'AITA for breaking up with my fiancée for not telling her best friend she was engaged?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for breaking up with my fiancée for not telling her best friend she was engaged?"
My now ex-fiancée (30F) and me (M27) got engaged 3 weeks ago. We've been dating for 5 years and I finally got the money to give her the wedding she wanted. Well, 3 days ago we were discussing our guest list, and I asked if she wanted to invite her best friend, let's call him James (M30).
James lives in another state, but since they were friends for 10 years, I thought I could even pay for his travel expenses since it would be great to have her best friend at the wedding.
She denied, saying that it would take a lot of work to bring him, and she wanted it to be a "family" event. Countless times she mentioned that James was like family to her, so I insisted, she got annoyed and said "I didn't even tell him we were engaged."
That took me by surprise, I tried to ask why, but she started stonewalling me, and I left her alone. After a couple of hours, I tried to ask her again why she haven't told him we were engaged, and she still refused to tell me, and I admit, my insecurity got the better of me.
In the past, James had confessed he had feelings for her, which she turned down and basically friendzoned him. But by the way she told me, it always sounded like she had him as a backup, something not only me, but her exe's realized.
She "married" him online, they always made they WoW characters look like a couple (like wearing the same transmog and ____ like that), when she had a fight with her exes, he was "always there for her" and etc.
I told her that made me unconfortable and if she was not planning to tell him, she might as well consider herself single, cause I would not marry someone who coudn't be honest.
Yes, I was pretty immature, but she did something even more immature, she texted him while showing me her phone something like "hey, just so you know, I was engaged, but not anymore" and send it to him. I told her to pack her things and leave my house.
Ever since she left, she has been calling me, but I refused to answer. My mom called me (because she apparently called my mom), and said that I was an asshole for ending things for such a "ridiculous" thing. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
So your ex fiancee didn't want to tell her boyfriend about you. Unless you poly sounds like a great reason to end an engagement.
If you want to confirm that she was cheating, offer to meet up with her for lunch. When you get there, tell her if she wants any chance with you she needs to unlock her phone, and you read all of her messages between him and her on all media. I'm sure you will find more than enough to confirm that leaving is the best choice.
You’ve done well to get rid of one woman who claims to love you but fundamentally doesn’t respect you and believes you should be eat ____ in your relationships.
Sadly, you’ve still got another woman who fits that description - your mother - and it’ll be trickier to get rid of her.
OP responded to to these two comments:
Edit: hey guys, I made some dinner and I think I'm gonna go with u/DoneOver69Position (cool username btw). I'm gonna ask her to meet up and ask to see their messages. And to u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox, I'm already low contact with my mom, but I'm going to make my decisions after I clear everything up. So I'm kinda promising an update.
Here are some of the other top comments:
NTA, there is a reason she won't tell her "best friend" that she plans on getting married. I mean most women think getting married is one of the biggest things in life, and tells everyone she knows. Unless it will put a damper of something. You know boyfriends hate hearing their girlfriend is getting married.
The night I proposed, I am pretty sure that my wife was on the phone before I even heard a "yes" with as many people as she could think to call!
Op do you provide most material things, including the house? (Your post said “my house”). Are you paying down her school or other debt? Don’t let anyone use you financially if their heart isn’t in it too.
Edit: know a man whose wife left him a matter of weeks after she graduated. Guess whose cash put her through college?
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Yes. I pay for the house, bills and her car. She moved in 2 years ago. Other than that, she pays for her own things.
The next day OP came back with this update:
Hey guys, I just got home after talking to my (still) ex-fiancee, and since a lot of people asked for an update, here it is. But, I want to clarify a few things.
As commented on my original post, I pay for the house since I bought it before dating her and I asked her to move in, since it was close to her job. I work from home since I'm in tech, but she had to go to work, that's why I paid for her car, to help her commute (and honestly her salary is ____).
I was her partner, so I didn't see any problem with that. I thought she was the one, despite everything, she is smart, funny, we had chemistry, but I felt betrayed.
To the update.: We met at a coffee shop on the premise we would discuss how to save our relationship, at least, that's what she thought. As soon as we sat down, I asked to see their messages. She got defensive immediately and told me she had deleted everything. I asked to see her phone anyway.
She started to cry, ugly cry, asking me to stop. At that point I had already decided I was not going to be part of the relationship anymore, but damn, I was curious. It took a good 20 minutes for her to hand me her phone, a lot of crying, even a waitress asking her if she was ok.
So I read the messages. There wasn't any cheating like nudes being exchanged, them professing their love for each other, but what I read still stung. There was a lot of ____ talking about me. A LOT. Texts and texts of them saying how terrible of a person I was, criticizing my hobbies (i like video games and pro wrestling) saying I wasn't a real man because of them and stuff like that.
