Bride is thinking of abruptly leaving fiancé after going through his phone; wedding is two months out. AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is freaked out by her fiancé's vibe leading up to the wedding and thinks she might want to call it off, she asks Reddit:
"My wedding is in two months, but I think I want to end it. AITA?"
Fiancé has been weird lately. Planned to get into the shower with me tonight, didn’t because I was “too fast”. I was in there for 15 minutes. When he got into the shower, I had to come back into the bathroom to get moisturizer.
Usually he turns on a podcast and jumps right in, but this time he was standing in front of the mirror with his phone.
Things haven’t been perfect, lots of wedding planning stress and garbage, but we were (I thought) both extremely excited to tie the knot after ten years together. We have a decent se% life, great connection, and genuine love for each other, or so I thought.
Got curious. Went through his phone. Found out he’s been snap chatting his female co worker because she snapped him at 2am tonight. His Snapchat notifications specifically are turned off completely. He has zero text messages from her.
The Snapchat message said “Aw, okie. Sweet dreams thanks for talking to me. Got another win!” (Talking about video games). I’ve omitted the cutesy pet name she called him because it makes me physically sick.
I screenshotted the message, and she replies lightning quick: “you still up Mr?” I reply and play it cool and pretend I’m him.
Nothing super juicy, but lots of lols and some hearts… she’s playing video games and wants ice cream, but has to go get some… He sees this woman all day at work. But apparently it’s common for them to talk in the middle of the night.
They’re on a 19 day streak of snapping back and forth. Most days I can’t even get a reply. Found deleted screenshots talking about recipes/food on Snapchat. Girl has her Snapchat location turned on, I see she lives on X street.
Funny, it’s the same street that he searched for on Google maps a couple weeks ago. Saw it in his history when I was mapping us to another address, didn’t think anything of it at the time.
Also found a deleted nude in his recently deleted that I certainly didn’t receive, who knows where that ended up. I don’t think he has the balls to send that to anyone, but who knows.
Haven’t slept. Have thrown up several times. Terrified that even if i address this with him, he will just be better at covering his tracks next time. I have given him ten years of my life. I’m 25.
Thank god we don’t have children. Just a house, two dogs, and ten years worth of memories…what I thought were good times. I thought he wanted to marry me. The wedding is supposed to happen in two months on our ten year anniversary. I don’t know what to do. I am f-g wrecked.
Before we give you OP's juicy updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
doukoutsu writes:
Don't do anything drastic. Basically everyone here on reddit leans on just leaving any kind of relationship where something goes seemingly wrong only once.
The reality is that you barely know anything of the situation and should research a lot more before the wedding happens. There are many ways you can learn if he's actually cheating instead of assuming that due to some text messages.
You can ask him if he's really in love with you and all those questions. You can visit his friend and talk to her about it. Get to know her and see if you can learn anything new.
You can text her some more and get her to spill some information. You can stalk him for a while. You can hire a private investigator to check if your boyfriend is cheating on you. (Btw, private investigators are very efficient in what they do, they can even learn just about everything about you without getting caught).
You can try relationship therapy. It works for some. Or, you can confront him. There are many ways to confront someone. Not just the aggressive way where you just start accusing him about everything.
But again, the internet is filled with people who's solution to everything is just breaking up with the person. They literally don't know any other way to solve these issues. Much less when they don't know the full story. The only person that can form a decision is you since you are in the position of the situation.
mediumtemp writes:
I was going to say it's wedding stress, tone back the planning before you start your marriage on a bad note. But then I read "Found out he’s been snap chatting his female co worker because she snapped him at 2am tonight". He's emotionally cheating at the very least. Maybe more since her address was on his history.
Leave him now, don't wish for what could have been because it won't be like that. Get out now while you can. Dont worry about money lost, don't worry about disappointing family and friends, don't worry about embarrassment, worry about the future if you stay with him.
