dogs is impacting the way I interact with people.

When we were on a date, I started subconsciously making mental notes about him like the notes I'd make about a dog. For example, I noticed when we went out to dinner I noticed he ate really quickly and was very anti-sharing (resource guarding) but when I offered to pay and suggested dessert it seemed to make him really happy and a little calmer (food-motivated)...

He’s really particular about his car (territorial/ crate aggression); he likes when I pick where we go/what we do (eager to please), etc. so, I've started using the tactics I'd use on a dog w similar problems.

Recently, a friend (22F) pointed out that it’s weird that I keep peanut M&Ms on me with the specific purpose of offering the guy one when I see him, and offering them again whenever I can tell he feels vulnerable. She said that I'm being an ahole bc he’s a person, not a dog so I shouldn’t be “training him like one.”

I don’t think that’s fair, I'm not trying to control him or anything, I just want him to feel comfortable w me the same way i need the animals I'm helping to be comfortable w me.

Humans and animals aren’t THAT different after all, we all just want to feel safe and cared for. The guy hasn’t noticed yet as far as I can tell. the problem is, my “technique” is yielding really positive results. AITA? Should I stop?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Historical_Volume806 said:

The peanut m&ms is a step too far into Pavlovian training him into liking you. Taking note of behaviors and things you can do to put him at ease are fine. The m&ms are too much.

Quimeraecd said:

Dog trainer here. Behavioral techniques work with all animal and I use some with My kids but some of what you are doing is messed up. We are always complaining about human anthropomorphizing their dogs and you are doing the exact same thing when you read dog behaviors in a human. I also doubt that and M&M would be good for reinforcing a grownup behavior. The values of the stimuli is just to low.

Jack_of_Spades said:

"I want to train this person to behave in a way I find desirable without them realizing it" is generally not a great stance to take.

theringsofthedragon said

YTA. It's manipulative if you do it to humans. Like you're purposefully planning to give him M&Ms to create a positive association when he sees you.

Chem1st said:

YTA. You're not his trainer, you're (supposed to be) his partner. If you don't like who he is as a person, either talk to him about it and try to work though it together, or break up. Don't manipulate him. If he started giving you treats in some form only when, for example, you expressed a personality trait he liked, how would you feel?

Slow-Gift2268 said:

Yeah. You’re TA. People are not dogs. Their motivations and reactions are significantly more complex than simple behavior modification. You have absolutely no clue how to deal with any possible problems that he may or may not have.

Even if you did have some clue what the hell you’re doing, you can’t date people you are treating. It’s exploitative. He did not ask for or consent to being a part of your weird “treatment.” People are not dogs.

MisterFixit314 said:

YTA in a very major way. Your friend is right. It's absolutely bananas that you think a dog's motivations, needs, and behaviors mirror a human's. This is the definition of de-humanizing someone.

You are literally treating him like a dog. If you took a few seconds to think about that or actually empathize at all with him, it'd be so obvious. The fact you haven't realized it on your own leads me to believe you're not thinking or empathizing in a genuine way.

VivianaRay_ said:

YTA. He's not a golden retriever, girl. You're not bonding - you're behavior -modifying.