Bride demands husband's groomswoman wear a wig OR be disinvited to the wedding. AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for making my husband's groomswoman wear a wig or be disinvited from our wedding?"

My boyfriend (now fiancé) asked me to marry him 2 months ago. To give a little background, I met him at a farmer's market when I was 18 and he was 26, we are now 24F and 32M. We've been together for a little bit over 5 years, and I'm very happy with him.

Now, to the story, my fiancé's friend, Brittany, has been friends with him since they were in elementary school. Throughout our early dating days, I expressed I was not a fan of this woman.

There are many reasons as to why, such as us not having common interests and absolutely polar opposite moral codes, but the main one was her interest in embarrassing me and my fiancé, possibly because she likes him.

When we were first starting to go on dates, she had shown up and tried to invite herself to the date because he had told their mutual friend group chat where he was taking me. She then decided that she would go to the same restaurant, and had tried to make a scene about him cheating on her and that she was heartbroken.

It escalated very quickly and it ended with me asking the manager to get her trespassed, as she was delusional and I, nor my date, did not want her around. This sort of situation happened 3 more times, even going as far as showing up to his grandparent's house to stop me from meeting his family.

At that point, I made it clear to him that if anything like that were to happen again, I'd be out of there. Which he completely understood and agreed with me, wholeheartedly.

He convinced his friend group to go low communication about Brittany with him because she was acting weird around him and they all understood and disagreed with her actions.

He had extremely low contact after that point, and I learned years later that she had gotten major therapy, even checked herself into a mental hospital, and went on medication to stop these absolutely unhinged personality traits.

Around 4 years later, they reconnected through a mutual friend's birthday party we were all at and she genuinely seemed like she had changed personality-wise from the person I had met 5ish years ago.

We still didn't agree on most things, but she apologized for the way she had acted previously and owned up to all the BS she tried to pull with him. So, I just kept my guard up, but encouraged my fiancé to make friends with her again. I'm NOT friends with her, but I am friendly towards her.

Skipping to now, I have been planning this wedding basically since I was born (overexaggerating, but it has been in my thoughts since I was a young child). The wedding will not happen for another two years.

The theme is supposed to be similar to DnD style fantasy. A Renaissance wedding with blue, orange, and red as the basic color scheme.

Most of the wedding would be held outside at a local state park, but part of it would be held inside. Specifically, the cake and food would be cut and served inside, as well as some of the guest photos.

This is the important part. I have a personal friend, Bri (28F) who does professional pictures at Renaissance festivals across the US. Her job is to drive around across the country to Ren fairs and take pictures for certain venues.

It's a very cool job, and I love seeing the pictures. However, she does editing for some of these venues with a green screen to make it look more "aesthetic" or to totally change the scenery behind the people in the photo.

For example, she showed me mock ups for me in the past, showing silly people in costumes being chased by goblins and trolls, a dragon breathing fire behind a party of knights, and even a garden of lights with Faeries flying through it, etc. It's silly stuff and is for people to have fun with. My idea was to incorporate this into my wedding.

The guests would choose whatever background they'd like from a catalog that my friend and I put together, and Bri or her teammate would take pictures of them throughout the day.

These pictures would be uploaded electronically and then be edited by her after the wedding. These were mandatory for all guests that wanted to participate, so I could use the pictures for post cards and scrapbooking (It's my hobby).

The people who wanted to take part in this activity would have to check a box on the save the date form I sent out. My assumption is that most guests would be doing this, as most of the people that will be invited are extremely rambunctious and love activities involving being silly.

I do want to make it clear, these would not be the only pictures taken at the wedding. There still would be normal pictures being taken of the wedding itself, as well as photos that will likely be framed and used as decorations that would have NO green screen of my husband and I, and the wedding party.

A few days after he had proposed, my fiancé asked me if I'd feel comfortable with him inviting Brittany to the wedding as a groomswoman.

Honestly, I was fine with it. Until the topic of her hair came up. In the year or so that he had reconnected, she cut and dyed her hair a lime green with a cool undertone and highlights. I honestly really like it and it suits her facial structure extremely well.

However, I was worried about the green screen and her hair, so I invited her to my friend's home awhile later so we could see if the screen would blend with her hair. Unfortunately, it did. In the pictures, you could see a major "glitch" with every background we tried because of her hair.

