'AITA for divorcing my husband because he can’t accept that I was with another guy before him?' UPDATED

"AITA for divorcing my husband because he can’t accept that I was with another guy before him?"

So I (27F) am married to my husband Spencer (28M) for 2 years but been together for 6 years total. We don’t have kids. I have known Spencer since elementary school. We have had a loving relationship from the beginning. But now he is destroying it with his insecurity, after discovering I was with another guy before him.

So he knows I am bi. I had dated girls most of high school, until graduation I hooked up with my best friend Maven's (26F) cousin Thomas. He was 16 and I was 18, when we hooked up, He was the only guy I was with. We dated a bit, but it didn’t go anywhere.

I did dated my last ex girlfriend from 18-20, in college. We broken up, then I got with Spencer. We have been together since. Spencer knew I dated girls. In high school and in college. But we really never talked about our past relationships and flings. But Spencer, hooked up with half the girls I know in high school and hooked up with many in college.

The thing with me is, I don’t care for past relationships. It doesn’t bother me. I’m not a jealous person. Spencer didn’t show any signs at all of being jealous. When Spencer and I went to go see our friends. Maven my best friend was there. We were at a Spencer's best friends house, we were all drinking. It was fun, we watched a bit of movies and the topic of hook ups came up.

Everyone was talking about body counts, and past relationships. Spencer did talk about how many girls he hooked up with to his best friend Ace. Then he boost how he was the only guy that I hooked up with. Maven did cut him off and told him while giggling “You mean second.” Spencer was confused, and asked me if it was true and with who.

I did say yes and with Thomas. He just got quiet after that. The whole time there, he wasn’t interacting with anyone that much. Was only on his phone. I did try talking to him. But he either not hear me or say one worded answers. When we got home. He snapped at me and told me, I was a wh$re for letting a guy touch me. How he thought he was the only one.

I just started crying, I told him that we never talked about our past relationships that much. It was even before we got together. He was dating another girl, when I even got with Thomas. That was years ago. Why is he mad now about it?

He proceeded to call me so many names and how I was gross, if he was better. I just didn’t answer him, and went to our room and locked it. He slept on the couch, and did tell me the next day he was sorry and drunk. I did forgive him.

I thought we got over it, but when we are intimate, he will always ask if Thomas was better. For EVERYTHING. It was getting tiring, I told him to stop asking me this and reassured him. That he was the best thing to happen to me. He did stop, and things went back to normal.

Till I got a text and screen shots from Thomas, who I haven’t spoken too in years. The last time we broken up. I was confused and saw the screen shots of my husband. Threatening Thomas, saying he was gonna [****] him. That he wished he was dead.

Everything awful. Now Thomas is married and has kids. So I am not sure where Spencer think he was going to get out of Thomas. I did apologize to Thomas and told him, I had no idea this was happening.

But Thomas told me to keep my husband under a leash and proceeded to block me. I was just furious, I confronted Spencer. We got into a huge argument. I told him I was divorcing him. He started crying and begged me not to go. But I left and staying with one of my girl friends place. I’m done with his bul&^%$t.

His friends are harassing me and calling me a whore and a liar. His family is asking me to come back. But I just can’t. He has put so much stress over something that had nothing to do with him. Years before we got together! AITA if I proceed with the divorce?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Freeverse711 said:

NTA. Um, he called you a w#%re? That’s not really something you move past. Your husband is a massive hypocrite. Stick to your guns on divorce, the way he acted is straight up crazy.

RealHumanFromEarth said:

NTA, your husband has some serious psychological problems, and based on what you described he sounds potentially dangerous.

Upbeat_Orchid2742 said:

NTA. He’s jealous of a teenager you hooked up with. To be worried about how much better a 16 year old was than him in bed is a really sad side effect of his insecurities. It’s a shame he couldn’t just communicate that or internalize it and work on himself. Instead he turned to threatening some random man living his life.

Someone else said it.. that’s unstable and sad. Hopefully he can reflect and learn from this reaction. Good on you for not tolerating or reinforcing that behavior.

Anisaxxx said:

Do Spencer and his friends know what the definition of a wh#re is? So it’s okay for him to have hooked up with with a ton of women and when you hook up with one guy, it’s a problem? Insecurity is one thing, but your husband sounds completely unhinged. NTA. Divorce this manchild.

GaidinDaishan said:

NTA. Your husband is the kind of toxic man who still lives in the stone age. Leave him, divorce him, do what you can. He won't stop because he thinks his own past of wh$ring around is acceptable but your one other time with another guy is taboo. He probably thinks he was the one who turned you "straight."

Heartloverx said:

NTA I feel like you would’ve been honest with him before if he had asked but he just assumed you hadn’t been with a guy.The hypocrisy is crazy how can he expect you to never be with a guy but he can hook up with many girls and date them.

I can understand why he’d be upset when finding out he wasn’t the first guy but calling you names and then sending threats to a guy that is married is actually crazy.If he’s the one you’ll find your way back but it’s good that you chose to get out of that toxic environment.

One month later OP came back with this update:

Hello, here is a small update about my situation. I have gotten many supporting messages and comments. Which means a lot to me. Again thank you.

Now I had to try finding a divorce lawyer. I did stay at one of my friends place for a few days. When I came back. Spencer wanted to talk. I accepted it. We had a long serious talk. Spencer apologized to me. He was regretful and he cried a little bit. Spencer wanted to make it work with me. He doesn’t want to divorced

He told me he will get help for his outburst and anger issues. Spencer apologized for talking about his past hookups in front of me, calling me horrible names, and treating me badly. He told me that he will never bring up Thomas again and he won’t ever compare himself to Thomas. Spencer said was a huge hypocrite.

When he was with someone else, at the time I was dating Thomas. He had no right to be upset. Because we weren’t together. And now that we are, that’s all that matter. Is that we have each other. He told me I was the only woman he ever loved. He said I’m the love of his life, and he wants to be with me forever.

Spencer also had told his friends not to bother me. That it was his fault. He said he tried to message Thomas he was sorry. But he gotten blocked each time. Spencer told me, accepts me for who I am. And that loves me. He told me I am the most beautiful and best wife he can ever ask for, and that I was the love of his life. He did try to kiss me. But I gently pushed him away from me.

I was a crying mess at this point. I accepted his apology, as he seems sincere and genuine. I really wasn’t sure, and still thought of proceeding with the divorce. I told Spencer, it wasn’t okay to kiss me and that our trust is very fragile at the moment, and it will take a very long time. Especially for me to trust him. After all the hurt and s^%$ he put me through.

Spencer accepted that it will and he is gonna take it slow and not push me away. Even if we do divorce. And he is doing better. All his friends apologized to me. So did his best friend Ace. He sent me a long message and I thanked him for it. I am staying in our guest room for the moment. Just going to work and seeing my friends. Maven has been my rock the most.

She comes by everyday just to make sure I’m okay and spend time with me. Maven just ignores Spencer at this point. Spencer hasn’t been pushy at all. We talk and spend time with each other. He’s been doing more chores for me, and getting me flowers and gifts. I did tell him not to overdue it, and he did stop. Now I don’t think I want a divorce.

I know it wasn’t okay what Spencer had done. I usually give people chances, and I feel like Spencer should get one. I surely won’t forget what he said, and him threatening Thomas. Because I was scared of his whole outburst. My head just feels puzzled, and I don’t think I want to divorce no more. That’s really all, been really confused on what I want to do now.

Again thank you for all the supportive messages and comments. I’m truly grateful.

EDIT: Please to everyone, stop sending me surprise [****] photos. I am not interested and feel uncomfortable by it. Thank you!