Birthday celebration for grandma leads to dramatic wedding cancellation. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for suggesting that my brother and his fiancée bring out a cake at midnight on their wedding day for our grandma's 80th birthday?"
Aware-Chicken5917
My older brother is getting married to his partner on July 20th, a date that they agreed on in January and shared with the family. July 21st is our grandma's 80th birthday, she comes from a line of women where none of them lived past the age of 80 so it's a big deal for her and she announced last year that she wanted to go all out with a weekend long celebration.
When my brother announced his wedding date, she was the first one to react with kindness considering he forgot all about her 80th birthday plans when deciding upon the wedding date.
They had made several down payments before announcing, so there was no point in asking them to move the wedding a week before or later for grandma. And grandma wouldn't allow it.
She ultimately decided to have a relaxing, lowkey Sunday dinner because my brother and his fiancée also want to have a post wedding brunch that day for relatives and the bridal party.
My mom and I got to talking and we thought it would be super fun if, at midnight, us grandkids could surprise grandma with a cake and have the band play her favorite song so we could share a dance with her. It seemed like a fun way to include such an important milestone into the celebratory weekend since she was giving up her big birthday bash in favor of the wedding.
I called my brother immediately to share the idea with him and he loved it, he even came up with the idea to make the cake England themed because mom and I are taking her to England in September as our gift, it's a life long dream of hers to go.
That is, he loved it until he didn't, meaning until he spoke with his fiancée. He called to say the "cake deal for gran" was off and that same night I received a text from his fiancée telling me I should've checked with her first if she would be okay with it and how I was being insensitive, rude and selfish for meddling with her special day.
Yes, her special day. Not my brother's special day or their special day, her special day. She really seems like a good person and we get along well despite not being super close, but it seemed logical to me to contact my brother since it's also his wedding and it's his grandma, not hers.
I responded back by saying it was my brother's special day as well and how he was initially thrilled by the idea. I also told her I didn't appreciate her accusing me of meddling since both mom and I have fully respected the fact that she planned the entire wedding with her mom, leaving us out of the loop, despite my parents paying for a portion of the wedding.
My mom was bummed about being fully excluded even though all she would've wanted was to know how everything was going. The wedding reception is scheduled to end at 2am, and by midnight she'll already have been the center of attention.
It's not like someone is going to jump out of her wedding cake and propose to another person. My text was met with a phone call from my brother who basically told me the conversation is over as I've overstepped my boundaries. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Sebscreen
NTA. Your kind, loving 80-year-old grandma, who has already expressed how this is a historic and meaningful moment for her, is more important than your entitled SIL who would already have a full day of attention under her belt by then.
Go ahead and plan for lovely festivities with your grandma and her family without SIL or your brother. She outright declared war on the people financing her wedding and who are important to her husband, so all bets are off.
The OP responded here:
Aware-Chicken5917
My mom is now really upset over the whole situation and she feels responsible for messing things up. I, on the other hand, am angry enough to blow off the wedding and throw grandma a weekend birthday bash instead.
The old lady is so sweet and kind that she would probably be stressed going back and forth as to not miss her grandson's big day or the party her granddaughter threw her.
I mean, of course I won't do it but it's fun to think about. I do admit I was originally annoyed when they announced the wedding date, so were my aunts and cousins, but my grandma was so kind about it and my mom supported her as she wanted to be there for both her son and her mom.
So grandma ended up settling for a basic Sunday dinner knowing everyone will be tired, hungover and worn out instead of having a weekend long birthday bash with all the people she loves.
Sebscreen
Do you think those aunts and cousins would be down to organise something for your grandma. Nothing outrageous, but something better than a lunch alone and closer to her original vision for a weekend long party.
The OP again responded:
Aware-Chicken5917
I would have to check with them. Mom doesn't want this getting out as to not upset grandma and to not further upset the bride to be. The problem is that we have a lot of family and friends coming from out of state.
They were originally going to come for the birthday but now they're coming for the wedding, so I'm not sure how many of them could tweak their schedules and stay an additional day or two if we were to celebrate on Sunday & Monday for example.
DjTotenkopf
You're not TA for suggesting it, but definitely YTA for arguing it afterwards and for coming here clearly still trying to prove your own point to yourself. It's her wedding to your brother: you can't expect someone to let you borrow her wedding for your own event.