I asked my friend if there was a way to edit around it, and she said there was, but it would be an extra amount of money because it would be way, way more time to go through and possibly edit multiple photos of her with groups of people and herself so the picture wouldn't glitch.

I'm very against this, as our budget has to be semi-perfect. We are accounting for accidents and issues, but not extra money to my friend's business because of one woman's choice of dye blending very well with the green screen.

While I do love her hair, I asked if she'd wear a wig to the wedding so she could still be included in the green screen pictures, even offered to get it professionally done and I'd pay for that.

This is when she became very angry with me. To sum up what she had said, her being asked to wear a wig was basically me saying I wanted to cover her "self". That her hair was an expression of herself and that she loved it.

I told her that I loved it as well, but in order for her to be included, she would need to wear a wig, as the green in her hair cannot just be covered up via a hat or other headwear. She has been saying that I just don't want to include her in the wedding.

As a compromise against the wig, I proposed that she gets more pictures of her having fun taken at the wedding itself, instead of the green screen.

She didn't like this idea because she claims it isn't fair all the other guests get to be put in a fun picture and she's the only one not allowed. Though I sort of agree with her, it isn't to the fault of my own. So, I offered that she paid for the extra editing costs it would be to take and edit more of her pictures.

At first, she was fine with the idea. Until I mentioned that the extra editing would cost around $100 for just a singular picture to be taken and edited by my friend, and the final price depended on how many photos she ended up in on the greenscreen.

Then, she declined the offer and tried to throw it in my face that Bri's prices were outrageous. I disagreed with her sentiment about the prices, and I haven't spoken to her since then.

Throughout this whole ordeal, my fiancé has been on my side, but he has been upset over her possibly not being there. While he does agree with me about not wanting to pay more for just her, as well as that she's being overdramatic, he has sympathy for her being the only person being left out of this choice activity.

While I also have sympathy, I just don't see an alternative here. We can't use a blue screen over a green screen because the colors of the wedding are blue, red, and orange.

And, I don't wish to pay for a new screen for my friend's business just because of one person. And the alternatives I have come up with, she has shot down.

So, my final decision was to ask him to disinvite her from the wedding to not create further drama, if she does not want to wear a wig. After long talks between us, he agreed with me and sent her a message that she would be disinvited entirely and would be welcome to celebrate with just us, after our honeymoon had ended.

They met up soon afterwards and he stayed firm on the matter, despite her crying and still refusing to do anything to correct her hair. She still believes that me asking her to do this is because of some power imbalance and that I just want to bully her, which I don't think I'm doing. She has a year to think it over.

I can tell this situation bothers him though, and I've addressed it a few times. All of the times I have, he says it is for the best, as she would just ruin the photos she was in with the green screen and could cost us to delete hundreds of pictures, purely based on her actions.

I agree, but it still bothers me that I'm doing something wrong. Especially since after this incident, her mom and dad have reached out to me to scold me for abusing my power against their daughter on one of the biggest parties she's ever been invited to.

Even my friends are split on the issue, all of them having sympathy for her but some of them saying I'm an AH because I won't just let her come to the wedding and have someone to block her from taking any pictures with the green screen.

And, just to make sure the record is straight, I am not trying to force her to change her hair in any way. I do not want her to dye it differently, nor would I expect her to. I purely just want a non-green wig to be put on her head for the wedding and then she can remove it afterwards.

I would normally say that she could remove it after the greenscreen portion, but I'm still working out if I'm just going to let it stay up for the entire day of the wedding, or if I'm going to hold other activities for everyone and have Bri close the photo stuff down. Again, wedding isn't for another two years, so I'm able to think it over for at least a year.

I dunno, am I the asshole?

TLDR: My husband's groomswoman won't wear a wig for my wedding due to her believing it is her sense of pride.

While I do like her hair, she could potentially ruin pictures of a greenscreen photo op activity I will be having at my wedding, costing us more than $1000 for pictures I cannot use, and even more money if I got her Photoshopped out or blended in with the background.

All other alternatives given to her have been denied. This has caused my husband to give her an ultimatum where he outlines that she will be uninvited if she does not agree to the terms within a year. Am I the AH for this?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments:

fromoutaspa writes:

YTA. This is bizarre. Imagine the other girl “yeah my friends wife told me I couldn’t go to their wedding unless I wore a wig”. Everyone hearing that would think “wtf…..”

