"AITA for blowing up at my friend who constantly makes comments about my boobs?"

I have big boobs. I’m currently at 114 lbs. and there’s nothing I can do to change the size of these things unless I have surgery. I’m also extremely shy and from a very conservative family so my resentment and shame towards my bust is an ongoing issue.

My friend *Sarah is one of those unfiltered free thinkers who says whatever is on her mind. She’s also slim and her chest is very much in proportion to the rest of her body. We work together and I’m always secretly jealous of how great shirts and tops look on her whereas I feel I look very sloppy and unprofessional with oversized, ill fitting clothes.

Sarah has this way of always bringing up my boobs in conversation, starting off complimentary but often ending with an subtle insult. She knows they’re a physical feature I’m uncomfortable with but doesn’t let up. Examples of things she’ll say is how my boobs look good now but give it a few years, and they’ll be down to my knees, hahaha!

Or she’ll show me comments online where people are discussing chest size preferences and most are commenting how they much prefer a smaller bust over large. Or just a general reminder of how work or men will never take me seriously because of my ‘cartoon boobs’. I know she’s trying to have lighthearted fun but it gets to me and I’ve told her a few times to drop it before.

Now we’re working from home, we all have daily video calls and meetings. Uniform is not necessary and can wear what we like. A few days ago, it was extremely hot and I was wearing a lighter, more revealing top than my usual baggy coverups. During this video call, in front of 6 other colleagues, Sarah starts vocalising her thoughts on my appearance: ‘Holy sh!t! Put those away!

You look like you’re in a p@rn@. We don’t need to see that first thing in the morning, hahaha.’ I was mortified. One other colleague laughed along but the rest looked uncomfortable. I felt close to tears, made an excuse and left the meeting. Sarah called me up half an hour later asking me what was wrong and I went off on her.

Told her to go F herself and was sick of her constant jabs about my appearance. I went on a 10 minute tirade and hung up. Sarah has been off sick since that day and we haven’t spoken again. I’m wondering if I was too harsh and maybe should call and apologize for my outburst? Was I TA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

lyraterra said:

Absolutley NTA. On a work call??!! That's workplace sexual harassment. If it ever happens again, contact HR.

banana_p3pp3r said:

NTA As a fellow large busted lady (they are not in proportion to my body type and size) comments make me uncomfortable too. She's probably making jabs because she's jealous and insecure but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You told her to stop and she didn't and then made everyone else uncomfortable with her comments as well. She didn't listen the first time so she deserved the 10 minute lecture.

whispywoods said:

NTA this is sexual harassment

And ALIENCLITORIS said:

NTA. You should go to management/hr if this ever happens again because it’s straight up sexual harassment. Also, I don’t even know you, but I’m incredibly angry at all the people who make you feel bad about your body. Your boobies and the rest of you are beautiful and valuable and deserve no hate whatsoever. I wish you well on your journey to self-acceptance.

She then posted a series of updates.

First update:

I’m fuming. I just spoke with a colleague, *John, (who was part of the video call that day) and he told me that Sarah’s been telling everyone that it’s ME that’s been bullying her and making her feel insecure about her appearance. When she made those comments during the meeting, it was in retaliation to how I’ve made her feel.

Apparently, I said she looks like a boy and called her flat chested and ugly several times in the past. I have NEVER and would never say this! I don’t even understand the stupid ‘boy body’ insult because a small bust has always looked very beautiful and classy in my eyes.

Anyway, John knows she’s full of crap and has suggested we speak with HR. The others will also back me up. I know most people here suggested I do this and I wasn’t sure at first but screw it, I’m reporting her. I don’t know why I ever considered her a friend, she’s mental and annoying.

Second update:

I now feel stupid for even asking the question AITA. I thought I may have been at one point because the video call was amongst mostly work mates rather than clients and I wasn’t sure if my sensitivity towards my body image made me overreact to a joke that could have been innocent (I now realise it wasn’t).

