'My boyfriend of 3 years found out that his ex is engaged and literally won't stop crying.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My boyfriend of 3 years found out that his ex is engaged and literally won't stop crying."
I (22F) met my boyfriend (24M) 3 years ago, through some mutual friends. He was pretty guarded, and I was the one that pursued him. We were long distance (I was living in Oregon, he was living in Washington) until I moved in with him last year.
My boyfriend has only had one other relationship and a hookup before me. He stopped talking to the hookup a long time ago because she was crazy, but he kept in touch with his ex until she cut contact with him around 2 years ago.
They dated when he was 15 and it lasted for around 2 years, and then she dumped him because "he had no self-respect." Apparently she's the reason why my boyfriend is so guarded now.
I'll admit that I was really jealous of her and was glad when she cut contact with him, because she's beautiful and my boyfriend talked about her as if she had all of life's answers.
This past January I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard my boyfriend crying quietly. I could tell that he was looking at his phone, and I wasn't sure whether or not to say anything since I wasn't sure if he just wanted a private moment or not.
After a while he got up to go to the bathroom, so I took a peek at his phone. He was on Facebook, looking at his ex's profile. She had gotten engaged and there were pictures of the ring and everything.
It's been 2 months now, and my boyfriend has been breaking down out of nowhere. I keep asking him to talk to me about it, but he won't. I told him to talk to a therapist, and he got really insulted and said that he doesn't believe in therapy.
I'm unsure of what to do, since this happens at least twice a week. I love him, but he's always seemed a bit distant to me and obviously this woman is the reason why. Should I contact her and ask her if she has any insight? I'm starting to think that she must have said something to upset him like this, because he didn't seem that bothered when his ex was dating other people.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Right...okay. No, don't contact her. Her job is finished; if her ex still has problems with their relationship, thats HIS issue. Now you, missy, do not play miss fix it here. You can't fix the fact that your boyfriend is actually still in love with another woman. You can be the most perfect woman on earth but while he still has her as his dream woman, you don't have a train wreck.
Honestly, and as hard as this may be, I'd talk to him about it again. And then, if there is no resolution, I'd consider moving on. You deserve someone who thinks YOU are the best woman on earth, not some distant ex from his high school years. Good luck, OP. And big hugs. This sucks.
boyfriendisawreck (OP)
I was insecure about my boyfriend's relationship with his ex from the start. They didn't talk that often, but they'd catch up once every few months through Skype or something. She lives on the east coast, and when Hurricane Sandy hit he called her, texted her and messaged her on Skype despite her having cut off contact with him prior to that. I didn't even know that he still had her phone number.
Is this relationship hopeless? I knew that he still had a bit of a thing for her, but I didn't know the extent of it until now. If he can't move on after all this time, I don't understand why he got into a relationship with me.
Sometimes we think we are more emotionally available than we actually are. And...I want you to know this...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I find this happens with people who run away from their feelings and don't process grief; it alls comes backs and bites them in the bum. Big time. He probably didn't know it at the time when he got with you that he was like this and now its just spiralled out of his control.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
It's over, I think. I called my dad and asked him to help me move back home. These last two days have been really emotional. My boyfriend was gone ALL DAY yesterday- he was gone when I woke up (that's fine, I assumed he went to work early) but he still wasn't home when I went to bed.
I texted him once when I woke up to say good morning, and twice at night- one asking if he was coming home for dinner, and another asking if he was alright. I also tried calling his cell, but he didn't pick up.
I thought that I deserved some answers, so I decided to snoop- something that I've done once before, when I was feeling insecure about his relationship with his ex. Well, on his laptop hidden in a bunch of sub-folders was an MS document with his ex's name.
I read it, and I'm assuming that he just saved the last conversation that he had with her, right before she cut contact with him. It started out normally, but then he asked how her relationship with her (now fiance) boyfriend was going.
She said that it was good, and that she was happy. And then it got weird, because he said something like "really? Are you sure?" She said yes and said that was a weird question, and he said "I don't know, I don't believe that you're that happy."
I don't remember everything exactly because my head was spinning, but he basically told her that her fiance (then boyfriend) will never treat her as well as he did, and that they've known each other X number of years and managed to stay friends after their breakup, that they've helped each other grow as people and that she should really give him another chance.
He said that he's waited for her all these years and that he loves her and always believed they'd wind up together. This was all while he was with me! She called him an AH and told him that he had a lot of balls to say all that to her when she told him a long time ago that they're only ever going to be friends.
She said that he's an even bigger AH for doing this while they were both in relationships. She told him to go to hell and to break up with me for my sake, because I deserve better.
That's not even the worst part.