You've spent 10 years with him and it might seem a lot now but you're only 25, you have many more 10 years to go and you need them to be happy ones. Go now and never look back, marriage won't change him.
And now, let's take a look at OP's updates about the situation:
FYI the snapchats are not work related (i.e. “Aw, okie, sweet dreams. Thanks for talking to me [insert cute pet name here] - got another win!”) and happened in the middle of the night. Turning off Snapchat notifications so his phone doesn’t buzz, and waiting until I am asleep or bathing to talk to her, only via Snapchat.
Then, OP speaks to her fiancé and provides this second update:
Talked to fiancé this morning. He insists it is nothing, he has no feelings for her (didn’t say ya did, just pointing out its weird as hell and a complete no no). But the more he repeats it the less I believe him.
He says she has an abusive ex and her dog is sick, so she needs support and to vent about work. Apparently at 12:30-2:00am. He does not use Snapchat to talk to any other co-workers, but it’s the preferred method of communication with this girl and the ONLY place they communicate.
She added him. It’s easier to communicate that way he says. He didn’t shut down her constant snaps because he didn’t “want to be mean”. Says she’s never been flirty before and the messages she sent in the middle of the night must’ve been because she was drinking.
Not going to point out all of the f-d up things about his explanation at the moment, pretty sure they speak for themselves. Waiting for him to get to the house to talk in-depth. I’m definitely getting half truths based on what he thinks I know.
Talked to co-worker, sent her a Snapchat (lol). Said “hey, I’m his fiancé. Not sure what you are speaking about in the middle of the night via Snapchat with my fiancé but you are overstepping what is appropriate by a long shot for co-workers.
Be considerate.” She said “sorry” and she was not aware of the extent of our relationship and did not know we are engaged. I’ve known his co-workers for years, they all know we are engaged and have a 10 year history. But not her. He failed to mention this to her, though he insists there’s no way she didn’t know.
Talked to a therapist. Gonna try to get him to come with me and see if we have the same goals for marriage and our lives moving forward. Hopefully resolve this immeasurable doubt that parked in in center of what should be the happiest day of my life and the disgusting betrayal of trust. Not willing to work it out? BYE.
OP provides her third and final update:
ONE LAST THING: Yes, we’ve been together since 15 and 17. He’s been faithful up until now, as far as I know and we have grown together in the same direction for the most part. Nothing is perfect in ANY relationship.
Yes, I was his first relationship and sexual partner. Yes, we have discussed exploring other partners. I am equally interested. But certainly NOT two months before the wedding and NOT in secret.
This is shady as f and anyone telling me it’s “normal” for this man who proposed to me to want to talk to a crusty ass co-worker in secret because I have been his only sexual partner and he wants to explore and “that’s natural” is equally f-d up.
Readers weighed in on the updates:
dirtymartini writes:
OP trust your instincts. Once a cheater always a cheater. If he's hiding it now he will continue to do so. If you give him another chance then he will just get better at hiding it.
You met him when you were very young. My parents met when they were 16 and married after college. My father cheated on her though most (if not all) of their 50 years of marriage.
We even found out that he was married to someone else for 15 years while still married to my mother. She still (stupidly) took him back. His "other wife" died and he ended up hooking up with her friend and carried on a relationship for years until my father passed away.
There are lots more people out there who will be worthy of you. He is not one of them.
intnertingslucy writes:
OP you deserve better. Yes 10 years is a lot to lose, yet you have many, many decades ahead of you to enjoy, and not with the cloud of doubt forever hanging over your head. It is just a matter of time before your SO’s ways would come to light - be grateful you found out sooner rather than in another 10 or 20 years from now.
Beware of the sink cost fallacy - those ten yours you’ve spent already. Forget that, imagine your situation today is one you just started a week ago. What to do now is clear enough - as they say, DTMFA.
Yes it will be painful, and find who your true friends are, and be determined to grow through this. “This too shall pass” got many a suffering person through hard times. Anonymous best wishes to you.