'AITA for not being happy with my wedding and letting my husband know?' UPDATED
"AITA for not being happy with my wedding and letting my husband know?"
I (30F) have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 4 of them. I love him and I am genuinely happy with our marriage and the life we've built together with our children. I was happy the day he proposed. I was happy during our honeymoon.
We've had our ups and downs ever since, but overall I would say that I was happy. Although, I wasn't happy during the planning and actual wedding. Why? Because it wasn't the wedding I wanted.
A few months into the engagement my husband's grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and was expected to live long. Our wedding was predicted to be the last big family event that she would ever attend.
Of course I felt sad and was more than willing to change the date of the wedding to better suit her needs, but what I was not expecting was that it would become HER wedding and I was to be treated like a figure on a play set. She picked out the venue, the color scheme, the food, music, the flowers, and even my dress.
It all started out as subtle suggestions but when I started to try and put my foot down I was called a heartless bridezilla who couldn't honor a dying woman's request, and the fact that they were paying very little into the actual wedding would be an AH thing to bring up.
After a fight my husband was told to reconsider the engagement if I couldn't do this 'one thing' and how a wedding was more important to me than actually becoming a part of the family.
Knowing that I'd never win, I sat in my car and cried for an hour mourning the loss of the wedding I wanted and in the end let the In Laws have their way. I didn't even attend further meetings to discuss the planning and left both the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette party early.
On the actual day I swallowed my disappointment and just went through the motions. Since then my sister and best friend each had their weddings and I was MOH for both and was excited each time. I took my role very seriously and had a lot of fun.
My cousin is getting married and asked me to be her MOH and I jumped at the chance. Recently, I've been spending hours on the phone/Zoom putting together a planning binder.
My husband took note of my enthusiasm and made a joke about 'missing that energy' on our day and brushed it off.
After that I cut down my wedding planning in his presence but he wouldn't let up citing that we don't keep any wedding photos out, that I got rid of my dress as soon as I could and how I looked so much more happy at someone else's wedding than our own.
He wouldn't let up and eventually we got into a fight where I finally confessed that while I love him I hated our wedding. My husband is now hurt and giving me the silent treatment. AITA?
Here's what people had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.
[deleted] said:
I refuse to believe that he wasn't fully aware she was not happy to have not had a say in her own wedding. he's not mad she wasn't happy, he's mad she's not pretending she was.
dbohat said:
NTA. You gave up your wedding for his family and were perfectly fine just never talking about it. He wanted the truth and he got it. He should be thankful for what you did for his grandma.
Zoeyoe said:
NTA- He was wrong for not standing up for you and his family was very entitled and quite frankly disgusting with their behavior. He can stay mad because it doesn’t change the fact that they hijacked YOUR wedding. They choose the venue, dress, and all the other important things.
Cevanne46 said:
So to be clear, he pushed your feelings completely to one side and made it all about his needs (to support his grandmother) at your wedding and now when you reflect back on how much he hurt you he's pushed your feelings completely to one side and made it all about him again.
MrsJonesy2012 said:
NTA. But plan your dream wedding for you vow renewal. I'm currently planning mine, I ended up 7 months pregnant at my wedding so my dress wasn't what I wanted, money was an issue.
We vetoed having it abroad (my dream was a beach wedding) as my grandma wouldn't of been able able come, and then I was pregnant etc. So I've spent 10 years daydreaming about our renewal and it's finally in sight.
WiseBad1 said:
NTA. Every time you tried to have something of your wedding for yourself, you were gaslit with guilt to make you conform to what they wanted. You’re allowed to be upset over that.
Your husband still doesn’t understand this. Tell him “shoe on the other foot and hypothetically, it’s my mom is dying, and everything you want for our wedding is denied because it’s not what she wants.
She picks the color, your suit, every important detail, and you’re not allowed to have an opinion because she’s dying. You’re basically a doll that’s getting dressed up and going through the motions of a day that you thought you would have had more of a hand in considering it’s your damn wedding. Then try and see it from my point of view.”
OP came back with this update:
I stepped away for a little bit but I'm already getting so many wonderful comments and messages. Thank you so much for validating my feels. Although there are some things that I wanted to clear up first.
My husband's grandma died a few months after we came back from the honeymoon and she recounted how our wedding as being one of the happiest moments of her final days so I made the decision to not bring up how much it wasn't a good day for me, so my husband and I have never really talked about our wedding in this way until now.
While I am into super planner mode for my cousin's wedding I am strictly adhering to the 'Bride and Groom Get Final Say' rule because I don't want to make others feel how I did. Hence the binder so if they shoot down one suggestion I've got three others. Lol.