Bride tells dad; 'You're NOT allowed to give a speech at my wedding.' AITA? UPDATED

When this bride to be is upset with her father, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my dad he's not allowed to give his speech at my wedding?"

My fiancée and I (both 20s) are getting married in a month and there's a dispute with my dad now and he claims I'm being unfair, but I wanted to get some thoughts on it.

So dad decided he was going to give a speech at the wedding without saying anything first. He had shared the contents of said speech with his sister, my aunt, and she knew the speech would not sit well with me and mentioned his plan to me.

So in this speech he already wrote he talks a lot about how his wife is the love of his life, how amazing she is, etc. It's very similar to the speech he gave at their vow renewal 10 years ago.

He hasn't shied away from expressing in front of me and to me that he never loved anyone like he loved his wife, how all his past relationships pale in comparison.

And that includes my mom who was his first wife, who left him widowered with an 8 year old son at the time. To make it even more difficult to hear.

The vow renewal was held on my 18th birthday and I got to celebrate my birthday by hearing dad talk about how mom meant nothing because his second wife was so much better.

They were married 8 years at the time. But a lot of family and friends didn't attend their actual wedding and they decided they'd basically have a second one to celebrate and they decided my birthday was the perfect time to do this.

Anyway, the speech he wrote for my wedding had a lot of this content from what my aunt heard from my dad and read herself. She knew on my wedding day the last thing I needed to hear was how much he adores his wife when he does so in a way that basically said my mom meant nothing to him.

I told him I knew about the speech and he didn't have permission to give the speech at my wedding. Dad asked why not and I told him I didn't want him to use my wedding to praise his wife. He said she means the world to us so why would I say that. I told him she means the world to him.

But she pales in comparison to my mom who meant the world to me and still does. I told him he might have decided mom meant nothing but that didn't mean I shared his feelings.

He accused me of being sensitive and then said it seemed like I didn't care about his wife at all, and then he said she was a good mom to me for the 8 years she raised me. I told him she was never anything more than his wife.

My mom died when I was 8 and I didn't get a new one. And the last thing I need to hear is how little she meant on my wedding day.

Dad told me to be reasonable and the parents of the bride and groom typically say something. I told him nothing he had to say had a place at my wedding. That this is mine and my fiancée's wedding, not his. I told him to get married again if all he wants to do is praise his wife. But it was not happening at mine.

He told me to stop acting like a little boy and grow up. I left. Then his wife called crying about the fight dad and I had. Which led to dad calling me again and telling me to grow up again. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

gartedd writes:

I'd talk to his wife and explain the situation. I'd be mortified if I was her, and tell him to not mention me at all. But if she's narcissistic (which would account for the dad's irrational need to praise her

[edit: also why there is no mention of your mother, and why they keep stealing the attention from your celebration days]) she'll think you have the problem. And if that's the case then you're right to enforce no speech. NTA.

agrestt writes:

NTA. It's YOUR wedding. Your father is the one being insensitive here and "acting like a little boy." Even if he had good intentions when he wrote the speech, your talk with him should have made it very clear that it would be inappropriate to say those things at YOUR wedding.

He needs to swallow his pride and accept that on YOUR wedding day, everything should be focused on elevating YOU and your fiance, not his wife, and certainly not on downplaying the importance of YOUR mother.

anrtelope43 writes:

You are NTA 100%. Your dad is behaving like a narcissist. It’s all about him, apparently as usual. Him calling you sensitive is a giant red flag and typical of someone who thinks only his feelings matter.

I would have people ready to escort him out in real time if you still even want to include him.

I’m so sorry this is the one parent you have left. At some point you should read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it will help you going forward see a lot of his likely behavior for what it is, as well as identify any unhealthy habits you may have learned but don’t want to bring into your adult /healthy relationships.

I’m sorry your mom passed, if I were you I’d reserve a seat with her photo /flower on it to honor her memory at your wedding and reception. Front and center. And have the officiant include her in their remarks. Congratulations!

hellwiftard writes:

NTA. Just out of curiosity, and it doesn't change my view/judgment of you in the slightest, did they also get married on your 10th birthday? Just trying to figure out how long they have been trying to erase your milestones for......

I had 2 stepmothers, and they are both good people who would be horrified by this scenario. And my stepfather and I still talk (positively) about his first wife who he lost to cancer at a very young age.

He never had kids with his first wife, was an amazing stepdad to us, and Dad to my half brother, his child with my mother. Your father and stepmother are cruel beyond understanding....

The Evil Stepmother trope in Fairytales was meant as a warning, not a goal to aim for.....

If they come to your wedding, make sure the DJ knows to cut the if your father gets his hands on it, or play something to drown him out if he tries to go acoustic.......

I am so sorry that your father has seen fit to disrespect you and your mother so much, and if you make reference during your own speech to "My Mother, the first love of my life, who showed me who to strive to become when I grew up" I'm sure nobody will blame you (except Evil Stepmother, and her flying monkey, aka your father....)

Wishing you a drama-free wedding and a joyous marriage.