“her believing it is a sense of pride”? Or that it’s just weird to be asked to wear a wig to a wedding? Your husband wondering if you won’t let his best friend be a grooms person, because of a wig. Then wondering how the next 50 years will be

crownd6 writes:

NTA. She has a need to make herself seem like a victim somehow? I feel like this is a long term plan somehow to ruin ops reputation because wearing a wig for photos with a greenscreen when you have green hair makes sense to normal people. But for this girl apparently it means she's being singled out, which she's not

vowcha writes:

NTA. It's your wedding, not a conversation with her. You're not "abusing your power", it's your wedding. She doesn't have any say in the game, and what she would prefer doesn't matter.

You're fully within your right to have said "because of what you did in the past, you're no longer welcome in our lives." Moving past that is a gift on your part, not an obligation you have to meet.

You offered ample alternatives. She can wear a wig, or not be in green screen photos, or pay to fix the green screen photos she messed up.

She is a guest at your wedding. It isn't her birthday party. You've been far more patient and given far more consideration than you need to, and far more that I ever would.

Or just enjoy every other part of the wedding and festivities other than appearing in green screen photos. Her expectations to be catered to at your wedding, not her wedding, in this way is ridiculous.

It's 2 years away, she can choose to have her hair dyed differently leading up to the wedding and switch back. Or pick a wig that still displays her personality but doesn't interfere.

This isn't that far removed from her throwing a tantrum because you're ordering a chocolate cake when her preference is vanilla.

Update 1:

The activity with the greenscreen is open to be used by everyone that signed up for it (mostly so I can get an accurate number of people that will have multiple pictures taken of them).

I would encourage them to do it in groups, so if one person's hair is making it glitch, and you have multiple people in a picture, it turns into a more than just $100 venture, it turns into $1000s of dollars that I simply do not have.

Bri told me that the total price could potentially quadruple the price I'm willing to pay because it would take hours to photoshop every single picture Brittany is in.

This woman as a guest was always an option, but they decided to invite her to be more than that, and are now reneging because of hair.

Guests are welcome to the greenscreen too, that is why uninviting her was on the plate because if she doesn't want to be left out of a portion of the wedding, then how else would I get her to not take pictures with other people with the greenscreen?

I didn't mention this only because I was already typing a lot, and forgot to add it, but she has more appointments booked to get her hair touched up with more green coloring in the next 2 years because of the fading that color like that does.

I only recently found out this information from my fiancé before we decided to tell her about the issue.

If her hair isn't green for whatever reason in a year, or she changes her mind about not minding that she isn't allowed to be in the greenscreen pictures, I'm sure something could work out differently and that wouldn't affect much at all.

The issue is that I'm being made into the bad guy because she doesn't want to be left out of 1 of the 4 big activities I have ideas for the wedding. I didn't include all the other stuff because I wasn't trying to pile on about how badly she's taking this, as the post is already very long.

But, she's yelled at me, cried, called my fiancé 33 times while he was at work, and more. All because I can't fix that she physically cannot be in greenscreen pictures without ruining them because I do not want to afford a major increase on my spending.

Before OP's 2nd update, let's take a look at some more comments and responses from OP:

gratcy6 writes:

I don't get why OP is jumping to uninviting her over the much simpler "I'm sorry we cant afford the extra to accommodate your hair colour for those pictures, if you won't pay or wear a wig then you won't be in them."

OP replies:

A lot of people keep saying this and I think I should have made it more clear. We didn't uninvite her, technically. The conversation between her and my fiancé was more similar to(to the best recollection of his memory):

Fiancé: "We need to talk about your antics ever since OP told you that you couldn't be in the green screen pictures."

Brittany: "Okay, I was going to bring it up to you, but I thought you'd make the better choice once we got to talk in person."

Fiancé: "I have decided that I don't want you to be at my wedding if you won't just choose how to temporarily alleviate the issues with the photo op and your hair."

Brittany: "What? You would uninvite me over this? Why can't she(me) just have her editor friend edit my pictures so my hair doesn't get cropped out and ruin the look of the pictures?"

