'AITA for telling my boyfriend I got the 'ick' after he opened up to me for the first time?'

"AITA for telling my boyfriend I got the 'ick' after he opened up to me for the first time?"

I (21f) have been with my boyfriend (John-22m) for just under a year. We're not doing Christmas together this year due to family commitments but we've been texting and facetiming a TON.

John is staying with his dad and has become a total energy vampire this past week and a half. He told me before he left that he was a little stressed but didn't elaborate but now, he won't stop talking about it. The worst past is... he's 'depressed' over a 'situationship' he had.

He told me that this time a few years ago, he was with a girl who broke up with him after a few months because of her own issues. They agreed to stay friends but she stopped responding and they went NC. She told him that she'd message him when she was ready but it's been over a year.

He said that coming home reminds me of 'her' and would text me random things like 'this shampoo smells reminds me of this time' or 'my dad ordered the same takeout i was eating when she broke up with me', etc.

He also keeps asking me if he should message her. This is how our conversations would go: Him: should I message her? I want to wish her happy Christmas

Me: no. if she wanted to talk, she'd message you like she said; Him: but I miss having a friend. I just want to talk to her

Me: dude breaking her boundary isn't going to make her want to talk;Him: but I wanna talk to her :(

Him: I miss her; Him: she was fun to hang out with

Now imagine this conversation happening every day for a week. Going back and forth.

A few days ago, he apologised for talking about this stuff to me and said this is the first time he's actually opened up about it. The issue is... it gave me a huge ick.

I understand that breaking up with someone can be sad and being back in the place where it happened sucks but I don't want to know about how he's sitting on the sofa where they cuddled. Or how he walked past the café where they kissed for the first time. It's not a jealously thing, it's a respect thing.

Last night I text him and said I wanted to break up. I said I felt weird that 2 weeks away from our 1 year anniversary, he's reminiscing about his ex and TEXTING ME about how much he misses her.

I said that our repeating conversations about him wanting to break NC and her texting boundary is frustrating and that he's done nothing but complain or whine to me about how much he misses his ex. He just responded 'ok'

Then, I get a text in our group chat about a friend-Christmas event and someone asks me if John and I are coming together. John messages 'X and aren't on good terms rn. I'm still attending the party idk about X'.

This caused multiple people to private message me about it and I was honest. I showed a ss of my text that I sent but it caused multiple people to not be on my side. Multiple people said I was 'cruel' for making someone feel so bad for being 'emotionally open' and I was the immature one. It's split the friend group. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

misag7 writes:

NTA. Wow. I would say ditch the friends that are on his side. I'm certain that if they partners "opened up" like your ex did, they wouldn't be that comfortable and understanding.

What your ex did to you, his girlfriend, is cruel and you took the right decision. He wasn't just your friend, he was your partner for almost a year. If he didn't get over her, it's fine, but he should have left you alone and take his time to heal.

ploa72 writes:

NTA and the people who think you are are ridiculous.

Sounds like he has lots of friends, he could’ve whined to. He should have talked to them about his ex, NOT you. Telling your current gf how much you miss and think about your ex gf And waxing poetic about all the places that were important to you is emotionally cruel and immature.

That is NEVER something you need to say unless it’s like “hey new wife, I’m really struggling because this was an emotionally significant time for me and my wife who past away.” That kind of grief is different than “I dated a girl for a short time and I’m still actually obsessed with her, should I text her?”

He obviously liked her more than you to even do that and think he should text her. And his obvious disregard for her boundaries is a red flag too. He sounds obsessive, emotionally immature and frankly pretty dumb.

Don’t feel bad about breaking up. He wasn’t being emotionally open, he was being emotionally immature and using you in as a sounding board over another relationship ok that he still wants more than you. Thank your lucky stars you found this out about him now.

proudself writes:

NTA, he’s clearly not emotionally intelligent cos if he were, he would see how him opening up to you about it was disrespectful. Being vulnerable isn’t the problem, like you said “it’s a respect thing” he could’ve vented to his friends OR siblings…

it’s never a good idea to express longing for your ex partner towards your new partner and the people making you feel bad for calling it out are just as trash cos it proves they would either do the same to a significant other or they would tolerate such from a significant other

plao09 writes:

Bad form to talk about your ex with your current. YTA here not for "getting the ick" but for allowing this conversation to go on. "You can't talk to me about that" or "I don't want to talk about your exes" or "Would you like to discuss my exes too?" are all quick easy ways to shut this down. If he still misses her, then he's not satisfied with you.

You can do better for yourself. As for your friends, they can go support him in his emotional vulnerability. That's what friends are for. You don't unload on your current partner about how much you miss your ex. You just don't do it. Move on.