'AITA for not wanting my future MIL to bring her dogs when she's in town for our wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my future MIL to bring her dogs when she's in town for our wedding?"
My fiance and I are supposed to be getting married this summer. We live in the Midwest, and his Mom and her husband live down south. Me and my fiance rent a nice house that's a one bedroom, we also have 3 dogs of our own. My fiance is a truck driver and is out of state 4-5 days a week. He called me from his hotel last night and told me plans with his mom changed.
She called a few days ago and said that her original arrangements for her stay on the week of the wedding fell through and asked if she can stay with us and if she can bring her dogs with her. She has 8 dogs. My fiance told her yes without asking me about it. I told him she could stay, but a total of 11 dogs is too much.
Also, it's our wedding week and it's going to be hectic as it is and I don't want to worry about playing hostess and taking care of our dogs and hers (this has happened before) again. He is refusing to see my point, so I even went as far as to say if she shows up with 8 dogs, I'm telling our landlord.
He called me an AH and said I was bashing his mom, and if I backstab him and his mom like that, the wedding is off. I lost my temper and yelled back, " Then go and marry your mom then. The wedding is off!!" And hung up.
Am I the AH and let me temper get the best of me and threatening to bring our landlord into it? Part of me feels like I am overreacting, but the other half says my reasons are valid. I'm heartbroken, so please, no hateful comments. Thank you for listening.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
KronkLaSworda said:
NTA and your reasons are valid. He said yes to hosting his mom the week of your wedding AND her 8 dogs, without your input. That's a text first, at the very least.
This is a clear example of "It takes 1 no for a no, and 2 yes answers for a yes" situation that couples have to manage. He just put his mom's convenience above yours, and you're right to call the wedding off for now. This is a big deal and a hill worth dying on.
EJ_1004 said:
NTA. Don’t feel bad about this. He called you not to ask but to TELL you his Mom was coming to stay with her 8 dogs without considering your opinion or how you would feel. Then when you respectfully explained to him your thought process which is reasonable, he decided to verbally disrespect you and threaten your relationship status.
For me, your response “marry your Mother then” is correct, as it is clear he values his Mother more than you judging by his actions.
This shouldn’t be the case if you’re going to be his wife, you shouldnt have to wait for a Mrs title for him to be considerate and put you first. For me, that would be a dealbreaker because I believe in seeing people for how they are and using that to decide how my future will look like.
The version of your partner that I just read about, granted this is a small snippet, isn’t one that I would let ANY of my friends or enemies marry because that man does not appear to be ready for marriage.
You can either confront him in person or over the phone but the message should be the same “I will not have a spouse who refuses to listen to my concerns and disrespects me when I don’t agree with it.
I don’t want to be a divorcee in the future and there are qualities my partner needs to have in order for me to feel comfortable, secure, and capable of giving and receiving love in my relationships. After our argument over the phone I am unsure if that man is you.” Honestly, when he gets home I think you shouldn’t be there. If he wants to pick his Mom let him.
BulbasaurRanch said:
No, NTA. Him making a unilateral decision this large isn’t a great sign. Expecting someone to host with 8 dogs is wildly poor judgement. Your Mother in Law is super bold to think this was an acceptable request at all. I support your stance.
anonymom135 said:
What? Three adults and ELEVEN dogs in a one-bedroom house? While you're having your WEDDING? This is craziness. NTA at all for protesting that. You both let emotions fly but hopefully you can talk through it and come to an understanding that will not have you living in stressed misery for your wedding.
Specialist_Bit_703 said:
NTA. I agree with you. This is way too much to put in a person under normal circumstances. 11 dogs? I had 1 that kept me busy. If he's always putting her up on a pedestal like this and expecting you to host her and take care of them (as you stated you have before) it won't change.
My main issue is his snapping about calling off the wedding if you refuse without even considering everything you already have going. The most important/busy week of your life this far and he expects you to cater to MIL and a zoo. He doesn't respect your feelings or your time clearly and this will keep happening with MIL. I'm sorry.
ShiloX35 said:
NTA. Your bethrothed thinks saying no his mom is stabbing him in the back. He has shown you who is most important to him. It is up to you decide if you want to be a marriage like that. Good luck.
Pleasant_Test_6088 said:
NTA! I'm so sorry this is happening. You are definitely not overreacting. It is an outrageous ask on the part of MIL but people do ask outrageous things. Unfortunately, your fiancé did not consider all that the run up to a wedding entails nor did he consider the stress on you.
He should have asked you first. When you expressed your opinion, instead of acknowledging your concerns he started name calling and making threats. That is a hard NOPE. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. I know you are hurting right now but you deserve so much better. Please reconsider this marriage.
N_Who said:
NTA. He should have consulted you. Eleven dogs is some straight-up nonsense, especially during a wedding week and especially in a small home with three dogs already in it. And, while this isn't an advice sub, I'm worried you two were already hanging by a thread if you can be so flippant and easy about calling off the wedding.
UPDATE:
I spoke to my fiance on the phone this evening, and we were on the phone for almost three hours. We didn't yell or scream at each other. I did cry because I'm just so overwhelmed with everything going on, and I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
He said after claiming down, he sees my point and agreed with me on having that amount of dogs here is just too much and the last two times she has been here with her dogs before was miserable.
We agreed that we would tell her together. We had a 3-way call with his mom, and he told her that bringing dogs is just not a good idea. He explained that not only will it just be too overwhelming, and we BOTH agree it's not a good idea. She surprisingly understood and agreed that she could have her friend watch the bigger dogs, and her mom should be able to watch her small dogs.
After we hung up with her, I told him I really appreciated him calling and talking to his mom. I explained that from going forward, that when it comes to things like this, we HAVE to discuss it with each other first.
I want a partner who considers me and my feelings as much as I consider his. He said that he completely agreed and that he didn't mean for everything to turn out the way it did, and he apologized for everything that he said in anger.
As far as the wedding, we agreed to postpone for now. We both want to work on our communication with one another, and he does believe that he has some stuff he needs to work on, as well as myself. I'm hoping for the best.
Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of your day to comment on here, and I appreciate everyone's opinions and points of view. It definitely has opened my eyes. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again. Again, thank you all so much.