Fiancé: "Because it costs a lot more for Bri to spend 4-5 hours on each photo (over exaggeration on his part) to individually and manually put your hair back to normal. There's a long process involved and she charges by the hour for editing like that.

We're already paying a lot for wedding photos because OP and I want to use them for years to come, and we can't afford another large sum of money for Photoshop editing added to the 1200 photo package. Even if sent them digitally to a different editor, than Bri, we'd still be looking at an additional $1000 tacked onto it."

Brittany: starts crying "I thought you wanted me at your wedding, and wanted my niece to be the ring bearer. I want to be in those photos because they look like so much fun.

She just doesn’t want me there, so she's saying I can't come, all because I just want to be included with everyone else for the photo op. I just don't understand why you won't pay the $1000 and be done with it. You make a lot of money, and so does she."

Fiancé: "Your sister agrees with OP and I about this topic. She thinks you're being ridiculous and dying on the wrong hill. Your niece is still on the table to be the ringbearer, even though we've never explicitly said so, just asked her mom if she could do that without getting too nervous in front of all the people.

Either way, it doesn't matter. I would like you to be there, but if you're going to make being in the photo op your hill, I'm not going to tolerate it. I do not want you ruining my wedding because you decided to throw a fit, while you're there, that you can't be in the photo op.

Or, worse, you photo-bomb pictures so you can be in them. OP has made it clear on the outcomes of the photos to you. You look like you are bald, and you block pieces of people behind you because of your hair. Unfortunately, that means you can't be included because we are paying per photo, not for the time."

Brittany: starts getting a little hysterical and then stands up "Fine, if you're not going to let my hair be the way it is, I'm just not going to go. I want to be in the photo op. I don't understand why you can't pay for the extra editing costs for me because I'm your oldest friend.

We have been together since we were 4 and 5, I just don't understand why you'd choose that woman(me) over me in this situation. She is abusing her power. She doesn't understand that the photo op is a major part of the wedding (it isn't, it's just an activity) and she is not including me in it."

Fiancé: "Okay, Brittany. In that case, if you won't fix this situation, whether it be to just not participate in the photo op or wear a wig/cover your hair, I don't want you there to cause drama.

If you do decide to change it in the next year before we have to book the exact amount of people for the venue, you are more than welcome to be there as a guest, but I do not want you as a groomswoman anymore.

You've made me uncomfortable with how you're treating my future wife, and your endless barrage of insults towards her is not going to be tolerated. You have insulted her, so you have insulted me.

I believed you had changed for the better, but I was wrong. The only reason your invite even still stands, with conditions, is because your family is very dear to me, and I love your sister like a daughter."

She starts crying hysterically and tries to grab him by the sleeve but he pulls away, gets up from the bar, and walks out of the restaurant.

So, yeah, that's the entire conversation to the best of my fiancé's ability. Basically, she's being incredibly difficult and stubborn over wanting us to pay $1000+ for extra editing because she knows we have the money, we just don't want to pay it only for her.

Honestly, if the situation was different, I would have been persuaded to pay half of the cost of the editing and just taken the loss on the photos she happened to be in. I would have done that as the last compromise, over just covering her head temporarily.

But with her constant insults, endless barrage of complaints that aren't related to this post, and her being extremely rude to me and my partner about the wedding photos... It just isn't in the cards for me now.

Update 2:

I honestly didn't think I'd post an update at all this year because I mostly got the confirmation I needed to know I was mostly correct in my assumption that she'd cause more drama at the wedding than necessary, and that I'd be correct in that I would be okay to disnvite her. I was trying to be detailed in that post, but in this one I'm going to be a little less detailed.

Basically, 3 days ago, I was sent my post on messenger from Brittany. She is a notorious Reddit lurker, apparently, and saw it a few hours after it was posted. It didn't even have to get multiple upvotes because she just reads the ones available on the "recent" category.

I told her I posted because I had a lot of inner conflict towards my involvement with my fiancé choosing to disinvite her if she can't just make some form of sacrifice to not be in the green screen/wear a wig so she can be included. She got extremely mad at me.

Called me names, threatened that I'd be sued for defamation, etc. This honestly just made me realize how little she actually changed. Of course, I showed my fiancé and he was appalled at her actions. He said he was going to block her and did so that day, and so did I.

