'AITA for being mad at my husband for saying he would pick his deceased wife over me?' UPDATED
"AITA for being mad at my husband for saying he would pick his deceased wife over me?"
My (34F) husband (37M) was married once before me. She was his high school sweetheart. They started dating their junior year, survived long distance during college, and got married when they were both 23 very shortly after graduating college.
She passed away unexpectedly at age 26 from an aneurism and it obviously devastated him, especially because they were extremely young. They never had children.
He contemplated remarrying because he was so heartbroken, but we ended up meeting about four years after that. We got married when I was 31 and he was 34 and have two children.
Last night, we were at a friend potluck gathering. Everything was going well until one of our friends brought up a new topic that had to do with relationships. She is newly divorced, so it was about her divorce.
Others were chiming in with past relationships from high school, college, etc. I had said I never thought I would get married because my luck with men has always been terrible until I met my husband and I said I felt very lucky to have met him.
After a little while longer, my husband brings up his deceased wife. Everyone knows he was married before me and that she passed. He was talking about her and then drops a bomb and goes “If she walked through that front door right now, I’d pick up where we left off."
If I am being honest, it felt like someone put my heart into a blender and punched me in the gut as hard as they could. Everyone in the room could sense the awkwardness that followed.
To avoid making a scene, I just laughed it off even though I think it was still obvious that it hurt me. I just felt that if you still felt that way, then why are we married? I’ve never asked him to get over his wife. I have never had a deceased spouse or even a deceased partner, so I am unsure how that feels. But I would never SAY that in front of my new spouse.
After the gathering, we left and I did not speak to him the entire car ride home or barely the entire night. I did tell him that what he said hurt my feelings deeply and that we could talk in the morning once I’ve calmed down because I didn’t want to say something mean to him.
I ended up sleeping on the couch because he would not leave me alone. It’s now the next morning and I barely slept. He is still sleeping. I’m not really sure what to say or what he will say.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Academic-Dare1354 said:
NTA - that’s a very hurtful thing to hear from your partner, hearing it while with a group on your friends would be understandably brutal. Very disrespectful to you.
cutiekiins said:
NTA. Girl, that would crush anyone. Like, why even say that out loud? You’re his wife now, and you deserve to feel like his #1. He can grieve, but that was so outta line. You’re not wrong for being hurt.
Hawkmonbestboi said:
NTA...he says that RIGHT AFTER you said you had bad luck with men and were lucky to have found him. What the ever loving frick frack? Does he just not care about your feelings? That's such an incredibly cruel and heartless thing to say, grief or no grief. I get that he lost his wife, but good lord.
DesperateLobster69 said:
NTA. Wow, that was stupid, careless & thoughtless thing to say!!!! Wtf he didn't even have kids with her!! YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HAVE KIDS & he made it clear he would walk out of all of your lives np if it meant another chance at love with his deceased wife...super f' up & completely unnecessary!!!!
No_Half_4154 said:
You're NTA, your husband is though. What he said wasn't just hurtful, but also disrespectful especially with the fact that others were around. You don't have to feel like your anger/hurt is unjustified just because you didn't go through what he went through. Just because someone went through something hard it doesn't mean that they have the right to hurt others around them.
Glenn_Coco69 said:
NTA, he's tryna be slick that's why your mad. In a round about way, he basically put you in your place. The fact that he says this right after you said you felt "lucky to have him" in front of everyone...Yeah, I'm sorry OP.
The next day OP came back with this update:
This may be a long one
I also tried to reply to as many comments as I could, but they were flooding in and I got a bit overwhelmed!
May still try to read and reply to them many brought me to joyous and grateful tears! <3
Also, alcohol was not involved in the sense that he wasn’t drunk. My husband is 6’3 and almost 250lbs. He had eaten quite a bit and had one beer. He was practically sober😅
Anyway… We talked. I asked him to let me go first and to not interrupt (he doesn’t usually interrupt anyway). This isn’t verbatim. Just a rough sketch of how things went (I also included points some of you made. Without mentioning I posted about this of course)
Me: “I just want to say that I do not hate you for what you said. I understand where you were coming from. She died and it was something neither of you saw coming. I could never ask you to get over her or to forget her because I know how much you loved her. She was your first love. I do understand that if she hadn’t passed, we likely would not be together and you two likely would be.
I have always understood this. But to say what you said hurt my feelings and embarrassed me. And even though her coming back from the dead is impossible, if it were, you would leave me and the children?
It was probably one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me. It is clear your feelings about her are still raw and it still hurts and I want you to get counseling and I want couples counseling very very soon”
He then apologized profusely. Teared up and said how he did not mean to hurt me and embarrass me in front of our friends. He basically said that he thought about it before he went to sleep and came to the realization that he should’ve kept it to himself. I mean I can’t be angry for what he thinks.
He loved her and she died. His feelings are also valid here! Also said that he would never leave me and the children and that what he said was just a poorly thought out and poorly worded statement. That he was not thinking clearly and when he said it, he immediately felt that maybe it came out wrong.
I asked him how he would feel if I said that to him. He says “Yeah. It’s bad. I know. I shouldn’t have said it. I wouldn’t be happy. I know you aren’t happy. I should’ve apologized in front of everyone as soon as I said it or not have said it at all”
I then asked him to think of the children and said “it’s like you saying. Hey, (children’s names) if my dead wife walked through the door, I’d pack my bags and never speak to you guys again” and then it REALLY got uncomfy.
After some silence (I had no idea what to say after that) he asked me if I wanted to divorce. So I asked him why he would think I would want a divorce just to see what he would say. He says he doesn’t know.
