'I was berated by my GF because I wasn’t ready to get married after 3 weeks of dating.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I [36M] was berated by my GF [38F] because I wasn’t ready to get married after 3 weeks of dating."
I met a pretty rave girl at a Darren Styles show and fell head over heels with her. Two weeks later, after texting, we had our first date on 1/3/25, and the vibes and connection were solidified.
From that day on, we were together every hour (outside work) for almost three weeks. We lived 20 minutes apart, so we took turns staying over at each other’s places, and I would drive her to work (she didn’t have a car) each morning so she didn’t have to take the trolley.
I’ve been single for the past two years, and my last relationships lasted five and eight years, respectively. I was cheated on both times, so it’s tough for me to trust someone again and be vulnerable.
However, with her, I believed she was my ride-or-die because of our deep conversations about our values and goals in life. We even came up with cute nicknames for each other. I was so happy when we agreed to make our relationship official together.
We both shared our darkest secrets and trauma with each other. I told her things that no one else knew. I am/was fully committed; I want/wanted her more than anything. My love language is gift giving and acts of service, so I would cook for us, grocery shop, pay for food/dinner/drinks, Uber us to events, and even installed a bidet at her apartment.
She met my friends and said they were amazing compared to her past friend groups. She was shocked to see how our friends would spend time together without having to get messed up on drugs be the primary reason to hang out together.
One night, we were drinking and watching TV, and the conversation shifted to our commitment and how dedicated I was to her. So she said, “We should get married now.” It wasn’t jokingly or cutesy. It was dead serious.
I was taken aback because I care about this person, but we only just met, and it’s too early even to consider that. I did my best to say, “No, I’m not ready yet,” and I’m not going to say “Yes” to something that I don’t feel comfortable saying.
So, because I was trying to avoid the situation, it was perceived as “I don’t want to.” But she repeatedly said, “We should get married; why won’t you marry me?” This was when I was berated and called condescending names because I didn't say what she wanted to hear.
We woke up the following day, and after reminiscing about how much fun we had last night, I told her she called me some pretty hurtful things. She laughed and said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
I have thick skin, so I brushed it off and gave her the benefit of the doubt. But a week later, it happened again, the same situation; we were drinking and having a great night, but she started saying, “We should get married” again, and I reacted the same way; I told her, “No, I’m not ready yet”…
She feel asleep, and I silently left in the early morning. Once I got home, I texted her, saying, “I can’t be with someone that berates me. I know my worth and won’t let myself be abused again.” her reply was, “Oh no, I’m so sorry. I understand where you’re coming from. I know I can get very ugly sometimes, and it’s my flaw. But I know I didn’t mean anything towards you.”
We had plans that morning to meet my friends and have a picnic at the park, but instead, I spent hours crying in bed. Eventually, I got up and met my friends at the park, where I told them everything. Six hours after her last text, she texted me a sad, frowny face emoji. I told her I’d call her later.
That night, we had an hour and twenty-minute long phone call. During it, I probably talked for a combined 15 minutes. The main takeaway from the conversation was that she was sorry, BUT it was my fault since I bought the cider, and I should have known better because she’s 5’6”, 110lb, and I’m 6’2”, 175lb, and that it was too high of alcohol content.
I was also emasculated because of my actions since I was vocal about my feelings and emotions. I tried to express the need for boundaries (since we are both in therapy), and she replied that “boundaries are for animals and cattle.”
The conversation went from bad to worse. I couldn’t believe my ears. There was no accountability for her actions or any remorse. The thing she said that I can’t get out of my head is how she used my past trauma.
The things I told her in confidence, to justify how my actions are irrational and that because I was hurt in the past, I shouldn’t be so weak, and it’s not like she was physically abusing me like my ex’s.
It's been five days, and I haven't received a text or call from her. I’ve been a complete wreck. I can’t eat, sleep, or do anything without thinking about her. I would have given her the world.
We talked about traveling together and going to festivals. I told her about all the cute dates I had planned. I would have done anything for her because she is precisely who I invasion myself being with, but it feels like I’m just another doormat to her.
I’ve been struggling to process everything that’s happened. I cared deeply about her and really believed in what we were building. Did I overreact by something she said while she was drunk? Should I text her or just walk away?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
It’s been 3 weeks and already this much drama? My dude, cut your losses.
Right? Only 3 weeks and she’s definitely aggressive. Seems a little too much so early.
A 38 yo woman in a 3 weeks new relationship proved to be impulsive, head strong, "ugly" as she herself said, disrespectful, abusive and manipulative and overall made you feel like s**t.
Why do you double guess breaking up with her? How many more red flags do you need? And imagine how she would be in a few months/years of she is this way after 3 weeks. Run my good sir, run for the hills. Save yourself. Cut her out of your life.
A little over two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I should have listened to everyone, but I didn’t. I hand-wrote her a letter telling her how much I cared about us and wanted to give us another chance. She texted me later that day, saying she felt the same way and was sorry for everything.
We meet up for dinner. I brought her flowers, and we talked for a long time about what happened. She was apologetic, took accountability, and reassured me it wouldn’t happen again. I stayed the night, and we made up for lost time.
The next day, I took her to work in the morning. We made plans to have dinner later that night, so I went to the store and picked up steak, potatoes, and an expensive bottle of bourbon.
I picked her up from work, and we returned to my house, where I cooked everything. We put on a movie, finish the bottle, and stay up late into the morning. It was such a nice night.
The next night, we had tickets to see Gammer; I was so excited. We dress up and go to the club. I picked up some beer so we could pre-game. We get to the club around 1130PM, and she buys some shots.
We’re dancing, goofing around, having fun. She buys a few more shots. We end up leaving around 145AM. She then wants to go to a bar, but everything is about to close. I follow her across the street to a bar, where she orders two more shots.