Yesterday, I woke up to 43 missed calls from a number I did not recognize, that ended up to be her and a dozen voicemails claiming that I was stealing my fiancé away from her again, that I had purposefully targeted her for just wanting to be included with everyone else, and so on. I do not know how she got my number, but I obviously blocked it.

After that, I reported her to the police on the non-emergency line because I didn't know if I would be needing to fear for my safety. I'm really glad I did this. After my fiancé had left for work, she showed up to our home and knocked on the door.

I cracked a window near the door and asked what she wanted. She said, whilst crying, that I needed to let her in the house because it was her right to be with my fiancé, not me. She started kicking at the door and I told her to knock it off.

Immediately, I just started dialing the non emergency police number for my nearest precinct because I already knew what was happening in that moment, and I was supposed to be clocking in for work on my computer at that moment.

I texted my boss and she excused my absence for the day as well. As I was doing this, I kept repeating, "Go away, I called the police, and I do not want you here. You are trespassing." She was saying all kinds of things I don't wish to repeat here, but the lesser of the things she was saying involved:

Calling me a white r@ist pig (She is mixed race, and so am I); Saying she was 8months pregnant with my fiancé's baby (there's quite literally zero proof of this, including no baby bump, despite being a fairly thin woman)

Screaming that she would take me to hell; Trying to break my metal outside door, but instead hurting herself instead. And so on.

Basically, she had a full-on meltdown. The police came, saw that was trying to break my door down, and immediately put her in cuffs and sat her down. She was claiming this was her house and that she'd lived there for 10 years, that I had broken in and locked her out, etc.

Of course, because of her psychotic appearance, I was questioned and once given the real story... As well as being able to provide proof that I was the owner of the home, she was taken to the police station.

As far as I'm aware, she was booked for the night and was let go today. I did agree to a temporary no-contact order and my fiancé and I are going to proceed with a permanent one.

Her parents called after they heard she was put in a holding cell, and apologized profusely. Apparently, Brittany had lied to them about the extent of her actions and downplayed a lot of it.

On the exterior, she seemed fine and well-rounded. But, mentally, she had snapped again from not taking her meds for a year. She never told her parents this, just acted normally until one of her triggers came back; my fiancé. No, he didn't do anything wrong, she just had a major trigger when it came to him because of a deeply obsessive personality disorder.

I wasn't trying to air her dirty laundry about her medical history the last post, but she was diagnosed with BPD and a large handful of disorders caused by trauma she had endured in her childhood from her great grandfather.

She's an unhealthy person, and I regret even allowing her to have the notion that we had forgiven her for her past.

I'm pretty shaken from this ordeal... and I can't believe this was all because of a god damn greenscreen and some pictures that were supposed to just be treated as silly holiday cards for my foreseeable future.

This is making me rethink the idea altogether, to be completely honest. Maybe I'll just rent an adult bouncey house because that seems more fun than green screened professional photography

Readers continued to weigh in and OP wrote some responses:

fragran writes:

My god. I would LOVE to be as calm and collected as you. Teach me your ways! In all seriousness though, I hope you're ok. Don't let her get to you. Do your wedding the way you want! Wishing you all the very best xxxx

OP replies:

Oh I was NOT calm and collected, I was crying and feeling very scared. The ONLY reason I was able to make rational decisions is because I had mentally and physically prepared myself for another incident like this happening because

I was a victim of a non-se%ual assault during a break-in at my mom's house when I was 14 and it made me terrified of not knowing what to do if an incident like this ever occurred again. I was acting on instinct.

Therapy and an incredible women's defense coach got me to this point. I also live in Texas, so castle doctrine was on my side.

grapthy writes:

This woman is an absolute lunatic. Make sure that you get a permanent restraining order. You should also consider security for your wedding venue because she's more than likely going to show up and do something crazy again. Good luck OP, you're going to need it.

OP replies:

I already have security in the works that was unrelated to this incident... Now it's a "for sure having a small security team!"

halrut writes:

This situation isn’t about a green screen or pictures. It’s about an extremely unstable person refusing to follow their doctor’s orders. The hair and picture problems are, at best, the catalyst for her breakdown, but it most certainly isn’t the cause.

It’s your and your fiancé’s day, so if y’all decide to do something other than the pictures go right ahead. However, I would hate for you to regret not doing it because of one nutball.