'AITA for not taking in my BIL who peed on my stuff and blamed my cat?' UPDATED

"AITA for not taking in my BIL who peed on my stuff and blamed my cat?"

My (29F) husband Ted (34M) and I have been together for 10 years. We met early in college and dated all throughout.

I graduated before him and took a semester for travelling while he finished so we could move to another state, he ended up having to repeat some classes so when i came back we couldn’t move yet and i had no place of my own, so i moved in with him and his roommate/brother Ash (32M) while Ted finished school.

Before moving in i made sure that Ted cleared it with Ash that I was bringing my male cat with me. They had a dog who was old but Ash said he was fine with it.

About 3 weeks after moving in i started noticing that our bedroom started to smell a lot like pee and we couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. My cat is toilet trained so i knew it wasn’t him, and the dog couldn’t go into our room because it was on the 2nd floor and he had hip problems. I started finding clothes on the floor smelling like pee.

I asked Ted and he said he had no idea. After 3 months of frustration and this happening about 2x week I asked Ash if he was bringing the dog upstairs, he said no. At this point i’m fed up, i stopped leaving clothes anywhere but i was still finding pee in my shoes, my throw pillows, things like that.

After breaking down one day Ash suggested it was my cat marking his territory as male cats are known for doing that, he said it made sense as it was only on my things and it was a new place. If any of ya’ll have cats you know that cat pee smells different than human pee.

I trust my cat with my whole heart, so i set up a camera in our room, i was paying rent, boyfriend knew about it so i figured this was the way to find out where the pee was coming from. Lo and behold, Ash was coming into our room AND PEEING ON MY STUFF.

When i saw the video i packed my things and cat, and went to stay with a friend until Ted finished college and we moved. When all of this happened I refused to confront him because EW and Ted dealt with that.

I haven’t really spoken to Ash since, he was a best man at the wedding but we tend to keep clear of each other at family gatherings and such. With the pandemic Ash lost his job and apartment and ever since, he's been struggling financially.

He asked if he could move in with us and I honestly don’t want to because HE PEED ON MY STUFF. He was 25 years old when it happened, he was a grown ass man. Now their whole family is calling and texting telling me i’m an a$$ for leaving him homeless but it wasn’t their stuff getting peed on.

AITA? Am i holding a grudge because HE PEED ON MY STUFF, but he is losing his home, and his cat deserves a home but it was made very clear that i cannot just take in his cat and leave him to the elements. I know i'm justified but now Ted said that he couldn't do that to his brother and the job market is better here for his type of job.

EDIT:

A few questions that have popped up a couple of times:

•Is he in therapy? He was last I checked, after peegate his mom made him go. That’s how we found out:

•why did he do this? Ash and Ted were and are best friends and me coming into Ted’s life was threatening enough that he wanted to break us up. Clearly it didn’t work and it only made Ted go NC for a time. His therapist suggested that Ash had to make amends with his brother (according to my MIL who is the one who reconnected them) and ask for forgiveness for his actions.

They reconnected and as long as i didn’t have to be with him and he never stepped into our home I could live with it.

•why was he in the wedding? when we were getting married the party was more for our parents, we didnt mind the courthouse but my parents wanted a big wedding because I’m the first of my sisters to get married.

All of my sisters and all of Teds brothers were bridesmaids and groomsmen and we couldn’t exclude him, Ted and Ash are best friends after all and as long as I didn’t have to take pictures with peeman himself and he didn’t give a speech I didn’t care.

•why can’t any in his family take him? We live in the east cost. The rest of the family lives in the west coast. After many comments I’m starting to doubt this next part but I’ll say it still because it’s the information I have:

Ted’s profession is much more employable in the east coast than in the west, so him moving across would diminish his chances of finding a new job in his field. I am in the process of convincing all of the brothers (there’s 8 more) to pitch in a bit so between us all he can stay there.

•Why do they think I’m an ass? His whole family is very very forgive and forget, they have forgiven things that are appalling to me (car stealing, faking a college degree and keeping the money, etc). So they really think that this was just a one time thing and he’s outgrown it and I just need to get over it.

