Bride chooses mom to go wedding dress shopping over stepmom, 'this dates back many years.' AITA?
"AITA for choosing to have my mom come wedding dress shopping with me over my stepmom?"
This is about a dispute between me and my dad/stepmom. It's a dispute that started because my dad and stepmom were upset that I chose to go wedding dressing shopping with my mom and not with my stepmom instead. For those who will wonder why both women couldn't be there, there's a lot of bad blood there and my stepmom hates my mom and refuses to be civil with her anymore now that I'm over 18. She also refuses to be in the same room unless it's some major event in my life. Otherwise they are never in the same place. The same goes for my dad and my mom.
So this dates back many years. I'm not sure if the tension between them always existed but I was aware of the fact my mom and stepmom didn't like each other when I was younger. I was also aware that my mom and dad didn't like each other. Though I feel like they put up a better act around me than my mom and stepmom could. Both sides have their own reasons as to why the tension started. My mom has never told me directly but my aunt has told me what my mom told her. While my dad and stepmom have shared their side with me.
But the big conflict came when I was 10 and my stepmom had a later miscarriage (15 weeks) and my mom mocked her. I was not present when this happened. I do not know exactly what was said. What I do know is once that happened it went from conflict to outright distain and hatred and my dad and stepmom not wanting to see my mom ever.
And when I turned 16 they told me about what my mom did and explained that they would hope I would agree that what my mom did was unforgivable and that I would choose to live with them instead. I did not choose to live with them and while I acknowledge my mom doing that as wrong, I still love her and she's still my mom.
I'm closest to mom of the three, then my dad and then my stepmom. This is something my dad and stepmom feel. My stepmom has admitted to me in the past that she struggles to understand how I can continue my relationship with mom unchanged knowing she was downright evil to her after the worst thing a parent can experience (child loss) and the fact she celebrated the death of one of my siblings.
For the last few years whenever my parents and stepmom are in the same room together, my dad and stepmom end up trying to pick a fight with my mom. Sometimes it works, other times my mom walks away. But they will seek her out or be the ones to start throwing insults or causing trouble. I have asked them not to and my stepmom told me I cannot expect her to be in the same room as my mom and let the woman who did that to her go without a word.
So when it came to dress shopping I knew having both was not an option and I refuse to give my stepmom a chance with a warning. Because I know it will go down the same way it always does. So I chose to bring my mom. My stepmom saw the bridal store's photo of me, my mom, future MIL and future SIL on their social media and she was very upset to see mom there instead of her. And so they were angry with me. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
BulbasaurRanch said:
No, NTA. Absolutely ridiculous that she thinks at any point you would choose her over your own mother. Her feelings can be hurt, doesn’t change anything. It was a special moment for your mother to experience with her daughter and you prioritized that, as you should. Whatever drama happened between your mother and step mother is their issue, and not your job to pick sides. It’s wild that step mother thinks you would’ve chosen her over your mother for this.
lihzee said:
NTA. Your stepmom doesn't know how to behave around your mom, and you wanted your mom with you for dress shopping. Stepmom has to deal with the consequences of her behavior.
ProfessorYaffle1 said:
NTA. As you say, whtever has happened between your Mom and StepMom, she is your Mom, and your relationship with her is not about your step-mom. In your position, I would be having a serious conversation with your dad and step-mom, nad make crystal clear that no matter what your Mom did or did not do, she is your mom, and you are not going to listen to or tolerate any further nasttiness or insults.
Tell them that your Mom will be at your wedding, so they need to decide whether they can put you first for once, beahve like adults, andcome to your weddding to support you, and make sure that they are civil to and about your mom, or they can stay away.
Make clear that this is not up for debate, that you are done with them making eveything about them, and that if it's too hard for them to be in the same room as your mom without starting a scene then you will accept their regrets for the wedding and any future events.
And then if necesary, have the same conversation with you Mom. It sounds as though they all behaved badly but at the end of the day, they don't have to like each other or even be friendly, but they are adults and any adult should be capable of controlling themselves in public even around people they don't like. And if the pain of seeing your mom is so great they feel they can't cope, that's OK, but they need to own that and accept that that means there are someth things they will miss out on.
CPolland12 said:
NTA - Unfortunately you are in a lose/lose situation. And it’s absolutely shitty for the parents in your life to put you in the middle and use you as a pawn in their fight. The amount of emotional manipulation in this story is abhorrent. How is the wedding going to work?
Will your dad and stepmom behave? I understand what your said about the miscarriage (well over a decade ago) was mean and hurtful. Did your mom ever apologize? Would that help ease tensions? Your stepmom doesn’t ever have to forgive her or be friendly, but be a fucking adult and be cordial. They all sound exhausting.
Black-Cat-Enthusiast said:
NTA. I find it very interesting that your dad and stepmom brought this up to you at 16, to get you to choose them. I would start setting boundaries now because it sounds like it’s going to get worse leading up to the wedding. Maybe think about security for the wedding too.
Scree_fox said:
NTA. If their conflict means only one person can go with you, of course you're gonna choose the person your closest to. Besides, neither side should be dragging you into their fight or asking you to choose sides, and kudos to your mom for seemingly being the only person who isn't trying to do so. You were a kid when this happened, it's not okay for them to try and drag a kid into a fight between adults. Sure, you're an adult now, but the drama between them is still not your problem.
What your mom did was wrong. Absolutely cruel, but it's between her, your dad and stepmom. I can understand your dad and stepmom wanting nothing to do with her, but they're grown adults. It doesn't matter what she did, they shouldn't be picking fights at family events. The rest of the family shouldn't be being dragged into the drama - if they can't talk it out between them and find closure, they need to be at least staying on opposite sides of the room and ignoring each other if they all need to be at the same event. How are they even going to make it through the wedding day if they can't be civil?
Here's the thing: I hate my aunt. Loathe her absolutely and utterly. But when my grandfather died and she tried to have me and my family uninvited from the funeral, you know what I did? Ignored the game playing, showed up, and was respectful and polite to everyone there, even her, because that day wasn't about me, it was about honouring my grandfather. Sure, it was incredibly obvious she was angry at losing whatever she was trying to achieve by excluding us, and I certainly wasn't sad to see that.
But on the day, very few people knew there was a conflict between us, and that's how it should be when you're stuck in an event with someone you hate. It's about loving someone else enough to suck it up and be civil for a few hours. If your dad and stepmom are unable to do that, they need to make peace with not being as involved in these kinds of moments.