'WIBTA if I uninvited my cousin to my wedding because she doesn't want to get me a wedding gift?'
"WIBTA if I uninvited my cousin to my wedding because she doesn't want to get me a wedding gift?"
My cousin rsvp'd yes to my wedding. We are having 50 people all up, only family and close friends. My fiancé and I have been together a long time and don't need any gifts, so instead of a gift registry we put on our invites that if people felt like they wanted to gift something, a donation to our honeymoon fund would be amazing.
I messaged my cousin asking if she could do my bridal bouquet for my wedding and what the cost would be. She said she'd be happy to do it and it would cost $360, $320 for the flowers and $40 for her half an hour of time. I said I'd be happy to pay her full cash, or if she'd prefer in lieu of a donation to our honeymoon fund, if she'd want to do the bouquet and I'd just pay the $320 for all of the products.
This is where things got a bit sour. She said she wasn't planning on donating anything to honeymoon fund because she was saving up for her own vacation next year to Hawaii, and while "it might not be a honeymoon, it's just as important, especially since I dont have other people donating towards my holiday unlike you" and because of that, I would need to pay full price for the bouquet.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting people to donate to the honeymoon fund, and I'm not expecting them to donate the per plate price we paid for their meal like is sometimes expected, we decided on the cost of the wedding and the guests don't have to foot the bill for that.
I know some people won't be able to afford to donate and some will donate a token amount, and if she had of said she isn't donating because she can't afford to, or is struggling, I wouldn't have an issue with that and would probably have offered her help in some way.
But saying she was not donating a token amount because of her holiday, and the tone of "because it's just as important as a honeymoon" and that I have people donating to mine and she doesn't really rubbed me the wrong way.
And I'm not expecting anything for free but her not wanting to donate because of her holiday, but then also not wanting to donate half an hour of her time with one bouquet because of her holiday has really annoyed me. Like she doesn't want to donate $20 to my honeymoon, but wants me to pay the $40 for her time for her holiday.
And of course typically I'd always pay people for their time, and if this was a few hours work I'd never ask. But just her essentially saying that her holiday and her money is more important has gotten under my skin. It's not about the money but the way she's said everything.
Would I be the ahole if I uninvited her? I might be the ahole because it looks like I'm acting entitled over her time/money when it's about her attitude.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
puffin5678 said:
YTA. In fact I can’t believe you wrote all this out and still can’t clearly see how much of an AH you are. Did you agree to pay the bakery full price for ingredients plus their skill and labor for a wedding cake? And what about a wedding dress? Or invitations?
You claim to typically pay people for their time and yet your immediate expectation was for your cousin to donate her time for free. She likely responded the way she did because your comment rubbed her the wrong way. You point blank put her on the spot by automatically assigning her an amount to donate to your honeymoon fund and then telling her to just call it even.
Reading through the lines of all your fake “I usually sympathise but” and your justifications, it basically sounds like you’re only inviting people to the wedding because you want them to donate to your fund and not because you value them enough to celebrate your special day with them.
p9nultimat9 said:
YTA. $320 flowers don’t magically appear together without the cousin ordering, receiving/picking up, carrying and arranging them. 1/2hr & $40 for putting that amount of flower together for wedding is a family discount.
The post doesn’t say but I assume the cousin is doing flower either professionally or at least side job level. The cousin is gifting the discount.
When I had my wedding, I invited my upcoming designer friend who made my dress and my upcoming hair/makeup friend to reception. I paid for their work (discounted price they offered) ofc and didn’t expect additional gift from them.
embopbopbopdoowop said:
YTA. You say you don’t need gifts. Your wedding invite says if people felt like they wanted to gift something. How do you reconcile that with uninviting someone who doesn’t want to gift you something? Get your flowers from elsewhere if your cousin’s offer bothers you that much.
Loud-Historian1515 said:
YTA obviously. There isn't a question about it. You said you don't expect people to donate but obviously you do.
healthfoodandheroin said:
Obviously YTA. you really had to come here to ask that? You say you don’t expect people to donate, except that’s exactly why you’re mad. I wouldn’t donate either.
83poolie said:
YTA. Clearly even though it's "not expected," it actually is expected. You don't invite people to your wedding because they are getting you a gift. You invite them to share the special day and create great memories with them.
YWBTA and yes, YTA as well. You say at the start that you don't need gifts and then get pissy because your cousin declined to give you a gift. You'll be alienating more family than just your cousin if you pull that kind of bul%$#@%.
Independent-Injury46 OP responded:
As I tried to make very clear in my post, I was upset because of her having a go at me about it being unfair that I was potentially getting donations towards my honeymoon while she had to pay for her holiday 100%, not because of the gift. Most people won't be giving a gift and that's fine.
After cooling down, I've decided I won't univite her and will just let the comments go.