MIL upset after being “booped” for ignoring pregnant DIL’s personal space. + UPDATE
"'Booping' my MIL's nose when she kept touching my baby bump"
I posted this on another sub and had a bunch of people suggest I post here. I didn't even realize this sub was a thing, but think I have found a new safe space! And based on the comments, I think I'm going to s how my husband these posts and the comments and then have a serious conversation with him.
I am 31 weeks pregnant with our first. We announced our pregnancy at 13 weeks and everyone was SUPER excited since they will be the first grandchild on either side. I started showing at about 4.5 months and initially tried to be patient with my mom/MIL/Grand Parents/Aunts/Random old-lady-at-the-store when they wanted to touch my belly.
I wasn't crazy about people constantly rubbing my belly like I was some Buddha statue but let it go since everyone was excited. After a few weeks I got touched out and politely asked people to stop or would nicely say no when they asked, which most people respected.
MIL tends to be overbearing and pushy. Very much has main character syndrome. Gets pouty and grumpy when she doesn't get her way. She was the only one that continued to constantly touch my belly even when I tried to say no. She'd always say she's just so excited she can't help herself. The bigger I got, the more it happened.
A couple weeks ago we were visiting DH's relatives for an event and and as soon as we walked in MIL made a beeline over to us. That day I was just feeling icky - big, tired, uncomfortable, you know what I mean. I put one hand up to stop her and tried to cover my belly with the my other hand. She brushed my hand aside and and started rubbing my belly.
So that's when I got super annoyed and gently "booped" her on the nose. I even said "Boop". She just looked really confused and we ended up walking away to go talk to other relatives. As we were leaving that night, she put her hands on my belly again and as soon as she did, I booped her again.
We saw her again some days later with one of her friends. Her friend asked if she could touch my belly and I nicely told her my stomach was all touched out and she was fine. No drama. While that was happening, MIL snuck up on my and started rubbing my belly again. And I booped her on the nose again.
She looked really annoyed and said how irritating that was and asked why I kept doing it. And I told her that if she was going to keep rubbing my belly after asked her not to, I was going to boop her on the nose. She got mad and said I was being childish and dramatic. That night she called my husband crying and said I was being mean and embarrassed her in front of her friend.
DH got annoyed with me and said she was just showing how excited she was and that she's from an older generation so it wasn't nice of me to do that to her. Instead he said I should have talked to her (again) and explained why I didn't want people rubbing my belly anymore.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
Ok so hub doesn't want you to boop his mommy in a VERY reasonable and appropriate response when she gets all up in your business after you've clearly told her to stop. Fine. He also checks notes won't back you up in telling her to knock that invasive, rude stuff off. Also fine.
Just make sure to tell him that if she chooses to force your hand then he needs to remember the conversation when Mommy calls him screeching that when she yet again tried to stomp all over your clearly stated personal boundaries and get physical, you nailed her with a water pistol. And that said water pistol will be on your person at all times, especially for when she starts to get all grabby with your child.
I love this. Boop away my friend! The sooner she stops treating you like a vessel that’s housing her grandchild, the better.
This isn’t a generational thing. This is a bad behavior thing. After all, the friend is presumably a similar generation and listened respectfully. Your response was brilliant. Cute, playful, immediate feedback in the moment. Textbook perfect.
Almost three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I posted a couple weeks ago about how my MIL would not listen to me when I asked her not to keep touching my baby bump. It's in my profile if anyone wants to read it. When I posted it, I kind of meant it as an amusing little vent about my MIL.
But when I started reading all the comments (thank you all SO MUCH for your comments and support!) it made me stop and think about how often this kind of thing happens, how often my DH defers to his mom and how he never has my back when it comes to her.
I've been trying to psych myself up for all the boundary stopping once LO comes in about 7 weeks. But as I was reading through all the comments I started to realize that this isn't normal.
Or, at least it shouldn't be. I probably spent way more time reading about everyone else's MILs and it was really validating to see I wasn't the only one that struggles with their MIL.
I have a good relationship with my mom and dad. But, well, they are typical (I think) parents. They offer unsolicited advice, come to our apartment and move things around to "help", etc.
We disagree about stuff and argue and fight sometimes. But here's the thing, when I tell them to stop whatever they are doing, or when I/we don't take their advice - THEY DON'T GET MAD.
They don't say "I told you so" when we ignore them and then things don't work out like we expected. When we fight, they don't hold grudges are cause any drama. And honestly, I can't think of any fight/argument that has lasted longer than the conversation where we had the fight.
By the time we finish talking, either I or they will have apologized and we move on. No drama. And most importantly, they respect my relationship with DH and respect that we are adults who can make our own choices.
I'm always walking on eggshells around MIL. She's easily offended and really thinks she is the main character in everybody's life. When she "asks" us to do something, it really means she's telling us what she wants done. DH NEVER says no. And when I try to establish boundaries he gets completely frazzled that I don't want to do whatever MIL says.
So after reading everything - all the comments and the PMs - I actually got really super pissed off. So I sat DH down and told him I can't do this anymore and I'm NOT going to do this anymore. I'm not going to continue to prioritize his family over mine.
I'm not going to continue letting MIL ruin special events or continue to cancel plans when she asks us to stuff that conflicts. DH started to get angry and honestly he looked like he was about to cry just at the thought of saying no to her.
I used the baby-bump rubbing as an example and asked why he thought it was ok for her to ignore my request to stop. He tried to say it's normal, she's excited, she's old (she's not THAT old) and finally the classic "that's just the way she is".