They tell us it’s last-call and we’ll need to be quick. I could tell something was off, so I told her I would wait for her outside. Three minutes later, I see the front door swing open, and security pushes her out of the bar.
She is yelling, causing a scene, and then gets in someone’s face. At that point, I rush over and try to de-escalate the situation. We flag down a cop and explain what happened and who assaulted her.
The cop took down the information, but then another call came in, and he left in a hurry. We took an Uber back to her place, and her friends came over. We told them what had happened.
I was in shock; I couldn’t believe it. None of that had to happen; we didn’t have to go to the bar, we didn’t have to take more shots, she didn’t have to mouth off to security when they were asking everyone to leave, she didn’t have to get in some random guy's face.
This was the first time I think I really saw her true self, a self that is so angry and mean. I should have ended things there, but I didn’t. On Monday night, we meet up with my two friends at a local brewery to play some pool. We have a few drinks and play a few games.
Then we go to a pizza spot for some slices and beer. We were all talking and making jokes, but she would laugh so loud it was deafening. I could see everyone looking at us like we were the loud, obnoxious table. I felt so uncomfortable.
We then leave and head back to my house. She tries to offer my friends a vape, but they politely decline; she keeps asking and putting it up to their mouths, asking them to take a hit. At that point, I said, “Hey, can you please not do that? They already said ‘No.’” She then got super quiet. My friends felt the vibe in the room change, so they left.
I didn’t know at the time, but this triggered her. That I said she should stop pressuring my friends to smoke. We watch a movie and try to enjoy the rest of the night. However, during the movie, she would go from laughing to crying, yelling at me, and kissing me.
I couldn’t understand what was going on and why she was acting like this. We didn’t even drink this much; she wasn’t blacked out. I think whatever medication she’s on shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol because she was so manic, and then everything started to make sense.
The following day, it seemed like everything was okay, but little did I know it wasn’t. I was working from home, and she was keeping me company on the couch when, out of nowhere, she got up and said, “I want to go home; I can’t be here.” I ask what’s wrong, and she says, “I triggered her when I stepped up to her and said she should stop offering my friends to smoke.”
She said she felt embarrassed. She then told me that I was only in this relationship because of the intimacy and that I didn’t care about her. I told her this was wrong and told her everything I do for her (cook, clean, drive, pay, give, provide), and that seemed to make her realize how much I care about her.
That night, I had dinner plans with my parents, so I dropped her off at her place and went to eat. Afterward, I texted her, asking if she wanted to hang out. It was late, but I just wanted to see her, so I drove over, and we watched a little TV, where we both dozed off on the couch.
It is now Wednesday, and we did have plans to get wings and wine after work, but my buddies ended up canceling, so when I texted her about it, she was upset. I didn’t let her know sooner; otherwise, she would have made plans with her friends.
I apologized and told her I had just found out myself. I told her as soon as I knew. She said, “Something is off; I’m not dumb. I know how you can be when something is not going your way.” I don’t like it when people assume things, so I told her I would stay home and have a chill night in. She texted, “Good Night, I love you,” at 11PM. I replied the same.
I text her in the morning, thinking about her and wishing her a nice day. I didn’t text her throughout the day because I was legitimately busy, so she called me at 7PM. We talked for a bit, and she wondered why I didn’t text her all day.
I explained everything that was going on. We get off the phone and keep texting. She asked me when my next trip was, and I told her it was actually on Monday. I fly out to Seattle for two days.
She knows I travel; on our first date, I told her how, in 2024, I went to 6 countries and more than 11 festivals. She then says that she doesn’t do long distant relationships and that her ex would travel for work all the time so she left him because he was never around.
I tell her how committed I am and that I’m not like her ex. She said she was looking for something different and thought she could handle my traveling, but it turns out she couldn’t. I told her it sounded like I was not the right person for her.
She said she thinks so, too, and that she knows what she wants and deserves. I told her she deserved the world and was sorry I couldn’t give it to her. She then calls me out for stonewalling and being non-communicative and avoidant.
Then, she proceeds to say she sees me as toxic and wants to end this before it gets worse. I told her I respected her decision and that all I wanted to do was make her happy.
She calls me a wonderful person but can’t justify staying with me because she wants to settle down with someone. I replied with, “I understand.” And that was the last thing I texted. I figured it was over; she broke up with me, and nothing else was left to say or do.
I was so wrong because things went from bad to a full-on nightmare. She texted me yesterday at Noon saying how she thinks it’s so rude of me to be dismissive that I didn’t try to reconcile and that I gave up so easily. If I had cared about her, I would have tried to communicate better.
I don’t say anything back. She then starts blowing up my phone; I have at least 18 missed calls. She’s texting me the most hurtful things. Accused me of cheating. She called me toxic. Threatening me and saying she’ll get me for messing with her emotions. Brought up my past trauma.
She called me an emotional abuser. Emasculated me again, said I should get a sex change since I’m such a woman, and sent me a link to a clinic that does operations. Then she sends me screenshots of guys that she’s talking to and how they want to take her out for Valentine's Day. Then makes fun of my body and said I didn’t satisfy her. That’s when I blocked her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I have to assume the intimacy was amazing. Otherwise wtf is wrong with your prefrontal cortex?
She is an alcoholic. What a catch. You should of course thank goodness she got you out of that disaster of a relationship.
You need to quit drinking too. A bottle of bourbon is not meant to be finished in a night.
As soon as I read where you bought a bottle of bourbon and y’all finished it in one night, I quit reading. But glancing through that way TL:DR crap, it’s clear alcohol is the common denominator. Dump her ass. Check your drinking. And don’t look back.
Dude, you’re the lucky one. You need to escape from that. And don’t let her play the surprise baby attack protect yourself.