Bride won't let 'sociopathic' sister be a bridesmaid; mom & dad shocked, 'Seriously? She's dying of cancer.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this bride is not willing to let her "evil sister" be her bridesmaid despite her terminal illness, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for saying no to my sister being my only bridesmaid?"
I (24f) did not ask my sister (26f) to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I decided to have just one and I asked my best friend who is more of a sister to me than my actual sister.
I never wanted my sister to be a bridesmaid or to have a role as such in my wedding. And I got engaged in 2020 when it was just me and my fiancé living together for the first time and we had nowhere to go and nothing to do for a few months so I thought about it a lot but I couldn't imagine asking her.
There are two "problems" my family have. The first part is my sister is the favorite and my parents could not imagine me not wanting her to take center stage and become the center of attention at my wedding.
My whole life I have heard how beautiful my sister is. She modelled as a kid and her appearance was always something a spotlight was put on. She was the star of the family and she loved it.
She always had a way to drag attention off others to herself. I was seen as the ugly duckling and my sister had a way of "nicely" picking on that.
If I went out with friends she would say I should wear makeup to look nice or she would suggest I should try to make myself look cute. She would say she was really glad nobody thought we looked alike.
I started dating my fiancé in high school and it was one of the few times I was dragged to a party. He approached me and started flirting and then my sister came over and told him that he deserved the pretty sister.
He rejected her and we ended up leaving together, and we've been together ever since. But she brought it up when he came home with me for Christmas in 2019 and she joked that it wasn't too late. But I think she was serious.
Despite all this my parents believe we should be super close and I should adore my sister.
The other "problem" is my sister was diagnosed with cancer 4 months ago. The treatments have ruined her hair and she has developed some other health complications from treatment. She could die potentially.
So now everyone feels so bad for her and is gathered around her trying to make her feel as beautiful as ever and they want her to shine. So my parents feel like I should want to help her out by shining that light on her during the wedding.
But I don't want that. I know she's sick but I'm convinced my sister's a sociopath on some level. I don't want her to steal the show, and she would. AITA?
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
youtasia65 writes:
Tell your family you think your sister being a bridesmaid would be too stressful for her, in her delicate condition. Tell them you want her to concentrate on herself and not overextend, and you won’t consider making her your bridesmaid, (much less your only bridesmaid) because you want what is best for her.
Maybe she can tend to the address book. or something. If she is up to it, on the day.(Isn’t the address book where you put the least desirable/competent of your relatives or friend group you are obligated to include?) Lol and NTA. Annnd this whole debacle is another reason some people just elope.
whitestauton writes:
NTA but get smart. "Mum Dad sister, I am having only one bridesmaid, it is going to be a lot of work. Sister has her health to consider. She should be focusing on getting better not having to run around after me and I will need the help on and before the day."
Now here is where you get clever and sneaky. Give her "one moment to shine" but control it.
"What I would really love is if she could do this reading at my ceremony, but if she is not feeling well enough on the day if mum/dad/great aunt Sue could be on standby that would be wonderful and take the pressure off her"
By doing this you get your family off your back don't upset anyone and appear really caring and thoughtful and you have filled a role in the service.
trainingday writes:
NTA. Your family is trying to hijack your wedding to make this all about your sister and her drama. Your wedding isn't about your family - they are just there to witness and support you in your moment!!!!
Your wedding is about you and your fiance, taking the 'next big step' into your future lives together. Whatever is going on with your sister has nothing to do with your wedding and should NOT have any place at your event.
If your parents want to do something special for your sister, they can plan an appropriate Celebration of her life on their own, some other place, some other time. Stand your ground and put a stop to their nonsense.
Having your sister as your bridesmaid will only skew your entire wedding into something else, which is unfair to you and to your fiance.
mifflewhat writes:
NTA. Tell your parents that you don't want to hurt your sister, but you're not giving her your wedding to be the star at.
Don't sugarcoat it, and don't use language that allows any room for argument or negotiation - don't say "I want/don't want", or even "I intend/don't intend". Speak as if it is already a done deal: "I am doing this. I am not doing that."
You might also want to talk to your friends, and any other future guests who might be sympathetic, about how to head off any attempts at spotlighting your sister, before the event comes.
