'WIBTA for breaking up with my live-in GF after what she said about my sister and her kids?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for breaking up with my live-in GF after what she said about my sister and her kids?"
I (29M) grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist family. At 15, I left home and moved in with my uncle. I have a little sister (24F) who I made sure to keep in contact with. I always let her know that if she ever wanted to get out from under our family, I would do whatever it takes to help her. I went cross country for college and grad school.
While in grad school, I met my GF (26F) and we have been together 5 years. In July, I got a call from my mentor offering me a job back in my home state. It would be a great opportunity for my career so I took it. The plan was for my GF to move too in November.
In mid-September, I get a call from my sister. She asks me if her and her kids (5F & 4M) can stay with me. I immediately say “yes.” I call my girlfriend on the way and tell her what is going on. She sounds frustrated but is understanding of why I need to get them. In November, my GF moves here. My sister and her kids are still here.
My sister mostly keeps to herself, but I spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew when I am not working. My sister is preparing to take the ACT so she can start at the community college this summer.
After Christmas, one of my GF’s friends came out to visit. I was planning to go with my sister and the kids to see my uncle while my GF and her friend went out for brunch. I ended up not feeling well, so I stayed home and was in our bedroom. They came home and were having a rather loud conversation.
The acoustics in our house are such that you can hear what is happening in the kitchen pretty clearly in our upstairs bedroom. They were making fun of my sister. They were talking about how she dresses, talks, and acts. It went on for quite awhile. The friend asks my GF, “how she puts up with it?” My GF says, “I knew OP likes fixing broken s%^$, I guess that applies to his family too!” They both laughed.
It took everything in me to not march downstairs and end things right there and kick them both out. Her friend left a few days later and I was being distant. She asked what was going on and I told her what I heard. Her face turned pale and she apologized. I told her it didn’t matter because I could not unring that bell and that I am contemplating breaking up.
She starting crying saying how she has sacrificed her life by moving to be with me and left her family, friends, and job. She has no job or anything here and I am being unfair. She said we should be able to work through this. My perspective is I no longer want to be with her if that is truly how she feels about my family. WIBTA if I break up with her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
No partner wants to live with your sister and her kids, no matter how great you think your sister is. You should be grateful that's all she's said.
I’ll preface this by saying that my friends and I are by no means shrews, but sometimes we have to vent. We’re all ADHD and talking out the things in our head is how we process what we’re actually feeling.
Your girlfriend was venting, which I can’t say I blame her. Your sister needs help yes, but you didn’t give your girlfriend much of a choice in the matter, she was so close to moving, she probably couldn’t call it off. She also probably doesn’t want to throw 5 years away with someone she obviously loves (ie moving away, living with sis and 2 kids are things women dont do for men they don’t love).
The question is, are you going to let the venting be the catalyst for breaking up or are you going to actually talk things out with her, come to a real resolution. Sure breaking up is a resolution, but it seems like a bad one given the situation.
Honestly, everyone involved needs therapy, your sister needs therapy to deal with leaving the Baptist sphere (I grew up a fundy baptist, so I feel that pain), your girlfriend could use therapy to properly talk out her feelings with the situation, and you need therapy too.
It is hard pulling that raising out of your soul, and there’s probably still bits of that evangelical nonsense on your head. You and your girlfriend should also do couples counseling too. It doesn’t sound like you all have really discussed the situation and how each other really feels about it.
I feel like it’s just frustration built up and gossiping either a friend with the intention of no one hearing and not hurting anyone is normal. The friend isn’t from there, she’s not gonna go around spreading the gossip. I’ve been frustrated with my in-laws and have talked to my best friend about it.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
I officially broke up with her. I am just going to provide some further context since people made a lot of assumptions:
1. My sister at 18 was effectively forced to marry her husband who was then 29. In our family and that community, women cannot work or have their own money. We were homeschooled, but the education my sister received was not much beyond "homemaking" and basic reading, writing, and math. Because she was expected to stay at home and not do much else.
2. My GF was fully aware of my family situation from early on in our dating. The only other time my sister called me asking to come live with me was a few months into our dating. I got on a plane a day later and came to her house. When I showed up to the house, my dad and BIL were there and my sister dejectedly said she did not want to go.
3. Before I accepted the job, my GF and I had a long discussion about it. One of my motives I told her for wanting to take it was to provide a possible escape route for my sister. She said she was ok with that.
4. My sister called me from a stranger's phone when she called and was clearly upset. Her husband often looks at her phone and tracks her calls. We planned to meet in a public place. I felt there was no time to discuss it beforehand. We planned to meet in a Walmart parking lot and I would take her and the kids to my house, and my family does not know where I live. She abandoned her phone.
5. I bought a house. The down payment was paid by me solely and it is solely on my name. My GF did pick it out among 5 options I was considering.
That is the end of it.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I saw you post this a few days ago. And commenters basically told you that you were being overdramatic and you needed to talk to her and that clearly your instilled religious beliefs are coming thru and you’re stuck in a “all or none” mindset. Must not have been the answers you wanted to hear so you are reposting to try and validate your actions again.
You are completely willing to throw this all away because your gf was venting to a friend, which she’s allowed to do. She didn’t sign up to move across country to live with your sister and her kids for an indefinite amount of time. But here she is. She has sacrificed alot(including quality time with you) and you throw it all away for over hearing her venting to a friend. Wild
That still doesn't make what you have done any better. She was blowing off some steam and you were listening in. She was allowed to be frustrated by the situation.
YTA I’m glad you broke up. What a s^%$%y situation for your gf. Now you can wait to date for a few years until you figure out your sister situation.
Good job. Now she's free to find someone who gives a s^%$ about her.