'AITA for telling my future in-laws they can't come on our honeymoon?'
"AITA for telling my future in-laws they can't come on our honeymoon?"
My future MIL has a very unhealthy relationship with my fiancé, we are LC with her since he says she makes him feel uncomfortable by her constantly hugging and kissing him and also using him as her therapist (she’s been doing this since he was young, using him to help her solve her adult problems).
She does this thing where she copies what I do to my fiancé, for instance, if I kiss his cheek she’ll find a way to do the same. I thought I was going crazy when I first noticed she does this so I tested it out by running my fingers through his hair and she did the same thing.
My fiancé is in therapy and says they have an emotionally incestuous relationship which is toxic for them both so he’s trying to set boundaries with her so they can have a healthy relationship. So far it’s not really working since she doesn’t understand why she can’t force him to hug and kiss her or use him to help with her issues anymore.
She cornered me at my future brother-in-law’s housewarming party and told me she feels like her and my fiancé’s relationship isn’t the same anymore, so she’d like to come on our honeymoon because he’ll be off work and they can talk things through and bond.
Obviously I said no that’s not happening and this grown woman was genuinely shocked I said no. She kept asking why, what are you guys going to be doing that her and future FIL can’t be with us.
She got the idea from Facebook apparently people have honeymoons with their friends now. I said we haven’t had two weeks to just be together since my fiancé got promoted at work a year ago, we’re both looking forward to being together.
She said why can’t we all just be together, we won’t be all that busy since we’ve been to the country we’re honeymooning in countless times, we’ve seen all the tourist attractions etc so why can’t she come.
She kept pestering me so I flat out told her I’d be sleeping with her son all day everyday, every inch of that villa so we won’t really have time for all the things she wants to do with my fiancé. I thought this would make her uncomfortable and she’d realise how crazy her request is. I was wrong she said that isn’t that exciting for us.
She said some other things which still make me cringe a week later. Future MIL offered a comprise, she’d come week two of our honeymoon and bond with her son since he has a high stress job and is constantly working. She even said we can be as loud as we want, they won’t mind. I told her we’d just like to be alone enjoying each other’s company, we can plan a holiday next year.
Future FIL called me to personally ask that they come even for 5 days so they can bond with my fiancé, they used to be so close. I explained that we would be busy and we could plan a holiday next year.
He seemed to understand but then messaged me at 1AM today to call me an AH who doesn’t care I’m ruining a mother and son’s relationship. Am I an AH? Future SIL called me to tell me her mother’s been crying for days because of what I said to her, she says to avoid more drama I should just give in because her mother will make my life a living hell. Should I?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
cthulularoo said:
Recipe for disaster. Your fiance should be the one dealing with his crazy parents, not you. The fact that they feel comfortable with cussing you out and making demands on you is a huge red flag. Your fiance needs to step up to put up clear boundaries and enforce them. I would not get married until the parents are corralled.
HarveySnake said:
NTA. You shouldn't even have to explain why anyone who isn't the bride or groom can't come on a honeymoon. I really hope your fiance can cut the umbilical cord. You need to go from LC to NC. This is so very unhealthy and its going to be a major reason why you will get divorced.
If_you_must_NO said:
You are NTA. “No” is a complete sentence. It’s completely whack-a-doo for her to invite herself to your honeymoon!
VarnishedTruths said:
NTA, but I'm begging you to postpone the marriage until your fiance can handle his parents by himself. Things will not get better after you're married.
TarzanKitty said:
NTA. I would change the destination or the dates and not let them know until after you return home. Don’t listen to SIL. Instead, you should read, “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.” The only way MIL can make your life miserable is if you and/or your DH allows her to.
RNGinx3 said:
NTA, and hell no, don't give in. You give her an inch, and not only will she take it a mile, but she'll learn that badgering you works, and do it whenever she wants her way in the future.
Tell her your marriage with fiance is one relationship, and her relationship with her son is a second, different relationship; she can have mother-son time when it does not interfere with husband-wife time.
Then block them. Let your husband deal with his crazy family. Important: Make sure he knows that he has your full support, but that anything that involves the two of you needs to be discussed before he agrees on something with her (i.e., coming on your honeymoon, paying her bills, allowing the baby to have a sleepover, her moving into your house, etc).
And that you will help him set boundaries, but if he gives in to her guilt tripping then you and baby will go stay in a hotel until she is dealt with, because you will not be subject to this for the rest of your lives.