Bride tells sister not to come to the wedding, 'she didn’t have the money for a dress.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister to just not come to my wedding?"
Hi I’ve been debating putting this on here because I know how vicious people can be but I need to know if I was in the wrong here. So I (28F) have an older sister Melly (32F) I got engaged 9 months ago and wedding preparations are well underway, we are set to marry this august.
A few weeks ago I approached some select friends and my sister Melly to be my bridesmaids. They all accepted and I was very excited, I made a groupchat to send dress inspo for them and me because i wanted to share my plans with my friends.
The pictures I sent were of a colour palette and styles, I told my bridesmaids to pick a color and stay sort of within the style of the dresses I thought looked nice and wrote that I would pay for it, because I have the means to do so and I thought it would be a nice thing to do.
My sister is very touchy about money, she doesn’t have a stable job and she often has to ask family members for help with bills etc. For the record I have never judged her for this and I have helped her in the past when needs be.
Melly saw the message i sent and immediately left the group chat which confused me so I messaged her privately and asked her why she left so abruptly and she said she didn’t need pity money from me, I was really upset that she took my gesture the wrong way and I told her that it wasn’t just for her I was paying for everyones dresses because I wanted to.
I told her that if she wanted to she could buy her own dress if that made her feel better and she said she didn’t have the money for a dress she would only wear once.
She then rang me and shouted that I was a pompous b and all sorts of other expletives. I just told her if she didn’t want to accept my offer then she didn’t have to be a bridesmaid and better yet if she wants to be nasty she can just not come at all.
Her best friend Eliza (33F) rang me and told me that what I said to Melly was so cruel and that I needed to apologize to her or she might never speak to me again. I'm fine if she wants to take off in a huff but I just want to make sure I'm not somehow in the wrong here, another perspective would be nice. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
nerdgirlnay said:
I think your sister’s insecurities are getting the best of her. It’s super common these days to help pay for your wedding party’s attire unless explicitly discussed ahead of time, especially if you’re requiring they wear a certain style or color. You didn’t do anything wrong. NTA.
No_Glove_1575 said:
NTA. You clearly didn’t single her out to pay for her dress. She is projecting her insecurities onto you in a cruel way. Kick her out of the bridal party unless she apologizes ASAP. And tell her enabling best friend Eliza to mind her business.
C_Majuscula said:
NTA. Melly isn't just touchy about money, she is a balloon looking for a pin. I would leave things as they are unless she apologizes and joins the rest of us in our reality.
Better2021Everyone said:
NTA. Oof. Your sister may be very sensitive about her poor financial situation, but that does not excuse her reading far more into your offer to pay than was actually intended, and it especially does not excuse her using you as her verbal punching bag. Ever.
Boundaries, they are beautiful things. All you can do is enforce them. How she chooses to respond, that is 100% on her. Don't allow people to push you into being responsible for her feelings and actions.
NoSalamander7749 said:
NTA. You didn't single her out so there's no reason she should take it so personally. Sounds like you handled it as well as you could've. Don't re-extend an invitation to her unless she apologizes, if you even want to.
corgihuntress said:
NTA. She flew off the handle and it's about her, not you. Or rather, she's jealous of you about maybe money, about maybe getting married, or who knows what. I don't think you need to apologize.
You might try talking to her to get to the bottom of it, but it doesn't seem like she's open to real conversation. She called you up to yell at you for paying for the bridesmaids dresses--all of them. it is a kindness and something to say how grateful you are to have these women in your life.