•Did he apologize? He apologized to Ted but never to me which I am a bit bitter about. I was considering accepting an apology but you guys are right and that would be self serving of him and a way to get back into my house and potentially give me peetsd (I’m sorry I promise I’m not making fun I just saw a chance and had to take it)

•Did he pay for the stuff he peed on? Well, since I didn’t know where pee was coming from I just kept washing the pee things. After the video I did throw out everything that I remember had been peed on that did not hold sentimental value but there’s 2 pairs of shoes currently in my home who have been golden showered.

He did not pay for the stuff I threw out, and honestly it never occurred to me to ask him to I just cut my losses.

•what is your husbands stand on this? Ted is the best human in the universe and he honestly puts up with enough of my shennaningans that I would legit let peeman move in if it made Ted happy. As soon as everything happened he was disturbed and cut him off completely but after his mom said the therapist thought it would help him to make amends they made up.

Ted has never once pressed me to be with Ash or for him to come to our house. When we got married he told me it was absolutely okay if I said no to Ash being the best man but I love him enough to deal with him when it’s necessary such as Christmas and big family events.

•Can I see the video? I’m sorry to disappoint you but no. As pissed (hehe) as I might be at the man I do believe in privacy. When it happened I only sent it to Ted so he would believe me (because I honestly wouldn’t believe me if he told me one of my sisters was peeing in his stuff).

As far as I know he has only shown it to his parents to provide proof that we weren’t making things up, and 2 of the older brothers because idk they’re guys and curious. I want to thank you for my awards!!! They’re lovely and shiny and make me feel like I just won the olympics. You guys are the best.

I also want to say thank you for the amazing jokes and nicknames, if I lose this battle and he moves here I will be leaving him a litter box and puppy training pads in the guest room, just to rub his nose in it (hehe) You guys are the best and I promise to keep answering comments and messages as soon as I can!!

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

mountaingoat05 said:

NTA. EW. All those family members complaining can have peepeepants Ashhole live with them instead.

happygal222 said:

Tell Ash to piss off

Accomplished_Trip_ said:

NTA. Any of the relatives harassing you are free to take him in. He exhibited extremely disturbing behavior and it's understandable you don't want to live with him.

OP responded:

Everybody's answers about htem taking him in is that the whole family lives on the west coast while Ted, Ash and I live in the east coast where we're all a bit more employable. So him moving west would decrease his job opportunities but i certainly dont want to leave with pee man again

sassybsassy said:

NTA. A grown man was pissing in your clothes, in your shoes and in pillows. No he isn't welcome to live with you. You're husband needs to stand by your side. This is unforgivable by any means.

OP responded:

My man has been nothing but supportive of my feelings about his brother the whole time, but his soft heart makes him think of his baby brother being homeless in the cold and i can only think of him with a sign that says will pee on your stuff for money.

4614065 said:

NTA. I’m not sure what the psychology behind peeing on someone’s belongings is but it’s weird. Does his family (parents etc.) know he did this and that you caught it on film?

OP responded:

They do know, after everything happened Ted told his parents and they made Ash go to therapy and apparently it was him feeling like he was losing his best friend (Ted) to me. I know at the begining they didn't believe it but i forwarded the video to Ted and i guess eh showed it to his parents and they know.

gapngcnt420 said:

Omg i would have called the police. That has to be against the law. Nta. And I can’t believe his brother even speaks to him honestly.

OP responded:

I threw up a little when i found out. It's so gross. They've always been besties and I did find early in the relationship that "no girl" would come between them, pee man or not they're best buds.

[deleted] said:

I believe in gossip. Not the kind that is needlessly hurtful, I'm talking about the social warning network that all humans belong to, aka the grapevine. It's a system for harm reduction. If someone is known for antisocial behavior, a good friend would warn his/her friends, not leave them to find out the hard way.

Tell everyone that he peed on your stuff. Show them the video. Ten years of bad luck if you don't. NTA, unless you choose not to defend yourself. WTF? Is he blackmailing you for the time you did it to him?

