Bride refuses to even try on the 'princess bride' wedding dress her mom bought. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to try on the wedding dress my mom bought me without asking?"
I (28F) recently got engaged and was excited to pick out my wedding dress — something I’ve always looked forward to doing myself. My mom (56F) took it upon herself to buy a wedding dress for me. She never asked me to “go shopping together” or “send me ideas.”
She literally went out, bought a dress she liked, and then put it in my closet without saying anything. I just found it one day while getting something else — no conversation, no heads-up, just a dress hanging there.
It’s nothing like what I would’ve chosen for myself. It’s super traditional, big, poufy, very “princess bride” — and just…not me. She never asked what I liked, what styles I was thinking about, or if I even wanted help.
I feel hurt that she didn’t involve me at all. Now she’s upset I haven’t tried it on and says I’m being ungrateful. Family is saying I should just try it on to make her happy, but it feels like she made a big decision about my wedding without me.
She let my two older sisters have their wedding dress moments and she didn’t even bother to ask me what I wanted. AITA for refusing to try it on?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
Reading4LifeForever said:
NTA For many brides, picking "the dress" is a big moment. It's totally normal to want that. Your mom is being controlling. There's a certain type of controlling/abusive/unsafe person who uses gifts for control.
So this is the parent who will throw their child a lavish princess party when their kid wanted a dog themed-party instead. It's particularly insidious and hard to deal with because, on the surface, what the other person is doing can seem very generous and the recipient can seem ungrateful.
Because, hey it was a great party or a free wedding dress. Who wouldn't want that? To observers, the recipient often seems ungrateful or greedy because they don't see the bigger pattern and don't understand what's really going on.
Hold firm. I'd recommend profusely thanking your mom for the dress, but that you'd always dreamed of trying on wedding dresses and picking "the one" yourself. Anything she hits you with "but I paid for it," "you'd make so so happy," etc. hit her with a combination of "yes, but I'm still doing..." It tends to confuse people when you use the affirmative and then also deny them.
WhiteKnightPrimal said:
NTA. Sell or donate the dress and go have your wedding dress moment where you buy a dress you actually like and that's in your style. Tell mum, and anyone else having a go, that it's your wedding...
And you have the right to choose your own dress, not be forced into a dress that clearly isn't your style that you had zero say in just because someone who isn't getting married and has no say wants you to. Refuse to discuss it further.
Talk to your partner about all this, as well, make it clear that this wedding should be full of the things the two of you want, not what others think you should want, and your mum gets zero say from now on. You need a united front to keep this day about the two of you and what you want and prevent it being hijacked by your mother, or anyone else, until it becomes a day you both hate.
VariousTry4624 said:
NTA. While she might have "meant" well, the reality is it is a HUGE overstep on her part--something that if she has any social awareness at all she would know. And frankly I'm not convinced she meant well to begin with. It come across as a huge control grab on her part...either that or she wants to start a fight.
You have no obligation to make her "happy" about this. It will only encourage more stupid (or, more likely, deliberately bad) behavior. Give it away and get your own. And best wishes for your wedding.
Chloe-spark said:
NTA. It’s totally understandable to want to have your own experience picking out a wedding dress, especially since it’s something you’ve been looking forward to. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to want to be part of that decision-making process. I hope your mom understands that this is about you feeling heard and respected, and I’m sure you’ll find a way to work through this together.
LowBalance4404 said:
You might want to consider changing the locks to your home so that she can't just drop by and hang things in your closet. Plus, you are 28. I'd just hand the dress back and continue on with your plan to go dress shopping. NTA.
Bittybellie said:
NTA. Just give her her dress back and book an appt to try some on yourself. “Mom you left this in my closet for some reason, here you go! No, I haven’t chosen a dress yet so it’s not mine”. Also change your locks. Your mom doesn’t need access to your home.
ProfessorDistinct835 said:
NTA. Is your mom always like this? Because that is some next level weird behavior. Boundary setting sounds like it's going to be absolutely key in the run-up to the wedding. Plus passwords, etc.
Later, OP provided a mini update:
I see a lot of comments about me changing my lock but I wanted to clarify that I found this wedding dress in my childhood closet in my parents house. They kept all our rooms the same so sometimes I store clothes that don’t fit me in there. That is when I found the wedding dress my mom intended for me. For everyone asking about the cost:
I actually don’t know how much the dress cost. I didn’t ask, and honestly, I didn’t want to know. The dress isn’t my style at all, and I’d probably be horrified to find out how much was spent on something I had no say in and don’t even like.
Based on how my mom usually shops, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was over $500-$1000, but again — this whole situation isn’t really about the price tag. It’s about not being included in such a personal decision and feeling like my preferences didn’t matter.