But there where two topics that caught my eye. One where she had told him I was having trouble getting hard and that was frustrating for her. And one where she was complaining about how she didn't want to be "stuck" in our relationship.
Yes, I was having problems in bed... because I was sad because my father had passed away (6 months ago) and the "stuck" thing, I remember telling her that when we got married, IF SHE WANTED she could leave her job, and I would provide for both of us. I don't know if she took this the wrong way, but I guess it was related to that. I honestly don't know.
By the time I gave her the phone back, she was already giving excuses on why she was saying those things to him, how he was like a "therapist" for her, and then she asked me "don't you complaing about me to your friends?" and I simply replied "no, I don't". She started crying again.
I took a pretty deep breath and just said "just give me the ring back" (I didn't had the ring with me, like some suggested). She hesitated a bit, but gave it to me anyway. I stood up and asked her to delete my number and to not bother me anymore.
I called her mom and asked her to pick up her daughter's stuff at my place. Her mom is a good person, I'm just realizing I'm going to miss her as I write this. She understood why I decided to end it, but she didn't asked much, and to be honest, I'm glad she didn't.
As for my mom, I didn't called her, I just blocked her for things unrelated to this post, I just realized she never had my back in anything, I was always trying to save an already failed mom-son relationship.
Before I leave, I just want to clarify. I was never against her having male friends, or any type of friends. People are going to cheat, friends or no friends. I remember my dad saying something to me when I was a teenager, he always said "opportunity makes the thief", but I do not agree with that.
Anyway, since I have the next two weeks off work, I going to figure what to do with the wedding money, drink some booze, play games and watch Monday Night Raw later. Peace.
Edit: a couple of people are asking about the car. Is a 2015 Nissan Versa which she crashed 2 times, both times she rear ended someone. Never liked the car, weak engine, the interior feels cheap and overall bad, so for all I care she can keep that piece of ____. I would have more luck throwing it off a cliff than selling it.
Edit 2: Little update. Her mom called me a few hours ago to check on me and to ask when she could come and pick up ex's stuff. We spoke about the car and she basically "forbid" me to let her daughter keep the car because: 1 - I paid for it. 2 - Ex wouldn't be able to maintain it. So I'm going to keep the car until I'm able to sell it (god help me).
Also, some people called the story fake, cause they said I wasn't a "real man" for playing games, and yet they played WoW. To be honest, that's on me, cause I wasn't very clear.
The "real man" thing was more about the pro wrestling hobby than the gaming hobby, but in some messages they clearly mocked me for playing some games (Life is Strange Series) in one I remember James saying something like "How could a grown ass man play such a girly game and cry?"
Yes, I cried playing Life is Strange. I also cried to RDR2 (the I'm afraid cutscene still makes me emotional). I'm a crybaby I guess.
Also I want to thank everyone who message me to talk about wrestling and games, it really helped me take my mind out of everything. I haven't replied to everyone, but I intend to. If anything happens, I'll let you guys know. Be good people.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
James saying you’re not a real man because you play video games, while simultaneously creating his WoW character to match a girl who smacked him into the friendzone/backup plan option, is galactic levels of cuck fuelled irony
OP you gave your time effort and money to someone who didn’t deserve it. It’s unfortunate but it can happen. Take some time to heal and become the best version of yourself. All the best
Get the car back. It’s yours.
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Honestly, she can keep it, it was a piece of crap anyway.
Find yourself a nice girl who likes WWE and knows the difference between a piledriver and a suplex. Advice from a cranky old lady.
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Everytime I wanted to watch a PLE, she would say things like "you really believe they are fighting. it looks so fake" or she would immediately cheer for a wrestler that I was clearly against. She sided with Rock when he took Cody's spot.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey guys!
It's been a couple of days since I used this account to tell my story, and somethings happened, but this is a positive update.
First I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out in my DM's and commented saying nice things, it felt really good and I appreciate yall, some of you actually made me tear up with your kind messages.
I want to express my gratitude for everyone who gave me advice, told their own story or just told me I was a cool guy, reading your messages before writing this felt amazing. I also want to say I thought about my engagedment a lot, and I have no regrets whatsoever.
Yeah, things ended badly and she was not a good person to me at the end, but I just don't hate her, nor do I wish for her to fail. We had good moments, I felt happy with her and again I really thought she was the one. Felling hatred was going to harm me more than her.
To the update. Her mom came to pick up her stuff and we talked for hours, it felt like therapy. I cried on her shoulders, we laughed, she expressed how much I meant to her family, and that I would be always welcome in her home.
It felt so good to hear her say those things to me. Before she left she asked me if I wanted to ask about my ex, I got curious and asked how she was doing. Her words were "she's trying to act stoic, but I know my daughter, she's not taking this well". I left it at that. She gave me a hug and left.
