'AITA for asking my boyfriend to leave after he showed up to my hotel during my business trip?'
"AITA for asking my boyfriend to leave after he showed up to my hotel during my business trip?"
I (F37) work for a company that recently closed a very important deal after it got stuck for a variety of reasons (investors, the pandemic, having to update all the data based on the present reality).
I was recruited 7 years ago and didn't grow professionally the way that I wanted until I had the opportunity to work a new position. I literally worked my ass off for this and invested in getting new skills to get the qualifications. l also really love my job and have been making very good money, which is enough to have peace of mind and plan for my future.
My job doesn't require regular traveling, but me and my team and I have had 3 business trips in the past 2 years. It's usually the same people in my team, except this last time when our supervisor joined us for a conference. The trip both served to attend the event and to finalize the details for the company's project.
I made arrangements because I would be away for 4 days. I had a private bedroom (important to the situation that ensued) and would report early in the morning. My work day usually ends by 8 o'clock considering all 4 o'clock meetings extended for hours.
I'm a very private person, so I usually complete my day and go hole up in my room ( because the hot tub was the highlight of my day). I would then catch up with my boyfriend and my family and hit the bed until early in the morning.
So we attended the conference. The head of our division was a speaker. On the night before the last, my team was invited to dinner at a sushi restaurant inside the hotel.
My boyfriend of 10 months ( Pete M41) started texting. I said I was having dinner. He said okay but kept texting and asking when I would be done. I explained that I didn't know. He said that was weird, that no business dinner extended for so long.
We got there at 7 PM, but everyone was still chatting and eating 2 hours later. So he called, I briefly picked up, and when he heard noise in the background, he got irritated and asked if I went to work or to hang out. It was a brief and uncomfortable chat, so he kept texting after we hung up. I texted when I was about to go to sleep, and that was the end of my night.
The next day, me and my team and I went to the project site, got back late in the afternoon, and were scheduled to attend the closing event. I talked to my boyfriend, and everything seemed normal.
At no point did he say he was on his way to my hotel. He called me a few hours later. He said he drove all the way to come stay with me and that he was at the parking lot. I was livid.
I didn't feel happy at all. I asked him why he didn't say he was coming, and he said I wouldn't be irritated if I wasn't doing anything bad. He said that I had a room to myself, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
I went to the parking lot. His face was off. All I could think of was that he would make a scene, embarrass me, and hurt my reputation. He said he was sure my colleagues brought their families. My colleagues' arrangements with their families are none of my business.
All I wanted was to get to my room and enjoy my solitude at the end of the day, and he knows this. He insisted, and I said he was being forceful. He said his feelings were hurt, but I was so put off and felt so manipulated that I asked him to leave.
He said if he had to drive back, I needed to consider myself instantly single. I said okay and turned him away. Initially l, he refused to leave and said that I had just made him feel like the loneliest man on the planet.
My mind was elsewhere during the last of the conference and I tried not to cry. He sent me at least 10 hostile messages mixed with voicemails about how I wasted an opportunity to spend time together.
I was hoping that he would calm down but after reality hit, I texted him that he doesn't get to interfere with my job and that what he did was a huge red flag and that we are done.
I'm not gonna deny that I feel sad and out of place. I still feel the same way about boundaries, but I often think that I should have handled it differently. AITA for asking him to leave?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
I traveled for business for 20+ years. It is mentally exhausting. And after hours meetings / socializing / networking can run late. I’m not talking about late night BS bar sessions, I’m talking about dinners and face time with clients, vendors, coworkers and higher ups. I rarely got back to my room before 9-10 at night.
Maybe your bf doesn’t get that, but his lack of trust in you is a red flag. Be grateful you learned this about him early and don’t let him gaslight you with “well if you aren’t doing anything wrong you shouldn’t be upset”. NTA.
NTA.
He probably showed up because he thought you were cheating.
Just consider this relationship over. He was clearly being paranoid you were doing something else. There's no room for that behavior in your life, so just get rid of it now while it's broken, it will be easier.
Dudes 41 acting like he’s a scared 21 year old in his first real relationship.
He said if you make him leave then consider yourself single?
And Nothing of Value Was Lost.
NTA as seriously wtf, it's been less than a year and you are literally working. If he had concerns he should discuss them. Not pull antics that are that immature.
My wife used to travel to conferences, make professional presentations, and stay in hotels. I wonder why I never secretly went to the hotel and stalked her then made unfounded accusations against her?
Oh yeah, maybe because we are adults and trust one another? Or maybe because I value my wife's professional career and don't want to interfere. And, conferences and business schmoozing can be damn boring so if I'm not getting paid I have no interest in being there!
Hey OP, if you see this comment: I'm sorry you spent 10 months with that guy, and hopefully there were some good moments. But this whole incident is a relationship-ender. You did the right thing by telling him to get lost.
Take it from me, a somewhat normal guy in a committed relationship, who was in the same situation as your boyfriend: Your ex boyfriend sounds creepy at best, or at worst he wants to ruin your career and he may be dangerous. You can find a more secure man who at least tries to talk about his feelings instead of stalking you.