She later shared this mini-update:

So pee has hit the fan in the family and my day has been awful. Some of the other brothers saw this post and all of your comments and the family didn't have the whole story and apparently neither did I. Brothers #3, #4 and #8 are on their way here to deal with it because I'm way over my head.

I'd like to give a big F you the the messages telling me that i probably had it coming, that i wanted it, or that i deserved it. I hope the peeman visits you and pees on your toothbrush.

Thank you for your concern and nice comments, thank you for the reality checks, thank you for opening my eyes to my many faults. Things suck right now but hopefully i'll be able to give you guys closure or at least more answers in a couple of days. Stay hydrated

She later shared this extremely thorough update:

TL;DR peeman is not moving in.

Each section that is divided was written at different times throughout the last few days. I didn’t want to overwhelm you and make you wait with 6000 edits so here is the whole story.

—- So I showed Ted the post as you guys suggested and after reading some comments Ted understood that he had done wrong by me and that even though I was okay with it it was still inappropriate of him and the whole family to be how they are.

He apologized profusely for not demanding more from himself, his family and his brother when the whole thing happened and that Ash moving in with us was absolutely not going to happen. Being an engineer too he asked some professional contacts if there were any job opportunities for Ash.

One of those contacts ended up being someone who works for the same company Ash did and told Ted that Ash hadn’t been fired, that he had quit but that he was welcome to have his job back.

Ted went to confront Ash about this (we live a couple hours away) while i was at work (I work 2 jobs, one at night 4-12pm and one part time during the day( because i want to and it brings me joy not because my husband is lacking in any way) and found some stuff that started a chain of events and truth unveilings that tbh just make me sad more than anything else.

Yeah yeah i know i’m being spineless again and should be outraged but i’m just tired right now and want to just sleep but i’ve gotten enough nice and hateful messages that i figured i owed you guys closure.

—- I’m probably going to get crap for sharing all of this but right now I don’t care, this is a resumed (yet still very long) version of everything that happened since my OP:

B stands for brother (of ted’s), if I say wife #X please refer to the number of brother, not that any of them have multiple wives.

B#1 doctor with some type of military background. Wife, 3 kids. B#2 surgeon, wife, 2 dogs and a bearded dragon B#3 engineer, fiancé and dog B#4 teacher and researcher, wife, 1 kid B#5 ??? Works in IT not sure of details, wife B#6 doctor, single and ready to mingle B#7 “chef”/ businessman,wife, 1 kid B#8 car sales, wife, 3 kids, fish B#9 Ted (wife and cat) B#10 Ash

I sat down with Ted to talk about everything you pointed out, he apologized immensely, we cried together, promised to do and be better. As you are now all aware his family is complicated and not rocking the boat was embedded into his heart. We both agreed to go to individual therapy, and if both therapists suggest we do couples then we do couples therapy too.

He ordered a tshirt that says ‘The most okayest human in the universe’ to cheer me up a bit. Anyway Ted calls his connections and finds out Ash didn’t quit, is pissed about all the drama this is causing and goes to confront him. He goes into his place, Ash is not there (Ted has a key for emergencies) he goes in anyway and waits.

He eventually has to go to the (guest) bathroom and it’s locked, so he goes into his room to use that bathroom and found a “situation” was the word he used when he told me.

He called me, tells me to stay home and that he would be home later because he had to involve his family and didn’t want to subject me to more than he already had which had me thinking the worst but at that point I was scared and just told him to come back soon and be safe.

About 2 hours later wife#8 calls me crying to ask if I’m okay i say idk Ted just told me vaguely about the situation and I haven’t heard since, she asks if I want to know which I did and then she starts off by apologizing saying that they didn’t know the whole story that B#5 had read my post and called B#7 to complain about me sharing the story online

(apparently having your BIL pee in your stuff isn’t common enough that he knew it was our family by reading it /s), B#7 reads the story an says there’s a few things about my version of events that sound off to him, he contacts B#2 who contacts their mom and by this point they’ve all read it. I did have missed calls from B#6 and B#2 that I didn’t answer because I was working.

