'Boyfriend expects the next step in our relationship to be me joining his ex wife for family events. AITA?'

"Boyfriend expects the next step in our relationship to be me joining his ex wife for family events. AITA?"

I’ve been dating a man for a year. We are both 41 years old. He has a very close relationship with his ex wife who is also the mother to his two adult children. Sons aged 19 and 22. The 19 year old lives with him still, but for all intents and purposes the bulk of their required co-parenting is over as the children are grown.

But he considers his ex-wife’s family his family (after knowing them for 20+ years) which means spending all major holidays together and also birthdays and even casual get togethers like an impromptu barbecue. It’s a lot of contact with his ex wife and her family in my opinion.

I brought up that I was interested to know where he sees our relationship going because we have been dating for a year now. And he says he actually just talked to his ex and asked if it would be okay to bring me to family events and she said that’s fine. I can’t imagine me joining the family of my boyfriend’s ex-wife for every holiday going forward.

I have a small child (7 yr old daughter) and want something with him that isn’t based primarily around the family of his ex. Additionally, the ex wife says she’s okay with me coming around, but they have also had major fights about how he does things for me that he never did for her when they were together.

The things she brought up as examples are not even big things. He bought me a necklace for valentines and supposedly never bought her a valentines gift, but he said that could be true mostly because her birthday is February 13th and he would just buy a large gift (like a designer purse costing $1000+) and call it good for both birthday and valentines.

I also had to step aside on valentines because it fell on a Saturday this year which meant they were celebrating her birthday with their mutual friends. I don’t know how I can explain better to him that I feel like a third wheel and, while I will never be the mother of his children, I deserve to be a priority if he wants to continue in this relationship like he says he does.

Neither of them have had a serious long term relationship since they separated over 11 years ago and they both think this sister-wife setup would be completely okay with most rational adults.I know the exact feeling the ex wife is having of “why are you doing x, y and z for this new woman when you wouldn’t do it for me.”

Only for me, the things are a little more significant like refusing to get a job and contribute to the family. I could never have embraced that woman who came after me and don’t really feel like my boyfriend’s ex could honestly embrace me into her family even if I wanted that.

He says it sounds like I’ve made up my mind to end the relationship over this which I don’t think is fair. I think it’s not unreasonable to expect some change with a new relationship. I’m not asking him to forget everyone and never look back, I’m just asking for equal time and priority (which my sister thinks is really setting the bar too low.)

Open to feedback.

Edit to say valentines was on FRIDAY not SATURDAY…but I still did not get a Valentine’s date on Fri the 14th, Saturday the 15th…or any other day this year.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Difficult-Bus-2026 wrote:

Not wrong. It seems like he's still married to his ex, more or less. Why did they even divorce? Very weird.

OP responded:

Exactly. I felt this way when my ex got with someone immediately after me and did things for her that he wouldn’t do for me (like get a job and contribute to the bills.) But now (4 years later) I don’t care.

All I care about is what kind of parent can he be for our daughter.

In fact, I hope he finds a healthy relationship because our daughter would eventually be brought into that relationship with them.

stv688 wrote:

I have no problem with having exes around and still interacting, sharing people in common, whether that be still connected to her family or a friend circle. I think this situation as excessive as f.

OP responded:

That’s where I am at. It’s not a jealousy thing.

Idk if you read my comment, but I spend (limited) time with my daughter and her father together so I don’t think contact with an ex should be forbidden. My parents hated eachother and I would not want that for my daughter.

Resident_Fudge_7270 wrote:

How did you let this go on for a year?

OP responded:

I know. I feel foolish and sad. Yesterday (Sunday) was my birthday which also didn’t go great. 🫠

I added a comment to explain and provide more context about why I had been open to this.

rekaviles wrote:

After a certain age, any relationship you start will be with someone who is divorced or with children from another relationship. I feel a year is a good amount of time to get a feel for the dynamic of the relationship and a good amount of time to start planning on how to move forward.

A year is only 1 Christmas holiday, maybe the first time the ex wife is seeing him with someone serious for the first time since they broke up. It's the start of change from all perspectives and when there are kids involved, you can't just flick a switch and make all the changes.

I am siding with OP and it might be a good idea to move on but I can also see how "habits" are hard to break. If the husband doesn't have family of his own and depends on the ex's family for that support (or to give the kids that sense of togetherness while still being divorced. It will take more than a year to distance himself from that.

Maybe he's taking too long and right now it seems like it will never happen but that transition is only starting. It also says a lot that after a year, they just had the conversation of OP being invited to family events - meaning that transition will take a few years.

OP responded:

Thank you for your level-headed response. He has family here locally, but just always connected more with her family and doesn’t want to lose that connection. He cried real tears at the thought of not being allowed to see her nieces and nephews anymore. This was a fight he had with her. Not me trying to stop him from seeing anyone.

I do think his ex started to get more upset with the situation as she started to realize it was lasting longer and getting more serious than any of his prior relationships. She started out supportive saying I was good for him and that she wanted him to be happy, but that morphed into “why couldn’t you do x, y and z for me”. To be clear he still does A LOT for her. More than he does for me hands down.

If she called right now with a flat tire, he would be on his way. And I was (and still am) attracted to his dedication and loyalty to taking care of those he cares about. Him helping her is not an issue, I just can’t always play second fiddle forever.

And yes- we intentionally took things slow. I’ve rushed things in the past. Idk that this worked out any better. Maybe we could have sped this up and called it a wrap eight months ago.

I don’t expect change tomorrow. I just want to know we are both invested in finding a solution that takes everyone’s feelings into consideration. I just can’t slide in and fit myself into my boyfriend’s ex wife’s family as an adopted aunt or whatever. Especially when she’s displaying some jealousy towards the relationship I have with her ex husband.

observefirst13 wrote:

What was your reaction to him saying he wants you to join his ex wife's family?

OP responded:

I reminded him that she’s got into huge fights with him about small things he’s done for me- like buying me a necklace for Valentine’s Day and told him that I’m concerned I would be walking into a hostile environment. They fight quite a bit despite being best friends. And that I was not expecting the next step in our relationship to be me spending lots of social time with his ex wife and her family.

To which he repeatedly responded “but what you’re not getting is that they are basically my family and she’s the mother of my children - not just my ex wife.” I do understand those things and am open to a normal (or maybe even more than normal based on these comments- lol) amount of contact with them, but that me joining the blended family isn’t what I was expecting.

I laid out from the very beginning that I have a small child and he’s pretty much done raising kids and he said he was happy to take on that role in her life if we became serious. He didn’t mention up front that I would need to be willing to assimilate into his ex wife’s family if we became serious.

Staceyrt wrote:

You are NTA! He spent Valentines with her and her friends? He wants you to be cool with being a plus one at her family’s events? There’s no d#$k that good! Please run from this man like your panties are on fire!

Laperrita wrote:

They only divorced on paper. They’re still married emotionally. You deserve so much better than this. Please. Heed my advice: protect your heart and save your effort and time for someone who is actually ready to move on into their next chapter. This isn’t going to improve on their end. This will only improve when you politely excuse yourself from the triangle to which you never consented.

Commontaytor wrote:

Oh boy. So, ex-wife gets dibs on all holidays and he’s unwilling to change this, so you and your little girl can’t ever make new traditions, unless of course you want to make those traditions alone. Even if his family and ex are the most beautiful welcoming kind people on the planet, every holiday is going to be awkward. You’ve wasted a year on this man and it’s time to move on.