Bride gives dad ultimatum: 'if you invite your brother, I'm canceling the wedding.' AITA? 'He's paying for it.'

"AITA for threatening to cancel my wedding that my dad is paying for if he invites his brother?"

My fiancé and I are getting married in May and decided that we didn’t want to have a traditional + large wedding, we had always really wanted to get married at the courthouse. A big reason for this is because we didn’t want to have to deal with the drama that comes along with not inviting people who think they are entitled to be invited (specifically my uncle and his wife).

My parents were very upset about the courthouse idea because they wanted more of a celebration, so we compromised and rented a big vacation house to get married at. It wasn’t exactly what we wanted but we were still happy to do it this way. My parents paid for the house.

We invited about 10 people, including two couples that my parents are friends with. But now my dad is insisting we invite his brother. I have always felt very strongly about not inviting my dad’s brother and his wife to our wedding, no matter how small our ceremony is.

They are extremely entitled people, have spread many false rumors about my family, trash talked us behind our backs, all while trying to maintain the guise of being one big, perfect loving family. Put simply I don’t care how closely related I am to them - I do not have any sort of affection for them and I certainly don’t trust them.

Now my dad is using the fact that he is paying for everything as a way to control his brother getting invited. He says it’s also a celebration for him too, so he wants his brother there (even tho his will have other friends and family there).

I say it’s my wedding day and I don’t want to spend it with someone who has treated us like we’re beneath him his whole life. My fiancé and I have already compromised for my parents by getting married at this house in the first place, we don’t need to make any more compromises for them.

My dad is not budging and is accusing me of being selfish and petty, so now my fiancé and I are strongly considering canceling it all and going back to our original courthouse plans. Seeing us get married is a privilege, not a right. So AITA here? Does my father actually get more say since he is the one paying for everything?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Hefty-Wrongdoer6282 said:

I don’t understand the problem. You didn’t want this bigger wedding in the first place. Why not just tell him if your uncle is invited, you’re going back to a courthouse wedding?

IamIrene said:

NTA. Seems your dad's entire purpose for paying was to manipulate your wedding into something he wants. You have good reason to not want toxic family in attendance of your wedding. The fact that your dad is okay with their behavior is a bit alarming.

I'd cancel everything. Reschedule for the courthouse experience you and your fiancé originally wanted and when your dad comes around and offers to pay for anything...just say no. People who use money to control others are pretty devoid of moral character.

extinct_diplodocus said:

NTA. The only reason you're having this extravaganza is as a favor to your dad. If he crosses your boundaries (by inviting his brother), you're fully justified to change to the little wedding you wanted in the first place.

In fact, you should probably cancel the big wedding unconditionally at this point. You can't trust your dad to keep your uncle out, even if he were to reassure you uncle wouldn't be invited.

He's taken your wedding and turned it into his party. I do think that, in the long run, you'll look back on your courthouse wedding and be content that you got exactly what you wanted.

EmceeSuzy said:

You are NTA. I do think that it may help for you to get the idea of 'threatening' out of your mind. Your father has chosen to make this a battle of wills and you, quite naturally, have joined him in it.

Your father has had every chance to change his position and he refuses. All you need to do now is to book your wedding at the court house and gently inform your parents that you will be having a private wedding.

The end. Do not talk about conditions or even reasons. The reason is very well known at this point. If your father suddenly agrees wholeheartedly to exclude his brother, you might consider returning to the wedding house plan but be careful.

Lilly323 said:

NTA. YOUR wedding is actually not a celebration for your dad, to your dad, about your dad. apart from opening his wallet, he really should have absolutely no say in the wedding.

If this were me because I’m petty, I would actually retake full control and now plan the wedding I want. for you, would it be too late to change back to the courthouse? instead of cancelling your union altogether, make your dad waste all of the money he’s already spent.

redlips_rosycheeks said:

NTA. Time to cancel. Your dad is essentially trying to hijack your wedding and make it about him, and he’s using his money as the manipulation tool. You didn’t even want the bigger wedding - tell your dad you love him, but your wedding day is about your and Fiancé, not him or your uncle.

If he wants the bigger party, he can pay for it, but if your uncle and his wife attend, you won’t be there, and there will be no wedding. Or, he can cancel the Airbnb, get his money back, and the two of you can elope and only invite those excited to celebrate YOUR dream day the way YOU envision it.

MarionberryPlus8474 said:

NTA. If he is holding the “I’m paying for it” card over your head (normally a crappy thing to do, but understandable as he who pays the piper…) remind him that you didn’t want the event like this in the first place, either his brother is out or you will go back to the courthouse wedding you wanted. I lean towards doing that anyhow because I wouldn't trust him not to say OK and invite his brother anyway.

You hold all the power here. He was already coaxing you to do something you didn’t want, and now he acting As if he did you some sort of favor? I assume he already HAD his wedding, he was free to invite his brother to it. Or he’ll, have another wedding and invite him. He doesn’t get to dictate YOUR wedding guest list.