'AITA for asking my fiancé for a prenup after he fought against it and caused a family blowout?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for asking my fiance for a prenup after he fought against one?"

My fiance is rich. He only told me this after he proposed, which was a few weeks ago. Before that I knew he made more than me, and his family were doing alright for themselves, but not that it was at that level.

After proposing he let me in on the full extent of his finances. He's not a billionaire by any stretch of the imagination, and could never live the rest of his life off solely this money, but it's still a large enough amount that I get why he didn't tell me sooner.

We went to his family home to announce the engagement. His parents, who on the whole we have a decent relationship with, asked to talk to me alone shortly after. I went with them. They then told me that they felt it would be prudent to have me talk to a lawyer and sign a prenup.

They said they'd make it very fair, no stupid clauses or anything like that, and they'd sort me out with a separate impartial lawyer to help me go through it, but they felt it fair that my fiance was protected in a worst case scenario.

While I didn't want to plan for divorce, I did see where they were coming from, and this honestly sounds like the fairest approach to a prenup I've ever heard, considering the way they were phrasing it was as a formality we hopefully wouldn't need that they'd try to keep as fair as possible.

However, when my fiance asked what they talked to me about, and I told him, sh!t hit the fan. Evidently they are not as fond of me as I am of them, and they've said some things about me to him before now, apparently implying we should/will break up. I didn't know this, so when he found out what they'd said he yelled at them over it as he felt they were anticipating our divorce.

They argued back that they were trying to protect him, but he said a few more things in anger and took me home, saying they could go F themselves. They've since apologised to him and me for the comments they made about me previously.

However, recently I have been told by my boss that I stand a chance at promotion. I will never earn as much as he does, but I will be earning a decent amount, and I've done some research and in this prenup we can also sort out our respective debts (mine is nearly gone while he hasn't started paying his off yet) and all finance related issues.

I would really prefer to sort those out now, before marriage, than have to deal with them further down the line. I know I'll be at a disadvantage, but it just seems like the most logical option. WIBTA if I suggested the prenup after he's just had a blowout with his family over it?

Info regarding the debt: It's student debt and we're in the UK, which means he doesn't need to pay it back until his job pays over a certain amount. His current job is about 2k short of that threshold, and because of that he is not concerned with paying this debt off he's not felt the need to prioritise it.

however if we were to marry and then divorce (again, worst case scenario and I wouldn't have accepted his proposal if I didn't feel this was a "rest of our lives" sort of deal) I've been informed that as he intends to undergo a couple more degrees (including a possible PHD) after we get married, that debt will be acquired within our marriage, so if we were to later divorce, half that debt would be mine.

The debt he racked up before marriage wouldn't be my responsibility, but any debt acquired during would be split in the divorce. He could pay his half off easily, but I couldn't.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

Oof, this is a tough one. NAH between you and your fiance (in fact he's an absolute legend for standing up for you like that), but I think if you do this it's going to feel like a big slap in the face for him.

Chewing out his parents over the prenup was his way of telling them in no uncertain terms that he trusts you and is all in, and I think you bringing up the prenup after he did that will feel as though you're taking his parents' side or that you let them get into your head.

That doesn't make you TA as I understand where you're coming from, but I just can't see any way that this doesn't hurt him. Good luck whatever you choose to do and congrats on the engagement.

Grumpy_Troll said:

NAH - your BF sounds like he was mad because of his parents suggesting it with the implication of your marriage not lasting. If you suggest it to him because it's what prudent people do, similar to buying insurance, I think he will be much more accepting of it.

VortexMagus said:

NTA. Personally I view prenups as a declaration of love. Since you know exactly what your financial circumstances will be after the divorce, and a fair prenup will ensure both parties are taken care of, then the only possible reason for staying together with a marriage with a prenup is that you actually want to stay together and love each other.

Without a prenup, you're kinda chaining down each other financially and creating a situation where you might stay married despite not being in love anymore, since neither of you can predict the outcome of a divorce and who takes the most financial damage.

Not having a prenup also means that someone who is looking to exploit the other partner or take their assets might have more incentive to be deceptive and manipulative until they're in a good position to get a bigger slice - something which a prenup negates entirely.

orangepeel911 said:

NTA (his family is, not him). I think you need to talk to him about what would honestly make him the most comfortable. I wouldn't do anything simply to appease his family and make them feel like they won/have a say in your marriage.

cynicalchemical said:

Yta, but a small one. This was a hill he was willing to die on for your sake, and now your telling him that it's the wrong hill.

OP responded:

That's about what I figured tbh. Probably won't get into it, or at the very least I'll wait to broach it as the thing with his family was very recent.

And starshine1988 said:

NAH but I think you're going to be in for a fight and hurt feelings on his side for wanting one. To him, he fought against having one because he believes in your love & wants you to be treated fairly if you do divorce, yadda yadda.

I think a MUCH better idea would be to go to a financial planner together and talk about the realities of his debt with the encouragement that he pay that shit off before you're married so you both have a clean slate. & also get more facts about how mutual debt (like a house) or personal debt (like if he runs up a credit card behind your back) will involve you.

Talk about your plans for the future and major shared financial goals.

She later shared this update:

We talked, he's going to settle up the student loans ASAP and pay for any additional education out of pocket going forward. He's basically said he still doesn't see the point of getting one and now he's sorting out his debt.

I'm not as concerned as I was previously but we're going to consult a lawyer to see if it's even worth it as it can be easily dismissed and what's really needed (and will be way more useful than a prenup we'll never need) is a proper sit down talk about budgeting/spending going forward, which a lot of you have pointed out.