My boyfriend woke me up this morning by calling my cell, and telling me to come to the kitchen. He said that he made breakfast. So I go to the kitchen getting ready for a fight (he and I NEVER fight, but I am so goddamned hurt) and he made what honestly looked like an amazing breakfast...with a ring box in the middle of the table. He told me to open it. I did.
He said something like these last 3 years with me has been an adventure and he hopes to keep making new adventures with me. I guess around this time I snap out of whatever haze I've been in and I exploded.
I demanded to know where he was all day yesterday, why he wouldn't contact me, why he's been crying over his ex for the last 3 months, everything. He got mad at me for being mad!
He told me that I should be happy because he was proposing, and wasn't that what I wanted? I asked him why, when it's so obvious that he'd rather be with his ex. He told me that she's obviously moved on so it's time for him to move on too.
I've never been so angry in my life. I've been so incredibly patient with this man and done my best to be understanding of his situation. I've literally given him all that I had, but I'm not going to get married to him just to be his consolation prize.
It's so ironic because had he proposed 4+ months earlier, I would have been ecstatic. Now it just broke our relationship. So yeah...I called my dad (crying) and he's on his way to help me move back in with him and my mom.
That's it. I'm a wreck, but I think it's just because everything wrong and twisted in this relationship is hitting me and it took so long for me to understand. And my ex is just sitting on the couch with his laptop.
Thank you guys so much for helping me see how unfair this whole relationship was. I read every one of your comments, even if I didn't get a chance to respond to them all.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I am happy that you are taking care of yourself and being strong. Please prepare yourself for the next couple months, 6 months, possibly a year. You will have weak moments where you want to contact him... Don't.
Find a friend, someone you can count on to talk you through everything. My best friend, bless her soul, had to talk me through the WHOLE thing everyday for a month. Saying the same thing, over and over.
You have absolutely made the right choice to end this! He only proposed to you to make his ex-girlfriend jealous -- his proposal was just a reaction to hers, and likely some stupid, desperate gambit that he made in the hopes that she'd come running back afterwards.
And you know what? You deserve far better than what this emotional moron has given you! You should never, ever settle for a man who doesn't completely and fully love you and respect you! You are NO MAN'S second choice!
boyfriendisawreck (OP)
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I'm on my way home as I type this! And honestly, the further away that I am from him, the better I'm feeling. As I was getting the last of my stuff, my ex told me that I'm going to regret this. I don't know if he was always a jerk and I didn't see it, or what.
Holy hell did he have balls to propose to you AND acknowledge that you were second best to him. Woooooooooow. Good for you for leaving him. Now you can find someone that treats you like a queen and not a commodity.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
First, I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post. I really took your comments to heart and all of the support means the world to me. I took a break from Reddit but logged in today to find a few PMs asking for another update, so here goes.
My ex went more or less crazy after I moved back home. I blocked him from essentially everything, changed all of my passwords and deactivated my Facebook, so he had no way of reaching me aside from literally driving to my parents' house to see me.
Apparently he started sending messages to my friends (some of them are mutual friends) asking to use their Skype accounts to talk to me- he told them that I stole some things from him when I moved out, and he wanted them back.
I got a few phone calls from my friends asking me about this- they told me that they knew that I didn't steal anything from him because that's not like me at all, but they wanted to know why he was so desperate to contact me.
I wasn't ready to tell the whole story- honestly, I didn't think anyone would believe me- so I told them that I didn't know what was going on, but asked them to not give them their Skype accounts by any means.
A few days after that, the phone calls started. All from a few different numbers that I didn't recognize. I didn't pick any of them up, but one day I'd have about 20 missed calls from one number, then another 20+ from a different number.
I had to set my phone to only allow calls from specific numbers, otherwise it would go straight to my voicemail. Even if he couldn't reach me, he succeeded in making me feel pretty isolated.
After the 5th day of the phone calls, I broke down and told my mom everything that happened. She didn't say much, she mostly let me talk. Afterwards she told me that I made the right decision but that there's absolutely no reason why I should be going through this alone.
She said that she didn't want to push me to tell her what happened until I was ready, but that the best thing that I could be doing right now is spending time with people that love and support me.
So after going with me to get my phone number changed, she encouraged me to start calling my friends and telling them what happened, and to just hang out with them more in general.
I had it stuck in my head that everyone would side with my ex and tell me that I made a terrible mistake, that his intentions were good and I blew things out of proportion by insinuating that he only proposed because his ex-girlfriend got engaged. But I was actually overwhelmed by my friends' responses.
Apparently my ex had been telling everyone that we broke up because I had major jealousy issues over his ex, but once they heard my side of the story, I was actually shocked by how many of them said that it made sense.