I’ve also spoken to another coworker who is closer to Sarah and she thinks Sarah may have already reported me to HR. She said the phone conversation we had after the meeting was filled with abusive bullying language and physical threats. It wasn’t a pleasant phone call but the worst thing I said was she go F herself and that I don’t want to speak to her again.

The rest of the conversation was just rehashing all the comments she made about my body and how it made me feel. She also claimed that I have been making inappropriate jokes about her appearance and work ethic(?) through the years and this confrontation was a long time coming.

She also suggested that I’ve convinced the guys in the office to take my side by being a flirt and a tease (did I mention that I’m stupidly shy?) My head is swimming and I think I may be dealing with an actual psycho. I don’t know how it’s come to this ridiculous level of craziness. All I wanted to do was get on with my work in peace and get through this crappy time but now I have to deal with this bullsh!t.

Third update:

Just to answer a few questions I’ve seen: I’ve contacted HR with my complaint. I have a lot of old text messages and emails with comments and memes Sarah has sent making fun of my chest size. John and other colleagues are fully supporting me as well as my manager. It will take a while for them to get back to me but I’m confident that things will be sorted and Sarah will be dealt with.

My breasts alone aren’t 114lbs. My overall weight is. I mentioned this because my chest seems much larger on my small frame making clothes that others wear and look nice in, look completely gaudy and cheap on me.

I can’t lose anymore weight to make a difference on my bust size. I won’t get surgery but I have been working on my body image issues which my shyness and upbringing did a number on. People’s comments don’t usually devastate me as they once did but Sarah obviously tried her best to break me down.

Thank you to all for clothing suggestions. I will definitely look into tailoring some tops and have spent some time checking out Bravissimo which looks great.

In hindsight, I should have confronted Sarah more sternly in the past but I guess I was trying to avoid conflict. Others have suggested I may have allowed her to gaslight me which may be true. I just want to move on at this point.

Fourth update:

The coworker (*Lucy), who keeps in contact with Sarah and told me earlier that Sarah may have reported me to HR, has just phoned to tell me that Sarah has suffered a serious panic attack. Lucy does not want to take sides but has suggested I reconsider taking drastic action.

Sarah is too unwell to talk to me herself but has asked I drop my complaint and she will drop hers, citing the whole thing as a misunderstanding and stress-induced disagreement.

I have had panic attacks before in my life and I seriously felt like I was going to die. It’s a horrible feeling and if Sarah has honestly just had one herself, I don’t want to push her too far. I still want to address her comments over the video call but I’m wondering if I should just drop the other complaints.

Sarah has asked to move teams so we don’t directly work with one another but it doesn’t seem she wants to apologise yet. And just to clarify to people who assume I was wearing a bikini top or boob tube during the meeting, I wasn’t. It was a short sleeved plain tshirt which hugged my breasts more than my usual baggy tops.

I don’t like to hold grudges and I think getting her fired during a time like this may be a sh!tty thing to do. I feel she has already punished herself by displaying this messed up behaviour to others and losing a lot of respect from coworkers.

If we don’t ever have to interact with one another, I’m up for that. I have a suspicion that Sarah may have found this post and read it which I thought I would feel bad about but I really don’t care.

Final update:

I’m not dropping any of the complaints. Sarah (F you Michelle) and I have spoken, and although it started off promising, she is mentally unhinged and without a conscience. I did not realise how deep her hatred runs. Not only did she mock all those things I had told her in confidence about the way my family treated me growing up, she accused me of sleeping with every guy from work to get ahead.

Now I know where some of those fake office rumours about me came from. I’ve been such a naive idiot and allowed my shyness and aversion to conflict to stop me from fighting people who manipulate and walk all over me. I don’t need this misery in my life. If she’s reading this, get professional help immediately.

I know you desperately fancy John and, as you said, despise the way he looks at me. I know it bothers you that he took my side and has been a great support. Maybe I will go for drinks with him when lockdown ends.

If I don’t make any new updates, just assume that the right person was reprimanded and faced the consequences of their words and actions.

She didn't make any further updates. Hopefully that's a good sign!