'AITA for asking my stay at home wife to use some of my money for myself?'
"AITA for asking my stay at home wife to use some of my money for myself?"
I work full time as a welder at a steel mill. Hours can vary from 48 to 62 hours weekly. I also serve part time in the Air Force Reserves and build and sell furniture as a side hustle. My wife is a stay at home Mom for our 3 kids. This was a decision I support as I grew up with a stay at home parent and feel like it greatly enriched my home life during my childhood and feel like the trade off from the benefits of dual income was worth it to give my kids the same privilege I grew up with.
It was agreed she would handle the finances including taxes, paying off bills managing debt and mortgages ect. All of my income from job, military and side hustle all go towards financing my family. We live in NY state so life is expensive. I love our situation and I have no issues being the sole provider for my families income. I love my wife and our marriage is in a good spot. She is an incredible Mother to our kids and I'm happy to provide the lifestyle she wanted.
However there is one sore spot in our financial situation and that's money alotted to me for my own personal purchases. Whenever I want to get something over $10 I make it a habit of asking my wife if it's feasible as she knows better then I do. I don't spend a lot. Sometimes I just want a new tool for my workshop or new video game. Most of the time she just tells me we can't afford it at the time.
During the United Steel Workers Union strike I worked a few extra side hustles to keep us afloat as unemployment money was not enough to keep us ahead until the strike was over. One of these was donating plasma. Each donation you get $50 and you can go twice a week so $100 a week was a nice boost.
After the strike ended and I went back to work I continued donating plasma not only because I felt like it was a nice way to contribute to a dire need with little to no effort on my behalf but thought I could use the extra cash for myself for a tattoo I've been wanting to get.
Recently my wife asked me when I was going to cash out the plasma money because it's been a while and I told her what I was saving it for. She got upset about it and told me we needed it for other things and couldn't afford for.it to be used for a tattoo. This confused me as I was back to work and nothing changed about our financial situation where we needed more money so I assumed it would just be extra money.
She told me she didn't understand why I would value something trivial as a tattoo over our family and made me feel guilty about it. I feel like I dont ask for much. I see a lot of couples who keep their money separately and divide who pays off the bills but that doesn't work with our situation.
Some people I know who are the sole providers demand an allowance of money weekly they can spend on whatever they want weather to blow it in one week or save it up but that's their money to spend alone. All I want is the little I get from donating to spend on something that I personally want. Is my financial situation healthy? And am I the ahole for wanting to spend my plasma money on myself?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
SquareParking152 said:
I would tell her you want to sit down and go over finances together. Unless you are still getting caught up from unemployment then I don’t see why you couldn’t use the extra toward something you wanted.
Curious-One4595 said:
NTA. But it’s time for you to start participating in managing the finances. At least so you are informed as to where your money is being spent and what your monthly budget is like. You may be in for some unpleasant surprises. Keep your plasma money. You deserve a little more personal spending freedom than you are allowing her to dictate for you. P.S. Is she donating plasma too?
Still_Storm7432 said:
I don't get this. Having one partner have total control over finances. You're partners. You should both know what the money is being spent on and how much disposable income you have.
jeffprop said:
NTA. It is dangerous for you to not be involved with your finances in some way. You should know how much your monthly expenses are compared to what you are earning to see if you both can get an allowance. Do you know if she is not already doing that for herself and complaining that you want to do it?
FAFO-13 said:
NTA. But you have absolutely no idea what’s going on with your finances and you should make it your priority to find out. You should both have access to funds to do things for yourselves. Very curious to see how your wife has been managing your money.
ayesh00 said:
NTA. You may be financially abused. If this post were reverse genders, people would be screaming. As long as all the needed items are being paid both and your wife should be getting a discretionary amount each month to be used as you each zde fot without needing to consult the other.
If that means saving it for a year to buy something big, so be it, if that means getting sweets and treats, so be it. BTW, I'm the STAHM in our equation and yes all big purchases are discussed and decided upon by both of us, but we also each have our private amounts which we can use without having to discuss first.
Later, OP provided an edit:
This was probably one of the most constructive feedback I've ever gotten. Thank you all for being civil and informative with your comments. My takeaway is I need to be more involved or at minimum be more aware of our financial situation. That seems to be the glaring issue. Not only to get more onsite on the plasma situation but to be more prepared if anything we're to happen to my wife I could be able to properly handle the finances. I'm planning on having a conversation with her about finances once we get the chance.
For those of you asking to be kept in the loop about if there is something nefarious going on her handling of the finances If that is the case (doubt it) I'd like to keep that between my wife and myself. Lastly for those of you saying NY isn't expensive to live in have either never lived in NY or have never lived anywhere other then NY. Politics aside I don't think any rational person could deny it's an expensive state to live in currently.