Bride chooses to wear stepmother's wedding dress instead of late mom's, 'it’s disrespectful.' AITA?

"AITA for choosing to wear my stepmother's wedding dress instead of my mom's?"

I (24f) and my fiancé who we’ll call Jake (26m) got engaged 6 months ago and are currently planning our dream wedding. We’re really excited about it. Here comes the problem though. My Grandma recently asked me when I’d be going dress shopping. I actually decided I’d be wearing my stepmoms wedding dress.

It’s a very pretty dress and my stepmom is excited to have me wear it. My Grandma isn’t to happy about it. She thinks if I’m not going to get a new dress then I should wear my mothers dress. My mother died when I was 11.

It was very hard on me and my dad. When she died, it felt like she took my dad’s happiness with her. But two years after her death, my dad met my stepmom, and a year after that, Amy moved in with us. I was terrified Amy would be like those evil stepmoms you read about or watch on TV.

You know the ones that try and make it where the ex wife never existed in the first place, by getting rid of photos and anything that might so much as remind anybody of the ex wife.

Amy wasn’t like that though! She helped me and my dad go through my mom’s stuff and carefully pack the things that were going into storage. When we moved after they got married she chose the photos to be hung on the walls of our new home she made sure to put up some pictures of my mom.

For my 13 birthday she even convinced my dad to get an Australian Cattle dog, just like the one my mother had when she was growing up. My point is Amy never tried to replace my mom. She even ended up becoming a mother figure that I’m extremely grateful for and love dearly.

I love my mom’s wedding dress as well but it’s just not really my style and would need a good bit of alteration in order to fit me. My mom had bigger hips than I do but smaller breasts than I do. Plus she was at least 4 inches taller than I am. Amy’s dress on the other hand is more my style and wouldn’t require as many alterations, as well as fit my weddings theme.

My father doesn’t see anything wrong with me wearing Amy’s dress instead of my mom’s. I’m going to wear some of my mother’s jewelry in honor of her so that way I feel like she’s there with me as well. So it’s not like I’m wearing nothing of my mom’s.

I told my grandma that but she still wasn’t happy with that and she even told me that “It’s disrespectful to my actual mother and that she’s extremely disappointed.“ Since then she won’t shut up about it and keeps trying to convince me to wear my mom's dress instead. So AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Educational-Mud2116 said:

Absolutely not the AH. This is your wedding, and your choice is heartfelt, thoughtful, and deeply personal. Here’s why you’re in the clear—and honestly, kind of amazing for how you’re handling this:

You’re wearing your stepmom’s dress because it suits you, fits the theme, and she’s been an important maternal figure. You’re wearing your mother’s jewelry to honor her memory. That’s not disrespect—that’s a balance of love and gratitude.

BellaaGotCake said:

You're not the ahole. You’ve made a thoughtful decision that honors both your mom and stepmom in a way that feels right for you. Your mom’s memory is important, and wearing her jewelry shows that, while Amy has been a loving and supportive figure in your life.

Your wedding is your choice, and it’s great that your dad supports you. Your grandma may be disappointed, but ultimately, it’s your special day, and you’re not disrespecting anyone.

neocircuit1x said:

Choosing a dress is like choosing a pizza topping—everyone has an opinion, but in the end, it’s your wedding and you’re the one who has to wear it!

ClevelandWomble said:

What is annoying is the "mum's dress or new dress" argument. Gran just doesn't want you wearing stepmum's dress. That is disrespectful to someone who actually honored your mum. Your reasoning is perfectly rational and thoughtful. You know what is right. Don't sacrifice your dream wedding to placate granny's nasty views. NTA.

forfksake12 said:

NTA even a little. Your wedding, your dress, your marriage, your photos. You shouldn't feel pressured into honoring your own mother. You are doing it how you want to do it with the jewelry.

Personally, if I got pressured into something like that, it would make both the dress and the photos difficult to look at. Not only would it carry the heaviness of being reminded of losing your mother (it sounds like really the only reason you'd be wearing it, since it's not your style) but also that you were guilted into it.

There's a whole cult of "we must honor the dead by making everything about them or else we'll forget" and it bugs me. Esp the trope where the main characters get married and have babies and all the kids are named after various dead people from the book. The kids aren't the dead people.

They are there own people. I've never once forgotten my fiance who passed away, and wearing his clothes or naming my kids after him will make no difference in how much I honor and respect and love him.

Sweet_Sexy69 said:

You are NTA! It's called YOUR wedding for a reason! So choose the wedding dress new or borrowed that will make your day the Most Memorable for you and your husband-to-be's Perfect day. Your opinions are the only ones, out of every other persons opinions being thrown at a bride-to-be and her future husband.

jess1804 said:

NTA. Is your grandma your mother's mother? Because if she is she will have memories of that dress some sort of attachment. Going shopping to buy it. Your mother getting ready on her wedding day maybe she helped zip your mother's dress up. Maybe she was dreaming of helping you get ready in that dress or shopping for one of your own.

OP responded to the above comment here:

Yes she’s my mother’s mother and I do understand where she might be coming from. I know that my mothers death was difficult for the rest of my family as well.