Anyway as many of you guessed the therapist part of Ash’s story was sketchy, turns out that the “therapist” he had been going was a friend of his with 0 actual training and just pretended to be his therapist so his mom would get off his back about it. He faked going to therapy (which his mom paid for) for about 3 years.

My MIL found out and kept it secret, which she excused by saying she had forgiven other brothers for worse. All of this came to light because B#2 confronted her about Ash not apologizing to me because they were under the false impression that he had apologized and I had forgiven him (since I have a track record of being a doormat and the fact he was best man).

This is why they were pushing him to live with us. They also didn’t know “the territorial incident” had been going on for months, they knew it was a few instances but not as many as they actually were.

Back to wife#8 she tells me B#3, #4 and #8 were coming because Ted had asked for help which freaked me out and she tells me to talk to wife#1 because she could use some support.

I hang up and Ted had been calling me while I was on the phone and he just kept saying he’s so sorry and that his brothers will take care of everything so I just tell him to spit it out that I just spoke with w#8 and didn’t currently have the patience to be kept in the dark.

And apparently Ash has some mental issues and absolutely despises me and had pictures of me on his bathroom covered both in pee and manjuice. He apparently also had some of B#1s daughter (F14) (I honestly don’t know what she did to him to deserve this).

Ted, disgusted and enraged with this goes into the bedroom and finds in his nightstand photo books that were supposed to be at his parent’s, which you can take a wild guess whose pictures were cut out and scratched off (all the comments about psychotic behavior were more accurate than I would’ve liked) which he drops out of disgust when he sees our wedding photo yellow stained.

He goes to pick it up and the cat is under the bed frightened and malnourished, when he coerces her out she is also covered in dried pee and manjuice. At this point B#6 calls him because I wasn’t answering, Ted tells him what he found and that Ash is not home and that he had to take the cat to the vet and B#6 tells him to stay there until they found out where Ash is.

They start calling each other, B#1 is furious, threatened to kill him because of his daughter (which is the reason he wasn’t one of the ones to come). Now all of the brothers know and there’s a lot of feelings going around ranging from fury to concern and they don’t know where Ash is.

Ted calls his mom to confront her about lying and covering and reuniting them (although she didn’t know he was lying about the therapist when she reunited them) and she cried and said that she knew B#1 through #8 had tormented Ash when he was little and she had done nothing about it and failed as a mother and that she had been trying to protect him now to make up for it.

I do remember when we got married my MIL was very on top of Ash and I just thought she was just being motherly, later Ted told me he also remembers his mom asking if it was a good idea to have him as best man which we were both too Naive to notice as odd as she had always pushed Ted to be present in Ash’s life,

which she told him in their confrontation that the more present Ted was in his life the more stable he was. She said she never told him because she didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on him (Ted) and that by the time she realized he had been lying he seemed “fine” and had “outgrown” his issues.

After hanging up on his mom is when he called me apologizing and tells me all of this, I called out of my other job because there’s no way I can go to work like this. I have a lot to think about but I’ll keep you posted.

—- I called Ted and told him I was on my way there because someone has to take care of the cat, he said he didn’t want me seeing any of that but I’m honestly just worried about the cat and at this point I’m just numb and wanted to feel useful.

About an hour into the drive I got a notification from our ring (the doorbell that records the people at your door) and it’s a delivery of sunflowers which are Ted’s favorite flower (he is very secure in his masculinity please don’t make this into a thing), I tell the delivery person to read me the card (with this type of doorbell you can talk to the person at the door)

and it’s from Ash saying something along the lines of “OP (me) did me dirty by sharing our problems online. Anything that comes from it will be on her”. And I just broke down, I had to pull over and just cry my heart out, I called my neighbor to please take the flowers and throw them out (and send Ted a picture) and I just drove back to go to my sister’s place because I honestly don’t know what to do.