Maybe you could let her have two or more spotlight moments at times you don't care about anyway - for example, arrange something that will spotlight her before your walk down the aisle, and then another one at the reception...
right after the photos, before before the speeches & things start. (If she's already been "celebrated", it will look greedy of her to keep wanting attention, so the guests will be less inclined to cooperate...
though if your sister is a major attention hog, maybe one of your friends or relatives can agree in advance to run interference if/when she starts doing anything that threatens your event).
tinypest writes:
Nta. To family. I am ashamed of you all. My entire life has always been about my sister being better. Being beautiful and me ugly. It has always been her center stage and the most important.
Now, on the ONE day that should be about me, you are once again making this about her. Over and over.
Because you seem to think I and the person I am marrying should make our wedding about her as of now all three of you are uninvited. As bad as it is to do this to me, I absolutely will not let you do so to my fiance.
I am ashamed of your desires for her to be the spotlight would allow you to show his family just how bad parents youvare. Show that you will put her above a new family member. Show just how entitled the 3 of you feel to my and his day to make her happy. Never mind about me. You know the other child you have.
So not only are you uninvited, but I will be taking a step back from contact from all of you for a while. If any family sides with you, then they will be included. My health and happiness are more important than making her feel she is the most important.
I deserve to be loved. To be supported. To be shown, I am important. As you have shown my entire life that can not I will be creating my own family that will show me this.
Then do it. It will be hard, but hunny, it's time to take a stand and support yourself and your partner. Them wanting her as center of attention at your wedding is absolutely disrespecting your partner and their family.
They don't care and as harsh as that is its time to walk away from this and live YOUR life with love and happiness.
Then, OP provides this major update after her parents intervene:
My parents asked me about bridesmaids a few weeks ago. I told them I had asked my best friend. Me being dumb, I didn't realize where it was going and my parents told me to ask my sister and let her be the only bridesmaid.
They said my best friend should understand and be happy to step aside. The following day my sister told me she wanted to be by my side when I get married and how we're sisters and stuff and she also tried to say she didn't know if she would be here next year so this would be so special to her.
I said no to all three of them. I said she will not be my bridesmaid or my only bridesmaid. Ever since I said no they have acted like I'm some monster for this and they have shamed me heavily. It makes me question my saying no. AITA?
Readers had more to say about this update:
mrfruitfly writes:
NTA. My suggestion is to just not engage in the conversation anymore. You want your friend at your side, you don't want your sister, she is (currently) invited to the wedding, and so there is nothing wrong with not having her.
The reason being that she deserves a "spotlight" is an even more valid reason not to have her- this is your wedding. So no, you are not a bad person for not having her.
But now, stop engaging with them about it. You deserve peace and happiness. Tell your parents first- the fact that you want my wedding- the one day that really is about just me and my partner- to be about her, demonstrates a lack of care for ME, and I deserve to be cared for.
So no, she won't be a bridesmaid, not because I am punishing her, but because this is MY day and I want my best friend with me. Can you let this go or are you going to try and guilt me and make me feel bad?
Now honestly, I worry you are going to make a scene at my wedding and try and make sister the center of attention. Can you assure me you will stop talking about this and not do that? If not, I have to reconsider invitations entirely (only say this if they give you a bad answer).
Once you have said that, say no more. Someone brings it up, fully exit the conversation.
No matter if it is a new person raising this or your parents bringing it up again, simply say "My best friend is my bridesmaid and I am so excited to have her up there with me and to celebrate with all of you."
Then literally walk away from any other conversation. This is tough, but effective- don't answer the text, redirect the convo (I just said it would be my friend, did you know the venue is haunted!) or...
fully ignore it by walking away or not responding and instead saying something off topic (we call this "pass the potatoes" where you don't respond to what is asked at all and instead say "pass the potatoes please" to demonstrate at a family dinner you are over the topic).
Then, have a few trusted friends ready to run interference and make sure essential people know you have trouble on your hands- DJ is not allowed to give ANYONE the mic, no special dance requests, photographer can't go off with them, and friends to ensure they don't get up to mischief and kind of help you keep some distance.
And then just make your time with these people scarce and surround yourself with people who love and care for you, and congratulations!
onemorecooke7 writes:
NTA they are trying to make it all about her. This day is NOT about her. It’s about you and your husband. So stay strong and if they try to suck all the joy from it you can always elope.
If they bring it up again tell them you don’t want your sister to be stressed because that’s not good for her recovery so you want her to relax and be a guest rather than running around with your massive list of tasks like your best friend will be doing.
And otherwise just shut it down. “We’ve already had this conversation and I havnt changed my mind. This is not up for discussion."