I pointed out that everyone else stopped when I asked them to, and even MILs friend that was with her asked first if she could rub my tummy and when I said no she wasn't upset or anything. I pointed out that my parents, my grandparents, my aunts & uncles all respected my boundary.
Then like some of you suggested, I asked how he'd feel if my dad rubbed DH's belly or something like that. I think I broke his brain because he understood what I was saying but was still struggling with the idea of going against his mom.
We had several conversations (it should have only taken one, but I had to drag him kicking and screaming to the conclusion) and I told him starting now I'm establishing boundaries and that going forward, his family is not more important than mine. And his mom's wants are not more important than my boundaries.
To start with - Christmas. My family has always opened family presents on Christmas Eve at my grandma's house with my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And as we got older it wasn't really about the presents, it was more of a family get together and we'd all open a couple presents and then open the rest when we got home.
Then Christmas morning we'd open presents from Santa with our immediate families before going back to grandmas for a late lunch with the family. But the lunch is more optional b/c everyone recognizes that people have other family & obligations.
So the Christmas Eve thing is really the important one. DHs family opens everything Christmas morning and then spends all day at his parents house, but MIL still wants everyone to come over Christmas Eve too.
In past years DH and I would try to spend Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his. But without fail, MIL would ask us to stop by to "pick up gifts" (why? We'd see them the next day) or some other lame excuse. And then she'd give us a hard time when I said we needed to go to my grandma's.
I told DH that this year I'm not going to MILs for Christmas Eve. I'm not letting her cut into my family's time. And then starting next year when LO is here, we are going to spend Christmas morning by ourselves. We can still do Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Dinner with his family.
We've also been struggling/arguing a lot about my birth plan. His mom wants to be in the room when LO is born and then wants to come stay at our apartment for "a while" to help us out. I told DH none of that is happening.
As of right now, the only person I want in the room is DH. If I change my mind and want someone else, it'll be my mom. When he asked why I didn't want his mom, I asked him if he'd want my dad watching trying to push a watermelon out of his ass. He didn't find that as funny as I did but I think it made the point.
When baby goes home, I don't want anyone visiting for the first week but we can re-evaluate depending on how I feel. And as of now, I don't want anyone staying (we don't live to far from our respective families) - but if I change my mind it's going to be my mom first and then we can see about his mom staying but that would depend on whether she's following our lead.
It was a much longer and more difficult conversation than it should have been. DH really thinks his mom is the main character and should get priority. Christmas Eve was a mixed bag - we did end up going to MILs around mid-afternoon but I said we had to leave by 5 so we could get to my grandmas and spend sometime with my family before dinner.
MIL tried to get us to eat with them and then got upset when I said no. At 5 I said it was time to go and she started guilting DH and trying to tell me we could stay a little bit longer, etc. I said no, we'd see them tomorrow so tonight was time for my family.
It'd was much more difficult to leave than it should have been but I stuck to my guns and we ended up leaving by 5:15. Christmas Day MIL was still upset and didn't talk to me much. But apparently she really gave DH a hard time and it sounds like he threw me under the bus.
After Christmas, things were pretty tense between me and DH. For New Years he went to his family and I went to mine. His family was having a whole party and was going to stay up to ring in the New Year.
Being preggo, I just wanted something quiet and relaxing. But since MIL asked, he had to go. When I said I wasn't even going to make an appearance DH got all stressed out about what MIL would say.
She did end up texting both me and DH on a group text saying how disappointed and angry she was that I would disrespect her like that. I left her on read and haven't talked to her since.
The next conversation I have with her will be about the birthing plan, so that should be fun. I may chicken out and invite both our sets of parents to go to lunch somewhere and tell everyone the plan all at once. Even if DH won't have my back, I know my mom and dad will.
I'm not sure what's going to happen with DH and I. I'll be honest, I'm not very happy with him right now. But I also know that changing a lifetime of behavior doesn't happen overnight. But we have 7 weeks to get on the same page.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
There are going to be growing pains, but it sounds like you're making good progress. Your MIL is honestly pissing me tf off acting like your life must revolve around her wants and like your family doesn't matter. I would've responded to that New Years text in a very unkind way.
First of all I pray for your safe delivery and continued strength for what you are dealing with. Some MIL’s are just mentally exhausting honestly. If your husband is not on your side on all of this, then do you really need him in your team?
You’ve also got to see that your mil spent your husband’s entire life programming him to cater to her first. Some therapy, individual and couples, I think you’ll see the changes he wants to make as well, for you and the family you are building.
When you married you became his nuclear family, mil is extended. It boggles me how some people cannot handle knowing this and try to hold onto their children as tight as possible.
I'm so on board with your parents being present. It's efficient and makes sure your parents are there to advocate and also puts DH in the position of being torn between looking like terrible in front of his in laws or supporting his wife in spite of whatever his mom tries to pull.
You're doing good. You've told DH the expectations of what you will and won't do. You've made fair plans so both families get time with you and DH. Surely DH sees his mother is being unreasonable by requesting so much. I don't see MIL giving up though.
The fact she thought you not going to her NYE party was disrespectful even though DH went and (I assume) that's all she really wants. As if you can't make choices of where you'd want to go and hang out. Grandma's for Christmas Eve sounds so relaxing and chill. Your family seems respectful of your time as adults. It's sad that DH still thinks he has to cater to his mother.