'AITA for banning my husband from my prenatal appointments until he goes to therapy?'
"AITA for telling my husband he can’t come to my doctor's appointments anymore until he goes to therapy?"
I am 29 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. My husband and I were so excited when we found out because a few years ago we suffered an unfortunate loss of our baby at 24 week gestation. Our baby just wasn’t developing correctly and there was nothing we could do. It was just one of those sad things.
I went to therapy for it, and came to terms with it but my husband never did. As much as I asked and begged he didn’t. Now, every time we go to a doctor appointment, he essentially has a panic attack going, during and coming back talking about how we are going to lose this baby too. It’s been happening since we found out, so that’s 29 weeks of this.
I go to doctors appointments fairly frequently due to some minor issues that have caused me to be considered high risk. After my last appointment while coming home my husband told me we should start considering the worst and looking into urns and cremation in case we lose this one too.
This is where I told him he needed to go to therapy and I wouldn’t be having him come with me because he stresses me out and that’s not good for our (healthy) baby and for my blood pressure which is what is making me high risk until he does get therapy.
He told me I’m being unreasonable and he’s being realistic, and that I can’t stop him from going with me because it’s his baby too. This was last week and he has been cold and still hasn’t made a therapy appointment and honestly has been kind of hostile towards me.
I know he’s just scared we’re going to lose our baby but having him with me is maybe the cause of what could make us lose our baby because he makes me so stressed. AITA?
Edit: I don’t live in America. The apparent national mandate of your spouse not being allowed to be with you in the hospital, as far as I know, is an American thing. Not where I am.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
ReformedZiontologist said:
NTA! Definitely stay on top of that high blood pressure. (Mine turned out to be HELLP syndrome) Also, your husband deserves therapy. Have you ever pitched it that way? My husband sometimes has this "it's my job to suffer on behalf of my family" complex he inherited from his father, and I have to really convince him that he deserves to be happy. It's not a sign of weakness. It's not selfish.
It's not being less of a man, or any dumb bullshit like that. You're a human being. You went through something deeply traumatic. You deserve to be happy again. That won't happen magically on its own, so you've gotta find a therapy that works for you.
I know being vulnerable is scary, and that makes therapy off-putting to say the least. But you deserve to be happy, so we've got to figure out what form will make that happen for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy and healthy baby! Take care of yourself, OP.
nannylive said:
NTA......You are the patient. No one goes to appointment that stresses you. But...dad needs to get some counseling for the baby's good, otherwise he is likely to be anxious and overprotective after the birth
A suggestion: Could you call ahead to speak to your OB provider before your next appointment, tell them the issue with your husband and ask them to recommend counseling (and a counselor) to help husband work through grief and anxiety. Then you can invite him to appointment and start helping him with his problem at the same time.
Maleficent_Ad_3958 said:
NTA. Go to your appointments by yourself. He needs to stop doing this and should be told that he's NOT helping. Is there any relative/friend that has gone through something like this that can back you up on this and get him to get help? If he keeps this up, you might have to move out temporarily with family that can give you more help and less stress.
And [deleted] said:
NTA. It’s actually the opposite. You’re being realistic and he’s being unreasonable. He needs therapy if he wants a better life in the future with his kid(s) and you.