'My boyfriend pretended to be single in front of other girls while I was standing right there.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My boyfriend pretended to be single in front of other girls while I was standing right there. Is this grounds to break up immediately or should I give him a chance to explain himself?"
Our first year anniversary is in two weeks. We went out last night to a birthday party of our mutual friend's. He got pretty tipsy but not wasted; I didn't drink since I was driving us home. At some point in the night I went to go get water and when I came back, there was a crush of people in the room so I was standing directly behind him, trying to get through.
He was talking to some girl and I heard her ask, "So is that girl you came in with your girlfriend?" And he distinctly said after some hesitation, "No, she's just my roommate haha." I got really pissed off but didn't say anything, just came up to stand next to him.
I didn't want to make a scene at my friend's birthday party, but he was going to get an earful when we left. He didn't even notice me for a few seconds and said something like, "You're so pretty," to the other girl. She noticed me glaring at him and left.
I was so pissed off at him that I just decided to walk away and talk to my friends the rest of the night. Probably a mistake of not addressing it right there at the time but I wanted to avoid a big scene if I could.
I tried to enjoy myself. My friend, the host of the party, came up to me and asked me if my boyfriend and I had broken up and she didn't know, because she had heard him telling somebody that he was single.
After that, I just decided to go home. I was really mad. He could find a ride or crash at our friend's place (she said it would be okay because tons of people were crashing in the living room already). I went home without saying a word to him.
This morning I woke up to all of these texts and calls from him really pissed that I ditched him at the party without a ride or without warning. He demanded to know in an accusing voice "where I had disappeared off to," as if I was the one up to some shady stuff.
I'm just angry and confused because this is coming out of nowhere for me. We have a great relationship and have never had a fight. He tells me all the time that he's so happy we're together and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and that he wants to be with me forever.
And now pretending I'm not his girlfriend? Claiming he's single? Flirting with other girls right in front of me? He has never done anything like that before and hasn't even looked at other girls...
I don't drink, so is this just dumb "drunken behavior" that I should excuse? Should I give him a chance to explain himself or just end things now? I'm so pissed off and feel so disrespected.
I can't even think of what reason he could give that would somehow make what he did okay in my eyes. But I'm willing to listen to anyone's perspective or other angles on the situation.
UPDATE: I texted him, "You made it clear last night that you are single. I don't wait around for ex-boyfriends to give them rides home. Don't bother coming back here" as suggested. He immediately tried to call me and I didn't pick up. Then he texted, "Wtf are you talking about???"
How could he not know? My friend (the host) even just texted me and told him she'd given him an earful all morning when he woke up for being such a d-bag to me. He denied everything and said he has no idea what she's talking about.
They got into a fight about it because he stuck to his guns and claims he never said any of that stuff. I have a feeling he's going to pretend he doesn't remember or blacked out as a way to get out of this.
He said he's getting a ride back to my place now. I'm considering not answering the door, but what if he really doesn't remember...? I kind of don't care, though. :/ He's coming here now, what do I do?!
UPDATE 2: He's almost here. My friend told me to talk to him "just to hear the complete load of garbage he's going to unleash on you. Dump him girl, I would"--and she's known him for longer than she's known me! I'm not going to answer the door. Thanks, all.
UPDATE 3: I know most of you will be disappointed to hear this, but I decided to give him another chance...Just kidding. I only kid because I'm still bawling my eyes out. I did decide to answer the door and hear what he had to say, if only to try to understand his reasons behind it (not as a way to forgive him, but to fully understand why).
At first he denied it and said that none of it ever happened, and that my friend was lying to me because she was jealous of us and had always "wanted him" (she has a boyfriend of three years). He said he had no idea what she was talking about or why I was so mad at him.
I just said, "I heard you say it, too." He said, "Say what???" But then he just saw the look on my face and crumbled. He said that prior to us dating, he had never gotten attention from girls before and it went to his head when it happened last night.
He said that he'd always felt "in disbelief" because he believed I was out of his league and it was pure fluke that I'd ever been interested in him. Apparently girls never approached him before we were dating, ever, so when it happened at the party he "didn't know how to react." (!)
He said he "enjoyed the attention for once in his life and just went with it." According to him he wasn't planning on doing anything but just impulsively said whatever to keep the attention coming. He swears up and down that he just enjoyed the ego boost that came from girls being interested in him, but he would never ever cheat on me.
