'AITA for telling my partner not to tell his family the whole story?'
"AITA for telling my (F25) partner (M31) not to tell his family the whole story?"
I ask this because sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy or being toxic. I (F25) lost my job last month through a disciplinary process, in which I was accused of something I didn’t do and decided to quit rather than ride it out as I’d been unhappy there for a little while.
This situation was challenging, and I struggled with the transition. I am still ashamed and embarrassed by it all, even though it turned out for the better (I landed a better job with insane benefits after a day and a half of resigning).
I told my partner (M31) that I didn’t want his family to know the circumstances of me leaving my last role - he could tell them I quit under challenging circumstances and that I had to find a new job very quickly, but not all the ins and outs (e.g., she was accused of this, gross misconduct, this is why, etc.)
This morning, it turns out he’s told his mum and brothers everything, despite me asking him not to, and then when I said that wasn’t okay (calmly). He went off at me and accused me of controlling how he spoke to his family, arguing that he thought it'd be okay since it’s been a while.
He said since it’s impacted his life too (in that he was staying with me while it happened, and that’s it, no financial, committal, or personal implications on him), it was his experience too, and he’s allowed to decide how he speaks about it.
AITA for feeling upset by this, and am I asking too much?
OP added some edits.
Edit to add context: We’re not married, we’ve only been together for a year, and I’ve only met his family a handful of times, so it hurts that they don’t know me very well and now have a negative impression of me.
RE gross misconduct, I was accused of working for a competitor but have evidence that it wasn’t the case. I chose to resign before the investigation started rather than use that evidence.
I also was on suspension for a total of two days before leaving, and that is what I found embarrassing, along with changing jobs so close to Christmas when I’d discussed an upcoming promotion at my previous role with my friends/family (and mentioned it to my boyfriend’s family), so they’d know leaving was a flash decision.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Aggressive_Cup8452 says:
His mother and brothers are his family. He looks at you as JUST his girlfriend. You had a boundary, but you are JUST a girlfriend, so he feels he can ignore it because you are NOT family.
And he made YOU being let go as HIM going through something. That's like a man saying: this month's menstrual cycle was hard on US. It's just soo many red flags of disrespect still to come. NTA (Not the A**hole). But.. reconsider this guy.
PsychologyAutomatic3 says:
NTA. Your request was not difficult. Now that you know his stance on sharing your personal info against your wishes, you have two options —don’t tell him anything you don’t want him to share, or end the relationship. He sees nothing wrong with what he did, betrayed your confidence, and will do it again. He’s very immature for his age.
diminishingpatience says:
NTA. His lack of respect for you is a concern.
Petuniachihuahua says:
NTA It was not his story to share. He's a disloyal gossip.
OP added these replies to common questions:
• Only a select few members of my family know that I have a new job and why, everyone else I am waiting to tell until I figure out how I want to, his family was included in that as I’m still very much processing this change
• He did initially agree to not tell them anything I didn’t want him to. He hadn’t even told them I had left my old job at all, although he was welcome to. This all happened two weeks ago, this morning he called them and told them EVERYTHING out of the blue.
• He said his mum was understanding but was a bit disappointed. I didn’t let him expand on that as it’s fresh and it doesn’t matter to me what they say they think about the situation - I’ll still always worry they think less of me because I couldn’t frame the situation how I wanted to.
• The possible promotion is because the head of department is heading on maternity leave in Jan, and I would’ve stepped up to her position.
I wasn’t bragging about this when discussing with others - in fact, I was expressing some regret about having to remain at the company as I wanted to leave but felt unable to do so as I didn’t want to add unnecessary stress onto a pregnant friend. That is not applicable anymore given the situation 😅