'AITA for turning down my stepdad's offer to walk me down the aisle?'
"AITA for turning down my stepdad's offer to walk me down the aisle?"
I (27f) have chosen to walk down the aisle alone on my wedding day. The decision was made for two reasons. My dad died when I was 7 and he would be my number one choice if he were alive but he's not and two, my mom has made it perfectly clear that she would find it disrespectful to my stepdad if she walked me down the aisle and so would not do it.
Given that both my parents are out and I don't want to ask my paternal grandparents to do too much, my grandma and I are already sharing a special dance, walking alone is what I feel the most comfortable doing.
I could ask my stepdad and even when I contemplated my decision, I knew he would want to do it. But it would make me sad to have him walk me instead of my dad if I'm honest.
I think my stepdad is a good man and he has tried his very best to be a dad for me. But I didn't want a dad when I lost mine. I wanted my dad. Nobody else was ever going to be able to fill that role in my heart.
I asked my mom and stepdad if they would like to do a joint toast or two separate ones and whether they would like to walk down the aisle/dance to specific songs. While discussing this my stepdad asked who I would be walking with and I told him I was walking alone.
He offered to do it and I said it was a lovely offer but I would walk alone. He pressed me on why and I said it felt like the best option. He said it would mean the world to him if he could do it, if just once he could feel like he's a real dad and not just second place to my dad. I told him I understood but it was not an option on the table.
He said he was already being shamed by having to watch me dance with my grandma when it should be a father/daughter dance. But to have everyone watch me walk alone when they know I have a stepdad is going to send a very big message.
I know people will ask about details on our relationship, etc. I met my stepdad when I was 9 and he married my mom when I was 10. He offered to adopt me and give me his last name and I turned him down five times in the 8 years I lived with them. He was married before my mom and he lost his wife and unborn baby in an accident.
He was also made sterile by the same accident. He always longed to be a dad. We got along well but our relationship was always more to him than it was to me. Where he sees a daughter and wants a daughter, I see a good man and someone who is a great spouse to my mom and is good to me, but does not fill the father role he wants to emotionally for me.
Physically, he did. But emotionally I never felt like he was my dad and everyone in our lives is aware that I feel as though I have one dad and my stepdad is my stepdad.
My mom and stepdad are not paying or contributing to the wedding in any way. My fiancé and I both have savings and we're putting those into the wedding. Though our wedding will be smallish since we want to prioritize other things. My mom and stepdad say I am rude and heartless for turning down the offer. AITA?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
u/DiligentDefinition33, could you please explain what you were offering/talking to your mom and stepdad about when you were having this conversation? Most of your post indicates that you didn't want your stepdad doing the traditionally "dad" wedding things, and had already made arrangements that didn't include him in those slots, so this line seems unclear.
DiligentDefinition33 OP responded:
The thing about mom walking me down the aisle happened years ago. I made an offhanded comment to my mom and she made her stance very clear that she would not be walking me down the aisle and it would be incredibly disrespectful. I wasn't even with my fiance at the time. But my mom was strongly against it.
The discussion about them walking down the aisle together was more recent and I did genuinely want input from them both.
Ah, so maybe I misunderstood. Was it as u/WeOnceWereWorriers described and you were offering to have them both walk you down the aisle?
DiligentDefinition33 OP responded:
Not both walking me down the aisle but them walking down the aisle together ahead of me. I thought they could have their own song to do it to as well
Timely_Proposal_1821 said:
NTA - the only rude ones are your mom and stepdad. While I can definitely sympathize with him, he is making your wedding about himself. He may be a good man, but he's definitely very selfish in this particular case.
Stand your ground, it is your wedding. Your dad must have been amazing and I am sure he'll want you to be happy on that day (and every other day).
rchart1010 said:
Being a stepparent is truly a thankless job. You're NTA but I really feel for your step-dad.
ghjkl098 said:
NAH You can choose to have your wedding whichever way you are comfortable. But as a parent I can understand why he would be upset. I think most people severely underestimate how much their parents have done for them until they parent themselves. It must hurt to know that the child you would die for doesn’t really care too much.
Intelligent_Gain2802 said:
YTA - you can do whatever you want. But this man was in your life more than your dad. I feel like you love the memory of your father and you literally throw step dad to the side because your dad wasn't there.
So the fact you denied it on both because of something you couldn't control. I honestly cannot imagine doing this to yourself and step dad. I mean this is honestly showing how it goes priority wise in your life.