'AITA for backing out of planning my sister's wedding last minute because she didn't invite my partner?'
"AITA for backing out of planning my conservative sister's wedding last minute because she didn't invite my partner?"
My (28M) sister (32F) is getting married in a couple of months. My partner (30M) and I have been together for 4 years, and we're very serious. He’s been nothing but kind to my family, even though they're conservative, and sometimes vocal about their thoughts on our relationship.
A few weeks ago, my sister sent out her wedding invitations. I was shocked to see that my partner wasn't invited. When I asked her why, she said she didn't think it was necessary to invite him because "we're not married yet" and she wanted to keep the guest list small. However, I've noticed that she invited several plus-ones of our other relatives and friends who aren't married either.
For some context, my family is Catholic and very religious. When I came out as gay in my early teens, it split the family. It has taken a long time for everyone to move past their differences, but in the last 5 or so years things have started to feel somewhat normal again.
Despite this, my sister still makes subtle remarks about disagreeing with my sexuality sometimes, which makes me think there might be another reason behind her decision.
To further complicate things, I’m a wedding planner and have been helping my sister with planning free of charge. We were really close as kids, and that kind of fell apart when I came out, so I was excited about the opportunity to do something for her and to be involved in her special day.
I tried to talk to her and explain how hurtful not inviting my partner was and how it felt like she was intentionally excluding him. She brushed me off and said it was her wedding and she could invite whoever she wanted.
I told her that if she couldn't respect my relationship, I wouldn't be able to support her on her big day. This includes helping her with wedding preparations, which I've been heavily involved in up to this point.
Additionally, several of the vendors she's working with are close friends of mine, and they have expressed their discomfort with the situation. She may lose some of them as a result, and will likely have to hire another wedding planner, which will significantly increase her costs.
Now my family is furious with me. My parents are saying that I'm overreacting and that I should just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. They think I’m being petty and selfish for backing out of helping my sister just because my partner wasn't invited. My sister, of course, is playing the victim and saying that I'm ruining her wedding.
I feel strongly about standing up for my partner and our relationship, but the backlash from my family is making me second-guess myself. AITA for refusing to help my sister with her wedding because she didn't invite my partner?
EDIT:
My sister is marrying a man she met through, and is heavily involved with, the church that they attend. It is the same church that I attended as a child and teen, but eventually left due to their bigotry.
He has always been tolerant of my partner and I, but any conversation I've tried to have with him has been one-sided and unengaging. It's always been a bit awkward, but he's never been outright rude to us.
Apparently his family is even more conservative than my own, and I'm almost certain that is why my partner isn't invited. My sister denies my sexuality having any forbearance on her decision, but I'm almost positive that she's excluding him in order to keep the peace on her wedding day.
I also wanted to say that I didn't immediately tell all of the vendors about the situation. They all work together frequently, and found out on their own when I had to explain to the catering company why I was no longer helping with the wedding.
I have no say in whether or not any of them continue with the wedding, but I expect them to drop out, especially if another planner is not hired, as my sister is terrible with planning and communication.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
JuliaX1984 said:
NTA Tell your family to tell your sister she's overreacting and she should just suck it up for the sake of family harmony, that she's being petty and selfish for not inviting your partner just because he's a man.
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. Tell your sister you hope she has a nice wedding. Then you and your partner go do something fun just the two of you that day. I have zero sympathy for aholes.
Immediate_Mud_2858 said:
NTA. Saw this somewhere here and it makes perfect sense: “You shouldn’t be expected to celebrate the relationship of people who won’t even recognize yours.”
DawnShakhar said:
NTA. Good for you! You and your partner are a couple. Anyone who doesn't recognize that does not deserve your company or your help, and your partner does deserve your loyalty. Why should you suck it up for the sake of family harmony, when she is the one disrupting the family harmony by excluding your partner?
And a bit of advice: Your sister may panic and give in, and invite your partner, in order to enlist your help. If she does that, you should take into account the possibility that once she has received your help, she will disinvite him.
At this point I'd just wish her a happy wedding, tell her you aren't coming and won't be helping her, and stick to it. The only thing I'd do for her is ask your vendor friends not to cancel their part in her wedding.
Dresden_Mouse said:
NTA. She treating you as a second rate citizen so, she does not deserve your or your contributions to make her wedding, she can go other planer more in her "line."
JoanneAsbury42 said:
WTF?? Why does anyone think that they can have it both ways?? Why sacrifice your relationship for hers? NTA