'AITA for baking my niece a cake for her first birthday?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for baking my niece a cake for her first birthday?"
Yesterday was my niece's first birthday and originally the plan for the cake was for my father-in-law to buy a store-bought cake. When my father-in-law mentioned he was buying a store-bought cake for the party I asked if I could bake the birthday cake and smash cake instead.
My father-in-law was thrilled at the idea and requested that it be a surprise to my sister and brother-in-law, I saw no issue and agreed. Over the past week, I have spent countless hours on this cake, going in I had very high expectations for the cake and although I did not meet those high expectations I am still happy with the cake and 100% believe it is better than a store-bought cake.
Yesterday at the party when it was time to bring out the cake my father-in-law took the cake out of its hiding spot and brought it into the main area of the party. When my brother-in-law saw the cake he had a big smile and seemed really happy, however when my sister-in-law saw the cake she looked mortified.
Quickly my sister-in-law threw on a fake smile and asked my father-in-law about the cake, probably my father-in-law announced that I was the one who made the cake. My sister-in-law gritted her teeth the entire time we sang happy birthday and refused to even try the cake for the whole party.
After I left I was bombarded with messages from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. The messages were everything from I intentionally sabotaged her daughter‘s first birthday party to because of me all the photos of her daughter‘s first birthday are ruined by the stain of my trashy cake.
I didn’t know what to say so I just screenshot all of the texts and sent them to my husband who is currently overseas for the military after I did that everything has just blown up. It feels like brother against brother and like my parents-in-law are just trying to play both sides.
Every Saturday we usually do a family day, usually, we all eat a bunch of good food and do some kind of activity together but this morning my father-in-law asked me to sit out of this week's family day out and I’m crushed.
Honestly, I was just trying to be nice and make my niece's birthday even more memorable, I was not trying to take the day away from her but it feels like everyone’s against me and I think I might be the jerk.
Edit: My profile picture is the cake and the theme of the party was cowboys and Texas. That’s why there is the Texas long horn and sheriffs badge.
Here is a picture of the cake (2 tiered with a topping of a cow and a sheriffs badge)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Impossible-Quail-679
NTA when I clicked on your profile my jaw dropped. That cake was amazing. Your SIL and BIL should be extremely grateful. It’s clear you put a lot of time and effort into that cake.
ToastWjelly657 OP responded:
I actually had to remake the cake last minute because I didn’t like how it was originally turning out. I’ve been trying to get better at my cake decorating skills and it’s by no means my best work but I really really gave it my all.
_ewan_
It looks great.
Have they actually explained what they think the problem was? Especially since one of them seemed happy with it when they first saw it.
fallen_star_2319
I wonder if SIL agreed to the theme to pacify BIL, and didn't think the store bought cake would be the theme. And then was blindsided because FIL agreed to OP making the cake without telling anyone.
claireclairey
NTA but your FiL sure is. He should’ve accepted complete responsibility for all this drama, and never uninvited you to a family gathering. Sounds like he’s afraid to “rock the boat” for fear of not seeing his grandkid, which is sad.
A month later, the OP returned with an update:
Right before I was about to leave for my M&FIL house I got a phone call from my husband, husband was extremely upset and asked me if I had left for his parents yet. I said no and he told me he needed to make me aware of a situation. A few hours before his father called him and shared with him screenshots of a dating app profile containing my name and photos.
Before I could say anything my husband reassured me he knew it was fake. A few things that tipped him off.
• Screenshots from the profile said “less than a mile away” when referring to the distance of the user.
• It was my SIL who found the account. My straight, female, and married SIL just randomly decided to go on bumble and somehow fell upon my profile even though we live over 100 miles apart.
When I got to M&FIL's house FIL rushed out to talk to me, he told me I had every right to be upset but asked me to be the bigger person and not cause any more unnecessary drama.
When I got to SIL, initially she denied everything but after about 2 minutes she couldn’t keep her story straight. Instead of apologizing she just started bawling her eyes out, she blamed the whole thing on pregnancy hormones and tried to play it off as a joke.
My M&FIL both pulled me outside to try and get me to calm down. I asked them why they were taking her side they told me there were no sides and they were just trying to keep the peace.
After they said that I lost it and told them keeping the peace it’s just an excuse used by enablers. I told them that they had a very important decision to make, if they choose to standby SIL they will lose me as consequence.
They told me they were afraid to lose their grandchild and I responded with “You're going to lose a set of grandchildren, either way, it’s either going to be the ones in front of you now or the future grandchildren me and husband will have.”
My husband and I are on the same page and we have both agreed to cut contact with his family unless some kind of just consequence for SIL happens.
Edit: Background info Husband is currently 12 months into an 18 month deployment for the military.