In his mind he thought it was "harmless" because he knew he would never let it go further than feeding his ego, and that if he'd known that I would hear, he never would have done it and risked hurting me.
At this point I started to cry, because to me it was such a STUPID reason to throw away what we had. I know some of you will say that I should forgive him (got a lot of PM's and comments saying "it was just a dumb mistake" and "I say dumb stuff I don't mean when I'm drunk too") but I just can't.
He broke my trust in him and, honestly, he hurt my pride. I want a guy who can handle when some other girl shows interest in him with maturity and respect... a guy who loves me so much that he would never dream of leading a girl on for attention because I feel like my attention should be enough... Someone who's proud to point at me and say "Sorry, I'm taken and she's a great girl" with no regrets.
I told him that I thought it was a really stupid reason to damage our relationship (being insecure and an attention-wh0r=3) and I guess it must have sunk in that I was planning to leave him. He broke down crying too and begged me to please try to forgive him because it was a stupid drunken mistake.
It was so hard to stay strong, but I was very angry with him. I cried so hard because he started telling me he loved me more than anyone and he was just stupid, drunk, and inexperienced and he wished he could take it all back because it wasn't worth losing me.
I said I was glad he realized his mistake, but if he really "loved me more than anyone" than he really needed a better way to show it than pretending I don't exist to other pretty girls. He got hysterical and just started saying, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I can't lose you! Please forgive me!"
I told him that I thought his actions last night were honestly pathetic and disgusting and they changed my view of him. I told him it was sad that he would throw himself after a girl and lie just to get a few minutes of attention and that I didn't think it was a good excuse to say "that never happened to me before so I didn't know how to handle" or "I was just innocently enjoying the attention."
What would happen next time? How could I trust him to act appropriately and control himself? He said that "he'd learned from this" and he'd do better next time but honestly I just couldn't get over it.
He made me feel worthless as his girlfriend and something he had to hide to get the attention of other women because my attention wasn't adequate. I know that isn't necessarily true but that's just how he made me feel. I also told him he'd lowered himself in my eyes and I didn't respect him anymore.
So I told him to get out and not talk to me anymore. I'm leaving a box of his stuff on the porch so he can get it without talking to me. Then I laid my couch and cried with my dog until I felt sick. It shouldn't feel this bad because I'm still really mad at him.
But we had an amazing year together and it sucks that something so small and stupid could cause him to jeopardize that. I don't want to be with a guy who values our relationship so little.
I feel better today. It sucks not being in a relationship anymore but I feel like I deserve better. He's been blowing up my phone saying he's been at home crying and he loves me so much. I'm just waiting for him to pick up his stuff so I can block his number.
My best friend also just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years, so we're planning a road trip together to take our mind off things. I wasn't able to go before because I didn't want to make my boyfriend uncomfortable (go figure).
But this weekend I'm going to go hang out with my bestie and swim at the beach and forget things. Thanks for the support, Reddit. You helped me stay clear-headed. I have a lot of hate and bitterness in my heart right now but I'm hoping that will pass.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
A chance to explain what, exactly? There is no valid explanation for what he did, period. "When people show you who they are, believe them." Break up. Then go "no contact". Then start dating someone who is proud to be with you - not someone who lies about not being with you.
dumpordiscuss (OP)
This is what hurts me most, I think... Not just trying to get with other girls, but acting like I'm something to be ashamed of or hide, like he's not proud to be with me. That really hurts...
I can't imagine anything that he can say to you that will justify his actions. Don't let him complain about you leaving him at the party, he deserved it. Most likely he will just say he was drunk and didn't mean it, or "it was a joke". Don't buy into either of these BS excuses.
dumpordiscuss (OP)
This is what I'm most afraid of. I don't drink so I'm afraid he'll say something like "You don't know what it's like when you get drunk, dumb stuff just falls out of your mouth and you can't control it" or etc. etc.
I don't really have a basis to dispute it because I have no idea what it's like when you do get drunk, so I can't be like "No, that's not what happens when a person feels drunk, you have no excuse."
Honestly it seems as if he was saying he's single to garner attention from other women, which is shady. I believe that's building a platform for more lies and deceptions on his part. Get out now while you're ahead.
It was right of you to leave the situation to think it over and you seem to be very responsible about this. Listen to what he has to say, but don't be manipulated. He's hiding you from people, and that does not make for a healthy relationship ever.