Bride refuses to tell mother-in-law the truth about why she's not invited the wedding. AITA?
"AITA for not telling my mother-in-law I don’t want to invite her to our wedding?"
My (40f) fiancé (43m) wants me to call and have a discussion with his mother about my (our!) desire to elope. He let her know that’s what we plan to do and he said she wasn’t happy about it but ultimately it doesn’t matter because it’s our decision. She lives in another state and I’ve met her in person once. Love her - she’s great! Zero issues with her.
We were having a discussion trying to decide on our elopement date and he said: “My mom won’t be happy about it. But that’s ok. I know you have to come first. But I think it’s fair that you at least talk to her and tell her that’s what you want. I’ve got your back.”
I was immediately taken back. What? You want me to call your mom and defend my decision to elope? I don’t want to do that. At all. I honestly wish she didn’t even know that we planned to elope.
I want to elope for many reasons but ultimately I am an introvert and I do not like being the center of attention at all, I find it very uncomfortable. I want to have a very small and intimate elopement with only our kids in attendance (I have a daughter and he has two sons).
If we invite his mom then we have to invite my mom and stepdad, and then his dad, and his brother/wife/kids, then my brother/wife/kids…. and so on. I want to keep it just our small family unit so that I can be in the moment with no distractions, and no pressure to “put on a show."
And I do not want to have to call her and “defend” my decision because I am a super empath and people pleaser and easily influenced, and I feel like having a discussion with her about my plans to elope will either leave me with uneasy feelings/ guilt as I walk down the aisle OR me caving and extending her an invite.
My fiancé strongly desires me to call and talk to her about it beforehand….so, AITA for not wanting to call her and have this conversation?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Kalzira said:
I don’t get it. It sounds like he already told his mom and she accepted it (albeit grudgingly), why are you now responsible for “defending” this position that doesn’t need defending?
This sounds like the beginning of a pattern of him foisting difficult conversations or potential confrontations onto your plate, even when they are his responsibility.
It also sounds like despite leading YOU to think the elopement was a mutual decision, he may be singing a different tune to his mother. “I don’t want to elope but she does” etc etc. This is all super fishy. NTA. Time to have a frank conversation with future hubby about why he thinks this is your duty to handle.
Kalzira said:
NTA - But you know by now that your future husband doesn't have your back at all. He is in cahoots with Mommy Dearest to change your mind to invite all the others with her. The call sole purpose is to browbeat you that end. That is what is going on here. And really that raises a huge red flag IMHO.
Are you sure this guy is really the one you want to marry if he is going to play these type of games against you with his family? I would really do some soul searching on this relationship. And no, don't make the call. Star Wars: Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!"
bokatan778 said:
NTA. It’s his mom, HE should be the one having the conversation. It sounds like she’s upset about it so he’s trying to blame you, which isn’t okay. He needs to take responsibility for the decision you both made and grow a spine.
Snurgisdr said:
NTA. That's his conversation to have. Also elopement means getting married in secret, which this clearly isn't. You just want a very small and private wedding, which is fine.
PumpkinPowerful3292 said:
NTA - But you know by now that your future husband doesn't have your back at all. He is in cahoots with Mommy Dearest to change your mind to invite all the others with her. The call sole purpose is to browbeat you that end. That is what is going on here.
And really that raises a huge red flag IMHO. Are you sure this guy is really the one you want to marry if he is going to play these type of games against you with his family? I would really do some soul searching on this relationship. And no, don't make the call. Star Wars: Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!"
MoonbeamAmor said:
NTA. Your fiancé should handle his family. It's odd he wants you to justify a decision you've both made. Stick to your plan if eloping feels right for you. You deserve a stress-free wedding day without having to defend your choices.