'AITA because I went on my honeymoon without my brand new wife?' 'We had nonrefundable tickets.' UPDATED

"AITA because I went on my honeymoon without my brand new wife since she 'had' to take care of her sister?"

I just got married. My wife, Tonya, basically raised her sister, Marie, after their mom passed away. Even after their dad remarried Tonya and her sister were more mom/daughter than sisters.

Marie got married last year and she got pregnant right away. No not before. They figure they got pregnant on their honeymoon. Marie went into premature labor at our wedding reception. She gave birth to a tiny but healthy baby girl. And for some reason Tonya decided that she needed to go take care of her.

We were supposed to leave for our honeymoon two days after our wedding but Tonya said she couldn't just leave. She isn't a doctor or a nurse. Marie has a dad, a stepmom, a husband, a mother and father in law. I don't understand why she had to go.

But we had nonrefundable tickets. And insurance didn't cover "I have to stay and take care of my sister" as part of the coverage. Plus I had booked two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon. So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself.

I got a massive bed all to myself. I used all the resort credits that were for couples massages, romantic excursions, and special meals on deep sea fishing and a dune buggy tour of the island. I just got back and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoons by myself.

Was I supposed to let the money go to waste? Was I supposed to sit at home playing Diablo while I waited for her to be done? We are fighting about it. My friends all agree that I would have been dumb to waste the money and my time off.

Her friends think I was a d-k to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby. I will add that there was no place for me to stay at Marie's house. Tonya is sleeping in the nursery since the baby is still in NICU.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Longwinded_Ogre said:

NTA. His wife didn't need him. He's not arguing his wife should have come. He's asking if he did anything wrong when he was otherwise just going to be at home alone, uninvolved with any of the goings on with the nephew, and the trip would have been a total loss, money wise. He didn't do anything wrong. Y'all are nuts. He wouldn't have been at the hospital supporting anyone. He would have been at home, alone.

N0b0dy-Imp0rtant said:

NTA, not even a little. Your new wife made a choice to stay and leave you on your honeymoon, her sister wasn’t in any real danger and she had a good support system in place without her.

Having said that, you two have clearly started your marriage on the wrong foot and it will take a serious amount of time and effort to work out if it’s possible. It’s clear you feel hurt and she feels the same so there will have to be some serious and hard conversations to have with each other.

Late_Perception_7173 said:

Nta. The baby isn't even home from the hospital!?!? She could've given her equal support over FaceTime. She's enmeshed with her sister and needs to reprioritize now that's she's married.

Difficult_Process_88 said:

No, NTA Your wife didn’t want to miss out on anything with the newborn so she really didn’t care about the honeymoon and expected you to just stay home and cool your heels. She wasn’t expecting you to actually go on your honeymoon alone. Now she’s pissed because she knows she wasn’t needed and didn’t miss anything and you had a great time without her! How dare you!

ThePearlEarring said:

NTA. I'm a former NICU mom. While the baby is in the NICU, especially if the baby is there for the long haul, there's not much to do unless you're the parents or the medical staff. I sent my husband back to work, and told my family to come and help after the baby is home, when help is actually required.

ProfPlumDidIt said:

NTA and this is a marriage I don't see lasting long. By the time you guys were due to leave, the emergency had passed and even Marie was telling your wife to go on the trip.

Your wife disregarded everyone's wishes and come to stay when she is honestly just in the way because it's what SHE wanted to do. It really sounds like your wife has control issues at least regarding her sister.

Then she thinks you should have just sat home bored and miserable, not to mention pissing away a lot of money just because she somehow feels like if she's not having fun, then no one gets to have fun. She is not a person you will ever be able to reason with.

lavender_i said:

NTA. She didn’t have to be there, she chose to be. What a horrible waste of money. Y’all could’ve planned to be there before and after. Maybe she felt at fault for her sister going into labor but you can’t control those things.

You CAN control the tone of which you set a marriage and wasting your non refundable honeymoon when she’s got more than two people for support is overkill… I’d feel I’d be in the way of her recovery. Send the sister massage vouchers and a care kit and plan to see her upon the return? She’s doing a bit too much.

UPDATE:

The baby, Emily, is home and healthy. Just tiny. My sister in law kicked my wife out the day the baby came home. Tonya wouldn't let her do anything. Marie told her that she had plenty of help. Tonya said she didn't mind sticking around. Marie told her that her and her husband did have a problem with it. Marie also told all her relatives that if Tonya was staying with them they weren't allowed over until she left.

Tonya asked if would mind if she rented an Airbnb so she could stay nearby. I said I would prefer if she came home. We had an argument. I said that we should just not actually get married if this was going to be my life. Tonya came home to fight face to face. We had the fancy wedding and reception in Iowa for her family. We were going to get "officially" married in Colorado after we got back from the honeymoon.

She wants to know why I'm having second thoughts. I showed her the original post and how almost 50% of the comments were calling for an annulment. I said we are both young and can walk away without losing much. All the gifts are in her dad's garage and they are easy enough to return.

I said that there was no way I was going to out up with being the third wheel in our marriage. She has agreed to start going to counseling and we are going to hold off on getting the paperwork settled for one year to give her a chance to decide what she wants. If she says that her sister comes first after one year then I'm out.

That's all. No more drama. Thanks for everyone who told me where I stood. I love Tonya but I love myself too. Everyone who said I was an ahole for not understanding why she was needed is wrong.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

SoCalThrowAway7 said:

Wowzers, trying to rent an airbnb to be where you are explicitly not wanted. She's got some issues

DawnShakhar said:

It's very revealing here that Tonya took over Marie till the baby came home, and that as soon as the baby came home Marie told her to leave. Even more revealing is that Tonya tried to stay, and Marie had to evoke her husband's wishes as well as her own to get Tonia to leave.

The fact is, that not only did Tonya prioritize Marie's needs over your honeymoon, but that her "help" was actually interference and unwanted. The one who needed for Tonia to go to Marie was Tonya, not Marie.

If your marriage has any chance of success, Tonya has to work out her feelings towards Marie, and learn to let her go. As long as Tonya's self-worth is invested in being a helper to Marie (whether Marie wants her help or not), your marriage is doomed.

Puzzleheaded_Pay431 said:

Nta. Your wife is really obsessed with her sister. She needs her own individual counseling. Good luck on your relationship.

joe-lefty500 said:

NTA I think you handled it very well, well nigh flawlessly starting with going on the honeymoon and slowly things down and giving it a year. Frankly I think your partner has the greater burden to carry and I think she has treated you badly. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

omrmajeed said:

There is no point in waiting a year. This doesn't work for you, you need to get out NOW. There is no point in having a relationship with her. She doesn't just love her sister, she wants to control and micromanage her whole life.

Do you want her to love you like that. Even if you become her 1st priority, she will smother you to death. She is showing you who she is, take note and run away from her.

SerenaSweets333 said:

The facts that Marie kicked her out and said to back off should have been enough. I mean this sincerely—is Tonya delusional?