Edit 2: I feel like I need to clarify the family relations. I am not biologically related to anyone in this post. I am married to my husband who is biological related to his brother. BIL is married to SIL FIL & MIL have two biological sons and two daughter-in-law‘s (myself and sister-in-law)
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's update:
Sel-Reddit
NTA. Pregnancy doesn’t take over your mind, make you download and create a fake dating profile and ‘frame’ your SIL. That took sustained effort culminating in it being shown to your husband. She tried to ruin your marriage.
How are your in-laws defending this? As your husband wasn’t there, if location services weren’t on - how would you have proven your innocence? She lied when cornered and tried to use emotional manipulation to excuse it.
ToastWjelly657 OP responded:
They insist they are not taking sides.
They simply want everyone to get along and move past this.
Sel-Reddit
They SHOULD be - she’s the offender, you and your husband are the victims. They were happy to believe HER and tell your husband that you’re a cheat. If she continually gets away with this behaviour, it’ll escalate.
This could’ve ended your marriage - or rocked it, if there was any doubt (lucky that your husband is smart and trusts you!) To hurt you both like this, for no reason, is horrendous.
atkhan007
NTA. Yeah, never heard that pregnancy hormones can cause one to make a profile of someone else on bumble.
Major_Barnacle_2212
I just read your other post and your SIL is trying to sabotage you for some inexplicable reason. It pre-dates the freaking adorable cake. I don’t know what it is but I wouldn’t even ask your parents-in-law to choose.
I would duck this family based on their last response to the cake situation. I’m sorry. I am sure you wanted to be a part of the family during your husband’s deployment but sometimes you’re better with nothing than something rotten. NTA.
Another month later, the OP returned with a second update:
I would first like to say thank you to everyone who commented and sent me information and tools on how to deal with my situation. I have read all comments multiple times and although I didn’t get back to everyone I tried to take all the information as best I could.
My husband and I talked about everything that happened between me and his family, after a lot of back-and-forths we couldn’t agree on how to handle the situation so we decided to do couples therapy.
After therapy, we have both decided to completely cut all communication and ties with his brother and SIL. As for his parents, the plan is for me to no longer go and see them or for me to make any active attempt to communicate or be a part of their lives.
If his parents do not attempt to reach out to me for the remainder of my husband‘s deployment (5 months) then we have decided to go no contact with his parents and cut them off completely. The biggest question I saw in the comments is why does my SIL hate me so much? Here is some more information:
• SIL became pregnant after two weeks of dating BIL, SIL and BIL remained unemployed throughout SIL entire pregnancy and lived 100% off of the means of my in-laws. My husband and I are homeowners and both of us are very successful in our independent careers.
• SIL has always struggled with what she wants to do with her life, she doesn’t like taking care of her baby but doesn’t want to work. She goes back and forth on these grandiose ideas for a career but doesn’t want to go back to college.
About a year and a half ago my SIL started talking about becoming a realtor, but they couldn’t afford the fees and classes required to do so. I had always toyed with the idea of getting my realtors to license so I told my SIL I would happily pay for her classes, fees, etc and she and I could go through the courses together.
After a month my SIL bailed on the idea of becoming a realtor but I finish and got my license. I am unable to physically have children, I found this out a few years ago, and emotionally I have never recovered.
Ever since I found out I refuse to hold or play with any baby, older kids are easier but emotionally I am not mature enough to interact with a baby yet. I have never held my SIL baby and although I have had conversations with her directly as to my reasons as well as my in-laws they take it very personally.
I have this issue with all babies even my sister‘s and best friend's baby. I am currently in counseling. My husband and I have decided that we are going to start looking for a house in my home state so that way I can be closer to my old friends and my family. And no matter which way things go with his parents we both believe some distances is a good idea.
P.S I have not given up on my cake decorating hobby and since then I have made almost a dozen more cakes for friends and neighbors. Thank you to everyone who gave me the confidence for moving forward and not giving up.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's latest post:
kai077
OP I’m glad that you are moving forward. I’m sorry you can’t have children. Have you considered be a childfree couple? It’s alright if you want to go to surrogacy or adoption if you still want kids.
AstronautNo920
My heart goes out to you and your husband. Have you ever thought of fostering. My mom died when I was eight and my dad was an addict. I was placed into foster care and then adopted at 12 by a lovely older couple who didn’t want my brother and I to be separated.
Family comes in all different shapes I hope you and hubby find the “shape” that works for you and I’m so glad you are letting the drama go. Sending strength and happy thoughts your way.
matchamagpie
Holy cow, that cake??? OP would be my kids' favorite auntie and I'd be showering her with gifts and praise ALL the time.
Mailco
Clearly the problem was that the cake looked TOO good. Yet another way OP has outshone her SIL. SIL probably tried the faked dating profile to take OP down a peg. Destroying others is so much easier than improving yourself.
stacity
Wow. This is a long definition of: no good deed goes unpunished.
A cute cake was the last straw that caused OP to get alienated by her in-laws.