'AITA for telling my bio sister I’m sorry she wasn’t adopted but I owe her nothing?'
"AITA for telling my bio sister I’m sorry she wasn’t adopted but that doesn’t have anything to do with me and I owe her nothing?"
throwaway45282258
I (25M) was placed in the foster system by my bio parents when I was 2yo, I was adopted some time later by my real parents. I recognize that I’m extremely fortunate and lucky to have been adopted before I had any real memory of the system, and that my parents gave me a better life than I would have ever had if I had stayed with my bio parents.
I grew up privileged, went to private schools, had holidays abroad and had my tuition payed fully when I started Uni. I was loved, and never lacked anything. I currently have a well paying job as chemical engineer, a beautiful wife, a house paid off fully by my in laws, and 2 children.
I’m very grateful for everything I have and recognize that I would be leading a very different life had I not been adopted. Last year I was contacted by Opel (27F) who claimed I was her brother and wanted to meet up. After careful consideration I agreed.
After doing a DNA test together and digging a bit into family history Opel and I discovered that we were placed into foster care around the same time. Usually foster care will try to keep siblings together.
But for some reason we were not registered as siblings and were placed into different foster homes (probably due to having a different dad/surname, and being given up by different people). Opel got very upset by this discovery, even more so after she found out that while she was never adopted, I had lived a good life with loving parents.
After the discovery, Opel started calling and asking to hangout with my parents and I, or asking me to do certain favors for her. It got uncomfortable really quickly since to be frank I don’t know her that well, in all aspects except genetically she is a total stranger to me.
I don’t feel comfortable landing her money or introducing her to my entire family. She even made a couple of comments that made me uneasy when she asked me if I thought my parents would have adopted her also had they known she existed when I was adopted, and if I think they would accept her into the family now.
Last night she called me again, this time to complain how she saw that the women in my family had a get together over the weekend and how she felt excluded since she didn’t get an invite. I told her that I get that she’s upset but that was a family get together for all the women and she’s not family to them, so she’s not entitled to an invitation.
Opel began screaming at me how it was unfair and how since I’m considered family she should be considered too by extension, and that I owe it to her to make sure my family invites her next time since it’s the least I could do for her as someone who got adopted.
I told her I’m sorry she feels excluded and that she wasn’t adopted but neither my family nor I owe her anything before hanging up the phone. Since then I’ve been receiving non stop texts calling me an a$$h0l3 and an evil jerk, I’m starting to second guess myself and need an outside perspective on the situation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
forgetregret1day
It’s time to block her. You had no control over what happened to you as a 2 year old and owe her nothing. I’m sorry she’s jealous of your life and how fortunate you are, but that has nothing to do with you. She can’t decide she’s a part of your family just because she wants what you have.
She sounds a bit unstable, I don’t want to be unkind because I can’t know her experiences but again, it’s not your job to provide her with a family or money or favors or whatever she’s looking for.
I’d look at this as a learning experience. You tried to do something and it didn’t work out. End of story and end of contact, because if not, she will drain you like the emotional vampire she appears to be. NTA.
VisionAri_VA
This. She's looking to you to make up for everything she missed out on; that's not your responsibility because it's not your fault that things didn't go well for her. She does sound like she needs help but the kind she needs is way above your pay grade.
Proof_Option1386
NTA - block contact with her immediately. It's sad that she's had a tough life, but that isn't your problem, and it isn't your responsibility to fix it for her. You owe her nothing, but she feels otherwise. People like that are dangerous to have around, and you cannot reason with them.
ThisEnvironment6627
NTA I’d suggest ignoring her and after a while block her when her messages die down after being ignored. Don’t give her any reason to believe she’s wanted (it sucks that she wasn’t adopted but that’s got nothing to do with you or your family). And give a heads up to your family if you believe she might do something crazy.
Peony-Pony
NTA It's time to block your long lost sister. Whatever issues she has are not yours to solve. She's looking for something you can't give.
shammy_dammy
NTA. She is biologically related to you. She is, however, not related at all to your parents. They have every right to not have contact with her and definitely don't have to treat her as family.
ShineAtom
NTA. Block her and also check that your family have their social media accounts made private to prevent her seeing stuff as it sounds as if she was doing some online stalking.
Yes, she's your bio sister; you both had very different upbringings. Obviously yours was excellent but you still don't have any obligations towards her. Her demands from you and your family are unreasonable.
As you say, she is a total stranger to you. Her behaviour towards you has not made you feel in any way comfortable. Perhaps if she had come across as less needy, as less expecting, indeed demanding equal treatment from your adoptive family, things would have been different.