Bride reveals to husband that his vows 'humiliated' her; He says, 'What do you WANT from me? I have ANXIETY!' AITA?

When this bride is very upset by her husband's vows, she asks the internet:

"AITA For Telling My Husband I Didn't Like His Vows?"

So got married a year ago. I had my vows written months before the wedding. Of course my husband (who I had been dating for 10 years) waited till a week before and had his brother look it over. (His brother is historically terrible at giving advice).

Let me just say that big moments are not my husband's thing. The first time he said "I love you" was over Facebook. He tried to rush our marriage proposal and there was a hired photographer in my face the whole time. Whom I thought was a very rude bystander at the time.

So I guess this proposal was so very much fitting of my husband. I'm pretty sure he gets it from his dad. (Who one family Christmas party got drunk and told his entire family how he used to bang his now wife who is basically the mother Mary of Catholics)

So big day and half a year of me and my mom planning. Had over 200 people mostly his ginormous and awesome family and children there (this is important). His family is way bigger than mine. And it has taken me years to get over my anxiety around them.

Everything is great except I can barely breathe because my seamstress made my dress to tight. (Went fuzzy when I first put it on) I say my vows which were really straight to the point but from the heart. My husband has told me these kinds of things make him very nervous. He has anxiety and what do I want from him bla bla.

Husband starts off okay talking about how we met. Okay no biggie pretty normal. (Warning rated PG13) Then gets into his favorite stories one of which is how he one day came home work and saw me posing naked taking pictures of myself.

(I am a hobby artist, so I use pictures of myself to get a pose and light right. Note that I have never shown my family my art and have told my husband I am extremely uncomfortable about the idea of it).

Needless to say I was mortified. My grandparents and parents were, of course, there along with about 20 children. I had decided that I would let absolutely nothing ruin my day that day so I just got past it and went to the next thing.

The end of his vows were actually perfect and from the heart. The rest of the wedding went off without a hitch we both had a great time and I get lots of good comments to this day.

But I have said a few times how I would have preferred he had kept that out if the vows. I've told him how I wish he had just stuck to the end of his vows which I loved. AITA?

Edit: he has said he feels bad and I don't bring it up we were watching a movie yesterday that had a vow scene and he brought it up. But when he says he feels bad I say something like "yea it woulda been nice if you left that out". I'm afraid I'm hurting his feelings when I say this. Should I lie and say it doesn't bother me?

Let's see what readers thought:

faaa89 writes:

NTA. I find when someone else keeps bringing up instances where they clearly did something wrong, it's because they're trying to get you to make them feel better about what they did.

Whether he's doing it consciously or unconsciously, he's trying to alleviate his own guilt about the situation by bringing it up until you say it was okay.

Instead of you giving in to his demands for reassurance that he didn't screw things up so badly, maybe the next time he brings it up you should try to make the conversation more productive.

You could try something like "You seem to bring that up a lot. While I get you feel guilty over it, it's probably better to work on ways for something like that not to happen again rather than us both feeling bad about the part which disappointed me." Then together, come up with a list of ways for things like this not to happen in the future.

Because if it was me, I'd like to know he learned from these instances where he embarrassed me/made me feel uncomfortable. Feeling bad and guilty, but not doing anything to change how he handles future instances doesn't demonstrate learning- it just demonstrates him feeling bad.

Things you might talk about being ways to prevent this again could be stuff like "no more surprises" or "no stories above a PG rating", or "talk to me for advice, not your brother". Whatever would make you feel more comfortable and like you were both on the same page.

gra7 writes:

ESH. he could have left it out of his vows (but probably changed them mistakenly thinking you’d be touched by personalizing it with a fun anecdote and probably not deliberately to embarrass you) and gone with something more traditional, but you don’t need to keep bringing it up.

it’s alright that you didn’t like his vows, and it’s alright to feel however you feel, but you’re not doing any favours for your own sanity or your relationship’s health to bring it up over and over. you’ve got to let it go, op.

garty writes:

YTA. A few times? How many is a few? As I saw others mention, if you had reasonable expectation he would f it up because this is a weak spot for the man you love, maybe encouraging he look over it with someone other than his brother would have been proactive.

When it comes to something like this were the f up cannot be unfd, I think you should get to address it once and not hold back in how it made you felt. Make yourself heard loud and clear, by all means.

Bringing it up multiple times means it is something he can never effectively move past it and incentivizes him to look for an opportunity to take special offense to something you do and never let it go.

faaaagty writes:

ESH. He showed really poor judgement on your wedding day, but you have shown it in the time since then. If you really think about it, what is it you're hoping to accomplish by bringing it up? Can't unspill the milk, as it were, so it seems like you just kinda wanna punish him.

I didn't really like my now-wife's proposal. Nothing wrong with it, per se, and if I described it you would say it sounds incredible, but it just didn't have anything to do with me in it.

I am pretty sure she knows I didn't really like it, because she's asked me about it a few times. But I will lie through my teeth until my dying day rather than hurt her feelings. I would've married her if she'd asked me on a post it note, a million times over, and it's not worth it to bring something up that can't be changed and would only hurt her feelings.

carolein76 writes:

YTA for continuing to bring this up. He’s definitely clueless, I don’t think he should have brought that story up, but based on his previous behaviour, you knew what he’s like in these types of moments.

I don’t think his behaviour amounts to asshole behaviour. But lord, a year later, and you keep telling him how much you didn’t like his vows? It’s too much. How long do you let this bother you for?

vanitay writes:

NTA. I don’t think I’ve ever disagreed with the general consensus so much, what he said in front of everyone was embarrassing and I don’t blame you for being mortified and having trouble letting it go.

collmonsta writes:

i’d say NAH, it’s understandable you’d feel the way you do- the only thing that makes him not an asshole is that no one else seemed to see any issues with it. it was embarrassing for you, but you said he rounded it out with the perfect ending.

I too would have been mortified if I’d been in that situation. Also important to note most of the people commenting are people who don’t see what the big deal is about a man “undressing” his wife in front of a large group of ppl lol, it’s incredibly distasteful.

It’s very hard to let go of embarrassing moments, I’m sure everyone can relate to laying in bed and all of a sudden you’re catapulted into an embarrassing memory.

It’s normal to still feel embarrassed by it, but if your husbands since apologized for making you uncomfortable and speaking about you in such an intimate light, you gain nothing from bringing it up.