I am so lost and all of this is so messed up and I had a huge family before any of this happened and I feel like I lost a lot of people who I love that I thought also thought of me as family but not even in my sheltered version of the world can I see or justify any of all of the things that are happening right now and I don’t want to lose my husband

and I’m worried about the cat and I’m scared Ashton is going to hurt himself or my husband and I called wife#1 and she is so scared for her daughter and I don’t want her to be scared but I don’t have it in me to console her because I’m just as scared and I rationally know none of this is my fault but I am the common point between everything that’s happened and I just don’t know what to do.

—- I’m “okay” or as okay as a person can be in this type of situation. I’m at my parents house and Ted is here and he brought me my cat and life sucks less with a cat on your lap.

Where to start? You’ll probably have a thousand questions by this point and I don’t know how to answer any of them since I’ve just been waiting to post all of this, maybe I won’t post it at all and keep you all wondering, I will say both this situation and some of the messages I’ve gotten have made me lose some of my faith in humanity but I guess that’s part of what makes us human.

You wanna know what’s the worst part out of all of this? I have legitimate peetsd and I don’t say that in a quirky way anymore. Every time I hear someone peeing (as in the pee hitting the water) I get this sense of dread in my chest and the world just becomes a bit staticky, going to the bathroom myself has been a whole experience.

I had my first therapy appointment tho, we luckily and tragically live in a world where you can just throw money and make anything happen, thanks daddy for paying for an emergency shrink.

That was an update of how I’m doing since some of you have asked, but I’ll get to the point and the reason of why you’re all here. What happened to Ash? After the flower delivery I just couldn’t deal with this anymore and made my way back to my sister’s, Ted immediately left and came to me.

B#6 is the one coordinating everything else, out of all of my BIL he is my favorite and I don’t care if the other see this, most of them have been trash to me at some point or the other clearly #10 taking the cake.

I haven’t had it in me to ask what’s going to happen to Ash, I think he needs help above everything else, b#1 clearly thinks differently and I guess he’s trying to get the police involved since his daughter is a minor.

I asked Ted to see the pictures (b#2 said to document everything) because I thought it would help. It did not. It just raised more questions but hey, I have a therapist now that can talk me through them. I guess right now I don’t have anything more to say, I’m sorry to have wasted your time, but I’m sure this isn’t over and I’ll have more to say maybe later, maybe tomorrow idk.

—- Well they found Ash, b#3, #4 and #8 showed up at his place and he was there this time. Apparently he hadn’t noticed Ted had been there and didn’t know about the shitstorm that was coming. Punches were thrown, yelling, more punches and one appointment to the ER later Ash is currently in a psychiatric hold being evaluated for a myriad of things.

Ted’s mom keeps trying to get in touch, I don’t know if it’s to apologize or to inquire about what’s happening (because in general everyone is mad at her) but I’m done with her. I think this is the worst reality check a person could ever have but I certainly have learned a lot about people and trust and families.

From the information that we have Ted’s mom seems to have been right about something, Ted not being actively present in his brothers life is what brought on this madness.

He’ll have to work through that with however methods of coping they provide him because Ted has cut off about half of his family, hopefully this time forever since I really don’t see either of us getting over this anytime soon.

Ash’s cat unfortunately didn’t make it, that’s something that I will forever feel guilty about. At some point in the last year she developed some type of kidney problem that went untreated and while she was being abused and neglected it became too late to help her.

The vet said that after everything he was hearing (because they were calling the police on b#4 for animal abuse and he had to kinda explain some of the situation) she was not going to make it without suffering and he decided to put her down.

Apparently the thing with b#1s daughter was about his severe bullying when they were younger, he never actually had much contact with her, it was about getting back at #1 in the way he knew best, his daughter is going to be attending therapy just in case.

I don’t know what or how much they told her but I assume they had to ask her questions about her contact with Ash and eventually they would’ve had to explain why they were asking. I guess that’s about it, I’m not leaving my husband, I’m not peeing on anybody’s property, I’m going to therapy and I made it very clear to absolutely everyone that I will never have any of them living with us for any reason.

I don’t care if the pope is with them I just feel like I lost that part of me that cared. And I guess all in all I still did not receive that apology but tbh I don’t want it either, perhaps my therapist will convince me otherwise or perhaps it’s for the best but for now I guess I’ll just idk deal with it as I can.