'AITA for asking a bridesmaid to pay for a bachelorette trip she won’t be attending?'

"AITA for asking a bridesmaid to pay for a bachelorette trip she won’t be attending?"

I (28F) am in a wedding this October. We are traveling to the brides home state for the wedding and traveling within the brides current state for a three day bachelorette trip. Half of the bridesmaids live in the brides current state and the other half live in the state she grew up in. I live in her current state.

So we are all equally having to travel. I have been helping the maid of honor who lives in the brides home state with planning the bachelorette trip. We messaged all of the bridesmaids a few months ago about the cost of AIRBNBS.

We asked everyone if they would be okay splitting the costs without the bride included and even offered an anonymous survey if anyone had financial concerns. Everyone but one agreed on the dates and the cost of the AIRBNB.

The bridesmaid that didn’t agree just informed the bride they were unable to attend. Totally understandable especially since they also had to travel for the wedding. The total is about 330 per person.

The maid of honor sent out a reminder that payment is due by the end of July. No one responded but myself. (Everyone owes 238 to her and me 70). We finally received a response and one confirmed and another stated she has been unable to lock down childcare but still working on it and would pay us regardless because she committed.

The other bridesmaid who is also a close friend of mine never responded to the group chat and I finally had to message her. She informed me she would not be going due to recent damage to her home that has caused financial strain.

(Our state had hail and storms back in May, over a month ago) I let her know I completely understood but that myself and the other bridesmaids would have to cover her portion.

I asked if she could cover at least some of it if she couldn’t pay for the entire balance. She then responded and passively aggressively said “well I didn’t expect this to happen but I’ll take care of it.” I completely understand things happen. Everything is so expensive right now.

We are all struggling. But the lack of communication left me in the dark about what was going on. We could have potentially made other arrangements. AITA for asking her to still pay at least some of her portion?

Let's see what readers had to say:

balckamagi writes:

NTA, idk if I’m going against the grain here but I think once you’ve confirmed you’re going and the accommodations are booked, you’re committed and you owe that money no matter what happened.

You agreed to this and agreed to the cost. Ya it sucks that she had hail storm damage, but it also sucks to expect others to pay for her share.

My theory on this sort of thing is what if this was a hotel room you booked yourself, would you still owe the money? Many airlines/hotels don’t offer cancellation beyond a certain date, especially airbnbs, if she booked it herself, she’d likely still owe the costs either way, especially since this is seemingly last minute.

If they can cancel the Airbnb and find a cheaper, smaller one now that they’re down one person, sure they should do that, but why is it on the other people to act as her free travel insurance because something came up? They aren’t asking her to subsidize their trip, only pay the share she agreed to and they budgeted for when they originally booked it.

This sort of thing is why if I am booking group accommodations, I ask people to pay their share the second I paid the whole price, deposit or full price, whatever I owe on their behalf and wouldn’t be able to get back if we cancelled.

Once someone has confirmed they are coming, they’ve essentially signed a contract agreeing to that cost, it’s on them now to sort it out. I’m happy to help them find a replacement person to take their share if it’s the sort of trip that makes sense for, but I’m not subsidizing them because they bailed last minute or failed to plan, I’m not travel insurance

activeantear writes:

There's so much going on here. This is probably my personal bias, but I'm not a huge fan of these "Three day bachelorette extravaganzas!" That's a ton of financial pressure to put on people.

I also really understand that the bridesmaid in question had some unexpected financial stuff come up. Hail damage can be quite expensive to repair, and obviously that should take priority of the aforementioned "Three day bachelorette extravaganza!"

The only thing that was done "wrong" here was, yes, the bridesmaid should have communicated with you earlier. But who knows? She may have been too overwhelmed.

She may have been hoping she could dig up the money someplace. So I don't think Y T A for asking. But I'm hesitant to come down against the bridesmaid for not wanting to pay. Go easy on her, if you can.

lawtaca writes:

YTA. You know that she’s struggling due to unforeseen circumstances. Your only response should have been: “I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure something else out”. That’s what a decent human being with empathy would do. Instead you chose to be an insensitive AH by asking her to still pay her share.

You said “we’re all struggling”. That tells me that none of you have any business going on a three day trip to celebrate someone else’s upcoming wedding. If it’s getting too expensive, tell the bride she has to help pay for some of it or cancel the trip and plan a one day, local event instead.

wildfllow15 writes:

There are so many reasons YTA but the main one is expecting someone to pay for a trip they won’t be attending. Yes, things happen and situations come up, so you should have adjusted instead of expecting her to financially strain herself further for you and the bride to have fun.

Also, ANYONE who expects other people to pay to be in their wedding or part of their wedding party, are AH and you can’t change my mind on that.

I’ll send a gift and skip the bachelorette party along with the wedding if you are expecting me to pay for a dress you want me to wear, a hotel room you want me to stay in, and the childcare you wanted me to find.

The fact that people really expect others to pay for anything other than the gas to show up and the gift for the couple is absolutely insane to me.

captaintightpantz writes:

NAH - she committed so it’s her responsibility. But did you check into booking a smaller airbnb that would allow you to keep costs the same for other girls, and not require her to contribute to a trip she can’t attend when she has financial problems?

If you can’t cancel the accommodation I understand…but if were the bride I would be beyond mortified that a bridesmaid had to pay when she couldn’t attend for financial reasons if I wasn’t paying.

You are technically in the right, but this will likely negatively affect the relationship the bridesmaid who cancelled has with the bride/you. IMO the bride should pay her fair share so it’s less expensive for everyone else

fancaaayyy writes:

ESH except the hail problem person for planning a bachelorette trip in the first place. Stop the nonsense. Just organize a night out like it should be. The wedding culture in America is so stupid now

rb1327 writes:

ESH, Everyone Sucks Here. The fact that you sent out an anonymous survey shows that somewhere in your mind you knew this bachelorette extravaganza event was going to be a financial stretch for people. But the people who committed to the event are on the hook for the costs they agreed to.

When planning a group vacation or event like this, a better course of action is to ask for the money up front. If people can't pay at that time, then you're probably planning an event that is too expensive for everyone. No one can enjoy a vacation that leaves them strapped for rent money!

I wish more people would push back on the expenses demanded of them as part of a wedding party. Maybe then brides/grooms would get the hint

fetaah writes:

YTA and a big one.Why do you even need a bachelorette party.Just wasted money for women to drink and cheat on their SO and claim it was just one time.Put financial burden on a friend so you can drink and cheat.Shows the kind of person you are.