"AITA for feeling betrayed by my (24M) husband?"

Okay so here is the story. A few weeks ago my husband (24M) and I (23F) were driving home. My husband was being super short with me all day long and I just didn’t know why so I kept asking him. He just shrugged it off and said nothing. I just nodded my head and continued driving. About 20 minutes later; I was listening to my podcast and I heard him whisper something.

I paused it and asked what he said. He then tells me; “is there anything I need to know?” I looked confused because I didn’t know what he was talking about so I asked “what do you mean?” Keep in mind I have nothing to hid and we have an open phone policy. I’ve been 100% loyal since day 1. He then proceeds to tell me; “I know you’re keeping stuff from me, like Jim” (not saying real name).

Jim was from a previous hook up that I met on a spicy page. I told him about it previously and he knows my past I just didn’t tell him names. I asked how he new his name and why he is curious since we haven’t brought this up since we’ve been together (3 years). He told me he ran a report on me and knows everything from years before we met. (He has a gov't job and can easily run reports on anyone).

I decided to pull the car over and asked him why did you run a report on me? He didn’t say anything just stared. I have nothing to hide but there are things in my past I don’t want to tell anyone. Even my husband. I put it so far in my past only my therapist knows. I felt betrayed and angry that he did this.

He knew the truth about it (not all he bad stuff and not every detail but what I used to do and why) but he purposely dug into it deeper knowing I didn’t want to tell anyone and want to keep it in my past. It was the worst thing in the world that I have ever experienced.

I’m not going to get into details or anything. I didn’t want to talk about it at the moment. Maybe later in the years but I’m still working on it. That’s why I go to therapy.

I told him to get out of the car and leave me be for a minute. I immediately called me therapist and told them the situation and how I felt. Not going to get into that. Anyways after the call I told him to get back in the car. He started apologizing but I just drove in silence for the last half hour home. It’s been a few weeks and I’m still so hurt and don’t know if I can just let it go.

I feel betrayed that the only person in the whole world that I trust and love went and ran a report on me and saw my whole life basically in a book. All texts, calls, emails, my private conversations to my mom and best friend. The guys that I met before I even knew my husband. Old ex boyfriend from high school. Everything I watched on my phone and what apps I’ve used before. Every single thing in my whole entire life.

How do I trust my own husband again? Am I overreacting? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? Is she overreacting? This is what top commenters had to say:

ArmChairDetective84 said:

You need to turn him in for improper use of government databases because what he did is HIGHLY invasive and illegal . It’s an abuse of power and if he’s slimy enough to do that - he’s the one hiding things

hanceBanana6358 said:

OP, ask him to run a report on himself for you to go through. If he doesn't want to, ask him why it's okay for him to do to you, but not the same for him? What's he hiding? If it's good one, it needs to be good for both. Level the playing field.

OP responded:

Definitely doing this. I’ll keep y’all updated when he gets back home after I talk to him.

MinPinMomx4 said:

NTA - Something similar happened to me. About 6 months into dating, my (Now) Ex-bf also works for the government, downloaded software on my computer to retrieve anything and everything that had ever been done on my iPhone. Everything.

Long story short, he apologized, and I foolishly took him back. But for 5 years there were very slick, underhanded remarks that would never quite be in context that were like little reminders of that betrayal. He never deleted what he downloaded and he had access to all my personal conversations, pictures, notes, etc.

Older and wiser now, I’m disgusted. I wish I had ended the relationship right after that but justified it to myself saying I had nothing to hide so it was no big deal. Abhorrent behavior.

OP then added in the comments:

For those wondering.. I DID call his supervisor and report him.

She then shared this update to her post:

For everyone thinking this post is fake it’s 100% real. He’s my husband. He has access to my DOB, SSN, and full name. I don’t know how he got the report but he showed it to me and it had everything I said before. You’d be surprised and amazed at what certain types of stuff the government can do and see. How did he know names and addresses? How did he know what happened?

How did he pull the reports. Either way I feel betrayed but I’m going to ask him to do a report on himself to see what he does and says. We’ve been together for 3 years and just recently got married. Other than this our relationship has been amazing. Truly. I just don’t understand why he betrayed my trust and brought it up after we got married.

Then, she shared this update on the situation:

So everyone I want to say thank you for the people who understand what I’m going through and the ones who actually offered some advice. Here is the update for y’all. My husband got home. Keep in mind I’ve barely said anything to him these past few weeks since this all went down. I asked him; after he put his things down, why he ran a report on me and still no answer. He just ignored me.

So I told him to run a report on himself or have someone do it on him. He asked why. Blank expression on his face. I told him that I want him to feel how much it hurts for your privacy to be fucked with and to be pulled through the pain of your past all over again. Your deep secrets and private conversations all out in the open. I want you to feel how I feel. He said “ I apologized before but I’m not going to do that.”

WHAT THE HELL. You can do it to me but you won’t do this to yourself or better ask your “boss” to do it to you??

So I told him I want the real reason why he did this or I’m leaving. He had NO EXPRESSION. Nothing. He just stood there, not saying a fucking word. So I packed a bag and I left. I left my ring and told him I’ll be back for everything else later. Now I’m heading to my hometown with our dogs.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next sorry to disappoint. I 100% think he’s going to see this so you know you fucked up and I will not forgive you for this. Screw you for hurting me and putting me through my trauma experience all over again.