I didn’t answer his question and said we needed to look into counseling. That he needed to get counseling for himself and that we would go to couples counseling. And if the answer is no, I am not interested in moving forward.
This isn’t 100% about the comment anymore. I need to know if he is willing to make the necessary changes and put in the work to fix what he messed up. Because if he were to dismiss my feelings or not want counseling, it means he doesn’t think this was that serious and that he may not take me seriously (I also said this to him).
Some of the comments also told me to take the kids elsewhere. I agreed with this because it would be difficult to get through this while also parenting. I’ve got a very young daughter and a son that is a toddler. They are currently with my parents for the weekend and I’ll be getting them Sunday night, so this gives us time to really work.
He suggested he sleep on the couch instead of me. I have no where else to go. I haven’t told my parents because I really would like to keep this between me and him as much as possible. Family and friends jump to judge too fast and sometimes offer extreme and harmful advice and it’s also embarrassing!
Luckily we both have very good insurance that will help with counseling. I told him that it seems like whatever counseling he got after her death was not enough and that he was not consistent with it like he should have been. With trauma like that, I personally would’ve been in counseling for YEARS before I even considered remarrying.
He agreed. He was only in it for about a year and then stopped once he moved away from his hometown. Never got back into it.
He also agreed to the individual and couples counseling. Kept apologizing. Kept telling me he loved me all day. It was also so difficult to be around him because he kept looking at me! I couldn’t think! It was like he would try to say something and then he would just stare and not say anything.
With the kids gone, there’s nothing to really do except talk, so we talked again right before dinner time. He asked me if I wanted him to cook or buy something. I still was not hungry to be honest. So I just told him he could pick something up for himself and that I wasn’t hungry and that prompted the second discussion.
Realized he must feel very bad because he noticed I hadn’t really eaten much all day. Kept asking me to eat. I wasn’t sulking too bad or anything. Just doing my usual tasks, but not speaking or eating as much and because we’re home together all day, he noticed this.
Asked me one more time to please eat dinner with him, so I agreed. During dinner, he told me that he looked for counselors himself and wanted me to see if I thought they were okay enough and that he would keep looking.
Last stretch…
After all of that, I told him that we can’t really predict anything until we’ve met with therapists. I don’t want him to keep saying sorry. I want work and change. And then maybe we can move forward, but this is the first step.
I don’t want to just leave him. I am also not saying divorce is off of the table. I think he is still hurting from her death and his judgement is very very clouded. If he didn’t love me, I doubt he would’ve apologized so many times and looked for counselors on his own. A man that doesn’t love me probably would’ve made me look or rejected going all together.
Many people were suggesting this, I do not think he doesn’t love me. Thought of this myself. Cried about it. Thought of my children. Cried more. I’m not staying for the kids, I’m staying because I want to at least try to fix. If it cannot be fixed, then at least I tried!
We were also very close. Some people were asking how close we were prior to marriage I guess as a way to gauge the difference between their relationship and our relationship? Maybe to see if he settled? He was always very romantic, caring, and sweet to me. We’ve never yelled at each other.
When we first started dating, he would plan dates, surprise me, brag about me to his friends. So that’s why I am VERY confused on why he would blurt that. Unless it was just very poor brain and mouth coordination!
I also told him that I may get a counselor for myself. I don’t think I need one. Someone suggested this. But I think he needs it more than I do! And because insurance companies are getting shittier by the year, three counseling bills may be pushing it? Idk.
If I do get one, it’s because I don’t want to potentially resent him or doubt myself. Some people were making attempts to make me doubt myself. Some people in the comments were very nasty to me.
I appreciate that comments with many downvotes were hidden as they may be mean, but I couldn’t help but click. Some of you are very mean and very nasty individuals and I hope you find happiness one day.
There could be another update in the future. Not opposed to making one. Thank you all for your kind words and support!
I’ve also responded to everyone that texted me, which was everyone there at the potluck that has my number. Three people (there were nine people there not including us). They’ve all basically said the same thing. They can’t believe he said that, they feel bad for me, asking if everything is okay, what he said was not okay, etc.
He showed me some of the texts with him and his friends and some made me cry with how kind they were being towards me. Basically telling him he wasn’t necessarily wrong for thinking that, but wrong for saying it.
I told him I loved him as well. And I have never not loved him even for a second. And that I wasn’t angry with him and didn’t want him to I guess, suffer, for what he said. But I was just hurt and needed him to know that it did hurt me and him to respond how he saw fit and we’d go from there.
That is all for now. I could possibly answer more questions here? If you have any. I tried to answer some of the more frequently asked ones that I saw. Again, sorry for this being so lengthy!
Have a nice weekend everyone and thank you again!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Your family therapist may want to do an individual session with each of you at some point so that may help you decide if you want to pursue your own sessions for your own mental health. I think you're taking a measured path that will hopefully get you to a better place.
No-Context7758 OP:
I didn’t think of this. Hopefully that happens. Thank you!
I do think individual therapy for you is good. Not because you are wrong but because you need someone for yourself. Someone that can advocate for the inner you! People are hard. Situations are hard - but we all need that 3rd party detached voice that can frame the issues, give you tools and also give you support.
I had a close friend who lost her husband the first year they were married and she never truly got past it. The things is they (and likely your husband) lost their partner during the "honeymoon" stage....... they never really face real world struggles of financial stress, kids, or even any really big fights.....ie, they never experienced the stress of "real" long term marriage.
Any man my friend ever dated was competing with a perfect ghost........ there is no way to win that. It wasn't until she got real counseling that she was able to move on enough to realize that her memories were not realistic things to measure future partners by.
All things being equal, it certainly sounds like you are both on the right path......and I think you will be stronger for this.......... Best of Luck