They've all told me that I've done the right thing and that they'd back me up no matter what. I just felt this huge sense of relief and have been making an effort to go out more.
I will be honest, though. There are times where I wonder if I was wrong. Sometimes I think that maybe my ex had been grieving over his old relationship and proposing to me was his way of starting over.
Sometimes I think that I turned down the only marriage proposal that I'll ever get. And sometimes I think that maybe I should have accepted, because I loved him and you don't often find people that you truly love.
But then on the days that I'm feeling wiser, I remind myself of how bizarre our last few weeks together were, how I always knew deep down that I was second best for him...and how he's been behaving since we broke up. I've never seen him so unstable.
He was always so calm and logical, so this is completely new to me. I know deep down that I did the right thing, but sometimes what you know in your head and feel in your heart are so completely different.
So, that's basically it. I'm just going through the motions and I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist. I wish that I had something more profound to update you guys with, some added wisdom, but I don't. My best advice for anyone going through something similar is what my mom told me- surround yourself with people that love and support you.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
OP, thank you for the update. I wish you the very best. You made the right decision. The next few weeks it'll start to slowly hit you in waves. Be brave. You can get through this. You'll be much better at the end of it. Please do not make compromises about your needs -- you deserve the very best person for you.
Telling people you're a thief? That's messed up. He is not a good person.
"Sometimes I think that I turned down the only marriage proposal that I'll ever get."
Even if this turns out to be true, it will STILL have been the right decision.
Three months later, the OP returned with their final update.
I just wanted to update you guys on some things that have happened. I also wanted to apologize for not responding to any of the comments in my last post- I wasn't in a great place at the time, and wasn't feeling up to it. But I did read each of your responses and I truly appreciate those who took the time to comment.
First, my ex mailed me the engagement ring that he bought shortly after my last update. I didn't know what to do with it- I wasn't sure if the ring was what he had been claiming that I stole.
I also felt weird about mailing it back, because what if he claimed that he never got it? So my dad volunteered to personally deliver the ring back to him. I don't know if anything was said when my dad brought it back, and I never asked.
Second, I heard from some friends that two weeks ago, my ex bought a ticket and flew to NYC to try and talk to his ex. Somehow he found out the name of the company that she worked for, looked up its location and waited in front of the building all day.
I have no idea what happened, but apparently there aren't any signs of her coming back, so I'm assuming that it didn't go very well. I can't believe that he did that. And I can't believe that I dated someone that was that crazy for 3 years! But I suppose it helps every time that I hear about something like this, because it reinforces the fact that I did the right thing.
I met with two therapists. I wasn't a huge fan of the first one. Every time that I said something, he'd ask "and how do you feel about that?" No feedback or suggestions whatsoever.
At the end he suggested that I was depressed and might want to consider a few different medications. I don't intend on seeing that guy again. I met the second one last week though, and I liked her a lot. She told me that she doesn't think that I need to see her regularly but to feel free to make appointments whenever I'm feeling especially down or stressed, so I think I'll do that.
A few people asked why I wanted to see a therapist in my last post because I seemed to be doing the right things. Well, the problem was that even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I didn't necessarily feel that they were right.
I still doubted myself and I felt like a different person than I used to be. Prior to this mess I was always very optimistic and happy in general. I always tried to make the best of things. But at the time of my last post, I felt down and even though I was making an effort to see friends, I wasn't really enjoying it.
Anyway, this brings me to where I am now. I started a paid internship (with the chance of getting hired full-time) almost a month ago, and I love it. I love the people, the work itself and the fact that I'm getting back into a routine. And I'm a little embarrassed to say that I'm attracted to the guy that hired me, who's about my age.
There's nothing going on, and I'm definitely not ready or willing to be in a relationship. It's simply the fact that he is the nicest, best-mannered person that I've ever met. He's always positive, polite and smiling, so it's impossible not to be in a good mood around him.
So it's not that I think my next relationship should be with him, or that I have feelings for him. It's just that I've realized that the type of person that I should be looking for is someone that makes me feel good, just by being around them.
I don't give much thought to my ex anymore. It's amazing how much life changes over the course of a few months, but I think that everything is turning out for the best.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
…wow what a creep. i don’t know who i feel worse for, oop or the exgf he was using her to get to.
Let’s also remember he went that crazy over a high school ex. High school. Not even someone that he built a life with. Someone that he’d have to go a while without seeing if he got grounded. No shared bills. Nothing. This was his ideal. I’ve heard of people being stuck in high school and never growing up but wow.
The boyfriend and ex broke up at 17. And it’s 7 years later. Dude needs some serious therapy.