About the car, I'm going to donate it and get a tax write off. But to the thing I'm excited about, is that I'm going to Royal Rumble, I never even watched Raw or Smackdown live, but now that I have the extra cash, I'm going to treat myself.
Again, thank you all for reaching out, sorry to the people who love drama that this update doesn't have a unwanted pregnancy, a fight, chaos or a plot twist, the truth is that my live is just really really boring. Be kind people.
Here's what people had to say after the OP's second update:
It’s great to hear you’re doing better! Enjoy Royal Rumble and keep taking care of yourself. You deserve some fun after everything.
Your ex realises she had a good thing and blew it by trying to hedge her bets with her "best friend". Her mom knows she blew a good thing too.
This is the best conclusion you could have hoped for, hate-free healing! Good for you OP, all the best and continue on this path of being your own best friend x
I don't understand why she's so upset about ending the relationship when she seemed to hate you in her texts to her friend. Losing her meal ticket? But the she referenced feeling like she was stuck with you and didn't like that. She deserves her misery and it's great it's only her problem now. Good for you for being out of it and being able to move on.
It's a good update just like you said. You seem to be coping well and you know you made the right decision. I'm not a fan of wrestling but respect it. You should do what makes you happy! Wish you the best and stay strong!
Two months later, the OP returned wih a final update.
Hello guys, most of you might not remember me cause my original post was 2 months ago, but something happened that I thought was worthy of an update.
Well since the breakup I tried to be as busy as possible. Go to work, gym, play on my new Switch, on weekends I started modding and repairing old consoles (a hobby that turned out to be quite expensive ngl), I even modded my own Switch (sorry Nintendo). And I was managing to get through the days without feeling sad.
Well, yesterday my exMIL called me to catch up on things, she has been calling me every week or so, and invited me to spend Christmas at her house with her family. I immediately refused, because even if I don't hate my ex, there are other people I would rather spend the holidays with.
But then she said something that kinda made me a bit sad. She said my ex was not going to be there since she was spending her Christmas with James, since they are now "kinda dating" (her words). I replied that I was not sure if I would go.
I'm going to be honest, feelings are complex things. Maybe my pride or ego is hurt, since I feel she moved on really quickly, maybe I still have feelings, I don't know. 2 months is not a long time when it comes to this stuff.
My exMIL noticed my tone changed and said "Look sweetie, it's up to you, if you want to come, you're more than welcome". I thanked her, we said our goodbyes and hung up. I know how reddit usually respond about those things, so I'm giving my insight rn.
My exMIL had no intention of making me sad, she is a really honest person and I do believe she was just explaining that it was ok for me to go, since my ex wouldn't be there.
So yeah, I'm feeling kinda shitty right now, but it will pass, maybe I even change my mind and go spend Christmas with them, exMIL's food is one of the best I ever ate, I wouldn't mind a free plate lol.
And I want to apologize to the people who sent DMs about buying the car, by the time I saw your messages, I already had donated.
That's it. Happy Holidays to everyone!
Here is what readers had to say:
Dude, it hurts like a bitch and there is no way around that, but see it this way... she was already emotionally cheating on you before and you ended it on your terms and way before you married her. She's shown you who she really was. So major bullet dodged there. She's James problem now. Wish you the best and stay strong!
Well keeping a back up plan is exactly that. Take solace in the fact she doesn’t even love this guy cuz if she did she wouldn’t have kept him on the back burner for years but she did….and that guy will now be crazy jealous and worried he is a second best choice (because he is)
Unless you want the drama to continue, you need to pass on going to your ex fiancés family home for Christmas.
I can never wrap my head around people that trash their partners so much like she did. If she felt so negatively why be with you in the first place and why the hell would she accept the proposal?
She’s a horrible person and I hope their relationship is miserable. Maybe he will bad talk her to his friends and she’ll see how it feels. Trash human beings. That bit about grieving your dad and her complaining is just so low. Your hobby sounds pretty cool and fun. I’ve always wished I was more tech literate to do stuff like that.
Ugh that’s tough! I’m so glad you updated. Honestly I understand not wanting to go. MIL sounds like she’s being very kind, however I’d still be cautious. She clearly really likes you and I’m pretty sure her daughter and new bf could have a problem with her inviting her ex over for Christmas (and possibly future events).
While you owe them absolutely nothing, there could be more drama down the line if you do go. (I’ve read too many awful MIL stories on this site that include inviting their child’s ex over for the holidays, so perhaps this is colouring my view somewhat.) Do you have friends to spend the day with, or any family? Wishing you the loveliest holiday season with people you feel loved by and belong to this year.
Visible-Broccoli-381 (OP)
I was navigating this train of thought, I'm almost certain I won't go. I don't want to be those exes described on the posts you mentioned.
Just to address the comments about me dating my exMIL, although they are indeed funny, this woman is like the mother I never had, so please Chill haha