Bride considers calling off wedding, 'my fiancé made a pros and cons list about me in his group chat.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for considering postponing my wedding after I saw how my fiancé talks about me in his group chat?"
Me (24f) and my STBH (24m) have been together since we were both 17. He was my first everything. First boyfriend, first kiss, etc. Literally my first for everything.
He proposed after I graduated nursing school and I’ve never been happier. I know everyone says this but there’s literally been zero problems and zero red flags. I wanted to play this game he has on his ipad cause I’ve become borderline addicted to it.
As I was playing it, I saw a text from his group chat pop up. I ignored it then another came up with one of his friends saying something dirty. I got confused so I decided to open it.
This group chat is only men. Some are MY childhood friends too. And we hangout with these people multiple times a week. My husband sent a pros and cons list about me. I copied it, sent it to me, deleted the evidence. Here’s the list:
Pros: —physically eager and good in bed —curvy in the right places and a flat stomach —doesn't let herself become frumpy and ugly —funny and smart —good cook and baker.
Cons: —has a lot of animals —doesn't always keep our place clean —laughs too loud —vulgar and crude —has bad breath in the mornings —spends too much time at the gym.
Is the list that bad? It made my stomach drop and I’ve just felt this impending dread ever since discovering it. The cons aren’t THAT bad, but it feels so objectifying with the pros list.
And as I scrolled up and read more, the worse it got. He talked to them about how he thinks I lied about being physically inexperienced when we met cause I’m “too eager” in wanting to try too many things.
And even bragged about how he has a folder on his phone of videos and photos of me and us. Everybody dared him to send it but he said no but how can I be sure he didn’t send it anyways and deleted the evidence?
He even talked about how there was a week he tested to see how many times we could be intimate by simply asking, and decided to stop because he “started to feel bad."
There was more, but I can’t write it out. I feel so gross and sad. I talk about him in a such different way. It feels like he only sees me as an object and I see him as my other half.
I’ve opted out of friend hangouts and have distanced myself from him. He’s noticed and has been trying to find out what’s wrong but I’m not even ready to tell him. I wanna postpone our wedding until we can figure this out or if it’s even salvageable. Am I overreacting? Please any and all advice is welcomed.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
redditlurker1981 said:
I don’t think you should ever marry anyone so willing to humiliate you. He doesn’t sound like he has much love or respect for you. Not a good way to start a life long partnership.
choppedliver65 said:
This man has no respect for you. It’s not ok for someone who is supposed to love you to talk about you in a degrading and objectifying way. And the others in the gc are not your friends.
If anything you are now under reacting. Postponing the wedding is the minimum you should do. Don’t be fooled into staying with him because he was your first and you’ve put so much time and energy into the relationship.
You deserve better. You have plenty of time to find a partner who respects and loves you. NTA, but you may end up being one to yourself if you don’t address this and demand better for yourself, even if it is with someone else.
ceokc13 said:
NTA. On top of the list being dumb and humiliating in and of itself the fact that he “tested” you would be enough for me. I’m petty so I would create a group chat with all his friends and include him and create pros and cons list of your fiancé with any and all of his insecurities and then leave him.
Imaginary-Yak-6487 said:
NTA & He’s gross. I’d walk away.
No-Consequence3985 said:
NTA! I can understand a pro and con list. But the stuff he has on it and the fact he shared it with his friends is beyond awful. Discussing intimate details in a group chat would be unforgivable to me.
This was complete disrespect! I would at the bare minimum postpone and insist on counseling. I personally would end it, but that's a decision only you can make. Maybe make your own pro/con list. I definitely see more con's than pro's.
AgentOfBliss said:
NTA but I wouldn't be postponing anything. I would just cancel. No way would I be able to look at him the same.
ClevelandWomble said:
He's not ready to be a husband and you deserve better anyway. Postponing is the minimum. Thinking those thoughts is one thing. Sharing your intimate moments for laughs is just.... gross. NTA.
UPDATE:
My STBX left for a work related trip and won’t be returning till the 7th. I decided to go through his ipad even more and the things I found were absolutely appalling. I can’t even believe I considered staying, you all opened my eyes and what I found really solidified it.
I searched the group chat more. They didn’t talk about me a whole lot but every time they did it was so degrading and wildly inappropriate. I found out it was my stbx that coined me with a deorgatory nickname. And I was right, he has sent videos of me. I wanted those to stay between us.
I also found his X and Reddit account. It’s adult content of one woman and multiple men. I don’t wanna read too much into that but with how everything is falling, I’m scared he was gonna try to share me with the men in this group chat. Which, yes I am open minded but I am firm on no sharing of any sort. He knows this.
I also found out he calls me butter face. He constantly complains that I don’t lean into my femininity and dress more girly. He said he hates my tattoos and piercings and said they’re “excessive."
There’s so much more and I’m just devastated. I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t wanna tell my family cause I’m so humiliated and sad. Do I collect evidence from his iPad and take it to a lawyer? Do I start moving out while he’s away? I’m just so lost right now. Thank you to everybody that helped open my eyes.
SECOND UPDATE:
I was able to get moved out before he came home but I barely made it. I finished moving everything out late at night on the 6th. I’m staying with Leslie until I’m able to find a new place. My family as well as his are aware of what’s going on. I decided to text his mom everything, she never responded. My parents are floored, my dad helped me move majority of my things out and “accidentally” broke his PC tower lol.
I don’t wanna get too much into the legal stuff cause I don’t know what I can and can’t discuss. What I will share is my lawyer is wanting to pursue charges and the police believe I have enough evidence. The officers and detective I’m working with have been extremely helpful and are going above and beyond for me.
Before he came home on the 7th I texted one of the guy's gfs and let her know what I found cause even though I didn’t find images or videos of the other guys girlfriends it’s still better to be safe than sorry. She was amazing and we are still in touch.
When he came home, everything went as expected. He was blowing up my phone. Texting, calling, emailing, everything. He showed up at the hospital, thankfully I wasn’t working that day but I heard it from one of the CNAs I work with.
He’s been demanding to know what’s going on, that he’s scared, etc. Then he started texting, asking where his ipad was. An hour later he started cursing me out asking if I’ve lost my mind. Telling me I need to grow up and come talk to him. I’m assuming he’s figured out I know.
If I can figure out uploading images, I’ll post the texts. Cops advised me to not block him cause he’ll likely say something that can further my case. I’m safe. My family is aware and so are all my friends. I have a great support system. I’m just so scared and exhausted. I’m sorry if this is jumbled and doesn’t make sense, I’m still trying to piece together everything. If there’s more I will update.