This is the most important event in some people's lives, they get to have whatever celebration they want. Yes, your brother approved it, but if it's not something both people want them just drop it and apologize: you have, in fact, overstepped your boundaries. If you want to do something nice for your grandma, take the initiative on some special event actually for her, don't borrow a wedding.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update - AlTA for suggesting that my brother and his fiancée bring out a cake at midnight on their wedding day for our grandma's 80th birthday?"
Aware-Chicken5917
The wedding is off. After the conflict between me and my brother's former fiancée, which resulted in a phone call from my brother, I decided to text her 3 days later to apologize.
Even though my family and the internet sided with me, I just didn't want any bad mojo or to be a SIL from hell. My text was met with a lot of anger on my dad's behalf, which really surprised me because the man supports me no matter what.
He was telling me how I shouldn't have been the one to apologize and he let another thing slip out - end of February, the bride's dad asked my dad, in confidence, if he could pitch in additional money for his daughter's dream wedding because he didn't think it was fair he had to pay more due to tradition. My mom didn't know about this which prompted fight number one.
My dad was pissed that I was the one to apologize even though I was the one that was insulted, so he called my brother behind our backs and told him that he respects the fact that she will be his wife and his primary family, but how he also thinks he should've checked her for insulting me the same way he checked me for crossing a boundary.
He then did what dads sometimes do best - go off with a monologue after keeping shit inside for months. He told him about the additional money that he gave and he told him he wasn't convinced the overlapping events were a coincidence. Fight number two ensued. My brother called our mom the next day to tell her the wedding was off, all hell broke loose.
We then couldn't get in touch with my brother or his fiancée for almost a week. Her mom then got ahold of my work email and emailed me saying I had ruined her daughter's life.
I forwarded the email to my brother and he finally called me back. He said it felt like she wanted to marry for the wedding, not for the marriage. She also admitted to making her dad ask our dad for more money so she could afford a wedding flower package she wanted that was an additional $7000, and she saw nothing wrong with keeping it a secret from my brother.
She also refused to at least acknowledge my apology and to apologize back to me. My brother told her he would like to postpone the wedding and work on their issues and she ended up calling off the wedding and breaking up with him.
My relationship with my brother is still a wreck, he said he needs time because he loves her but he understands she didn't prioritize him as much as he did her. Grandma's birthday bash is back on, and we're happy for her, she's excited as heck after the initial turmoil.
I miss my brother so much and it sucks knowing how heartbroken he is, but at least he's talking to my parents and he has the rest of the family as his support system. I really hope we can rebuild our relationship someday. I'm glad he won't marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, but it's awful being the trigger to his life falling apart and I regret everything.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
jrm1102
Ultimately, it sounds like this is for the best and your brother dodged a bullet.
Hopefully you two can repair your relationship.
The OP responded here:
Aware-Chicken5917
Thank you. I'll be seeing him for the first time during grandma's birthday weekend and I'm equally terrified and looking forward to it. I'm hoping we can sit down and talk, but if not, I won't pressure him. I know our family will do everything to try to cheer him up and be a solid support system.
jrm1102
I dont know your brother (or you) so take this for what its worth
Maybe talk about anything BUT this. Dude’s wedding just got called off mere weeks before it was set to happen, he’s probably hurt and embarrassed. So go talk about baseball or whatever, something innocuous.
The OP again responded:
Aware-Chicken5917
That makes sense! The wedding was called of mid May, a few days after I had originally posted but the two of us haven't spoken aside from that one phone call. I do text him periodically just to check up on him, he hasn't replied to my texts but he's talking and facetiming with our parents and grandparents as well as some cousins so I know he's okay and slowly doing better.
I would like to apologize to him face to face but I like the idea of keeping things lighthearted if possible so he can feel more relaxed and hopefully have some much needed fun.
EsmeWeatherwax7a
To the degree that you caused this chain of events--and honestly if you didn't ask about the cake, someone else would have done something that the bride considered "meddling" so I don't think you did--it's a favor to your brother in the long run.
It's super painful and embarrassing to call off a wedding, but divorce is worse. He got to see something he needed to see. I hope he comes to see that soon, and I hope you know you did nothing you need to regret.