'AITA for asking my husband's female friend to leave because I think he might be cheating?'
"AITA for asking my husband's female friend to leave because I think he might be cheating?"
Throwaway_9217
My husband (32M) and I (30F) have been married for four years and live in a comfortable two-bedroom apartment. Recently, his close friend who I will call "Emily" (32F) lost her job and was evicted from her apartment. They've been friends since college and have always been close.
When Emily found herself in this tough situation, she asked if she could stay with us for "a while" until she got back on her feet. I was hesitant and expressed my concerns to my husband.
I value our privacy and the routines we’ve established as a couple. Besides, Emily has stayed with us before, and while she's polite, she tends to overstay her welcome and treat our home like a hotel.
Despite my reservations, my husband insisted we let her stay, saying it was only temporary and he couldn't turn his back on his friend. I reluctantly agreed to let Emily stay with us for a week, with the understanding that she would actively look for a job and a new place to live.
It's been three weeks now, and Emily hasn't made much progress. She spends most of her time watching TV, eating our food, and not contributing to household chores. I've noticed that my husband and Emily spend a lot of time together, laughing and talking late into the night.
A few days ago, I walked in on them having a hushed conversation that immediately stopped when I entered the room. They both looked guilty, and my husband brushed it off, saying they were just reminiscing.
My husband has also been very defensive whenever I bring up Emily's situation, accusing me of being unsupportive and paranoid. Last night, I told Emily she needed to find somewhere else to stay by the end of the week. My husband is furious with me, accusing me of being heartless and not understanding the importance of friendship.
Given their behavior and the secretive conversations, I can't help but suspect something more might be going on between them. I don't want to come off as uncaring, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of in my own home or potentially blindsided by something worse. AITA for asking Emily to leave because I suspect they might be cheating?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Oishiio42
NTA, but I wouldn't make the cheating suspicions part of your reasoning. It might be valid, but combining these into one thing puts you in a hard to defend position. You're kicking her out because you agreed to one week on the condition she was looking for work and housing, and she didn't do either and it's now been three weeks.
And it is not the first time it has happened. She doesn't need to be the other woman for you to kick her out. If you justify kicking her out on the basis of suspected cheating, it becomes a fight about that accusation.
If he's actually not cheating, or you can't prove he is, now your justification is rocky. Idk if you've accused him or not, but if you haven't, I'd keep it to yourself for now until this issue is resolved and you have more definitive reasons for your suspicions.
owls_and_cardinals
Definitely NTA. You're in a tough spot but your desires and tolerance for a long(ish)-term guest are very reasonable as far as I'm concerned - you've ALREADY accommodated what he wanted in helping her out and he's being TOTALLY disrespectful by not helping to enforce the duration you were expecting and for treating you badly for not just be willing for this to go on and on. Unacceptable.
Now, kicking Emily out is not going to solve the problem of a cheating husband. This is a big deal, OP. If you have so little trust for your husband or so little security in your relationship that her presence (and their behavior) has you questioning his fidelity, it's time for a serious discussion and therapy.
It's not just taken care of when she finally moves. All in all, you are being COMPLETELY reasonable for enforcing a deadline and your husband is being a huge AH, as is Emily.
OGBrewSwayne
If you suspect they are having physical/emotional relations beyond normal friendship, then removing her from the home doesn't solve your actual problem. You need to bring this up with your husband first and foremost since he is the one you're married to and he would be the one who is cheating.
You also need to have a talk with your husband about his freeloading friend who is contributing nothing to the household and making no effort to put herself in a position to leave anytime soon. I don't know if their actions (as you've described them) are enough to suspect infidelity on his part, but her behavior is certainly worthy of being asked to leave. NTA.
stroppo
NTA for not wanting a long term house guest. Though I think you were unrealistic in initially agreeing to "a week"; did you really think she'd find both a new job and a place to live in that time?
I don't think cheating is the issue you should be worried about. It sounds like you wouldn't want her to stay too long anyway, even if you had no thoughts of your husband cheating.
It's that she doesn't seem to be looking for work, is eating your food, and not contributing to the household chores. Explain this to your husband. And if he still wants to see as "unsupportive," so be it.
TemptingPenguin369
NTA for her having already breached your agreement for her to stay one week and actively search for a job and a home. However, as an adult, you should know that cheaters will find a way to cheat whether or not they're under the same roof. You'll still have the same husband problem if she's out of your home.
seregil42
NTA, but the real reason you should be kicking her out is because the agreement was for 1 week and she's been there for 3. I don't know for certain that your husband is cheating on you with her (there are certainly some warning signs, though), but kicking her out won't stop that.