'AITA for having chocolate at my wedding even though one of my bridesmaids is severely allergic?'

"AITA for having chocolate at my wedding even though one of my bridesmaids is severely allergic?"

I (26F) am getting married this winter. My fiancé and I are super excited and we’re beginning to plan out the menu for our reception. For context, I really love chocolate. I’m sort of a chocolate fiend and one of my hobbies is going to chocolate shops and trying to find the best artisanal chocolates.

My fiancé and I actually met that way. Therefore, I’m planning on having lots of chocolate desserts at the reception and our wedding cake is going to be chocolate as well.

However, one of my bridesmaids (Eva) is severely allergic to chocolate. It’s not an airborne allergy, but if she eats it it’s serious enough that she’ll go into anaphylaxis and possibly die. When my fiancé and I were discussing the menu with the wedding party, she looked sort of upset.

After the planning session, I pulled her aside and asked what was wrong. She told me that she felt like I wasn’t taking into consideration her allergies when planning the wedding menu, and that she’d prefer it if there were only a few or no chocolate desserts at all.

I was sort of surprised since she’s never had an issue with me eating chocolate around her before and I assured her there’d be non-chocolate options as well for people with allergies or for just anyone who doesn’t like chocolate.

But she was still upset and said that it wasn’t fair that 85% of the desserts would be chocolate and that she’d feel left out if she couldn’t participate in eating the wedding cake.

She also brought up that the chocolate fountain we’re planning to have might splash on the non chocolate desserts, and even though I told her that the chocolate and non chocolate options would be separated, she still looked upset.

In the end she just left and later sent me a text saying that if I was a true friend, I’d change the menu for her.

I asked the rest of my bridesmaids what they thought and they’re all on my side, but my parents (who don’t like chocolate much) immediately took Eva’s side and said that I should change the wedding cake and menu to be more inclusive.

So I’m sort of in a predicament here, and any opinions would be appreciated! AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

creama5 writes:

If I were her, it would not only be about the fact that she can’t eat 85% of the desserts, but the chance of cross-contamination that could be fatal.

Are the non-chocolate desserts being provided by the same caterer? Have they been told that someone with a severe chocolate allergy? Do they know that steps need to be taken to avoid cross contamination?

Will the guests that could be eating from any or all of the desserts, and may or may not be drinking, be aware of the importance of not risking cross contamination?

If they get something from the chocolate table and then walk over to the non-chocolate desert, any crumb or speck that falls might not be noticed, but could be enough to cause anaphylaxis.

This woman is close enough to be a bridesmaid, have you talked to her about how you’ll protect her health? Or just given her vague assurances that “they’ll be kept separate?” YMBTA

symone6 writes:

ESH. It’s your wedding but you have a bridesmaid that is deathly allergic to chocolate and you plan to have a choc-out wedding. She doesn’t have to physically eat a dessert for her to get contaminated.

Are you making sure the catering staff know to use gloves? Is the person making the desserts using gloves, are they washing their stations after making the chocolate desserts? So much does into allergies, she has a right to be upset. I honestly just wouldn’t attend if I was her.

pudgsqui writes:

Weeeeellllll… as someone who despises chocolate, it sounds like I personally would not have a good time at your wedding in terms of dessert.

To be clear, your wedding menu ultimately comes down to what you and your fiancé want but I DO think it might be nice of you to consider offering a wider variety of dessert options for your guests.

Not everyone wants to drown in chocolate like Augustus Gloop and unless you have a lot of passionate chocolate eaters in attendance, you may find a lot of the dessert left untouched as it sounds like it may be a bit one note/overload.

As someone who also has a weird allergy, I can empathize with your bridesmaid. I won’t eat something if it’s in the same general vicinity as my food allergen and I worry quite a bit about cross-contamination if I see it on the menu.

Someone else has already said this but you absolutely MUST flag the severity of your friend’s allergy to your caterer.

This isn’t just a matter of them keeping the final desserts separate but that awareness will impact the precautions they take in the kitchen. I don’t think your friend approached this the right way but I can understand why, in her mind, she sees chocolate all over the menu and thinks “great, risk of death just went up 85%.”

I’m going to say NTA because, again, it is your wedding but I think you should have a conversation with your friend to see what kitchen precautions/alternatives would make her comfortable and also have a discussion with the caterer ASAP.

feeeat7 writes:

YTA Is everybody on here who replies NTA insane???!!! The bridesmaid would/could DIE!! During your reception!!! That'll sure as heck ruin it A LOT more than limiting the chocolate offerings!

Yes, I get that both you and the groom are chocolate connoisseurs, and this holds deep, sentimental value for you both, but perhaps you can find another way to display/treat your guests.

She has been polite enough to not leave the room when YOU (as in one person) eat chocolate around her, but i bet she was VERY aware of it. Any chocolate lovers going to kiss her during your day?

This is a possible trip to the hospital. Perhaps the suggestion that the chocolate offerings be put on one side of the room and the other flavors on the other could work for the bridesmaid...

but keep in mind that you are asking her to rely on at least 100 strangers/wait staff/guests in a literal party room of death (for her) in order for her to come to enjoy(?) your wedding. Give her some slack if you value your friendship.

garish writes:

NAH. You are well within your rights to plan your wedding in whatever fashion you please. However.

I have family with severe allergies like the ones you describe, and as best as I understand it, the fear of cross contact is real and it can be panic inducing. You have no idea what kid is gonna grab something contaminated with their hands and grab a shared utensil or a food item and the risks are scary.

However. She is not communicating this well with you if this is her actual issue. She might be embarrassed by her worrying and trying to deflect with the "left out and not participating" stuff, or those could be her genuine feelings.

It's tough. It really is. You shouldn't change your wedding plans or anything, but under a set of assumptions I could see why she would be upset.

crime3 writes:

Nta for having chocolate at your wedding. However, if this was about nuts, would this change your stance on accommodations?

You need to sit down and discuss with your bridesmaid the severity of her allergies. Is the slightest trace of chocolate through cross-contamination going to be a serious issue for her?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have chocolate at the wedding, but you should look into stricter allergies measures depending on the extent of your friend.

Sure you can have separate tables, but what will that change if every dessert was stored in the same place beforehand?

Why do you think many candies have “produced in a facility with tree nuts” on their packaging even if they don’t contain nuts? Because trace amounts through contamination are always possible and it’s better to be safe and avoid such things then sorry in the hospital.

Your caterer HAS to be informed about this to help prevent any accidental contamination from the source. The issue about the wedding cake is on her though, I must say. You’re not obligated to change your cake flavor simply because she feels she’ll be left out. She can just eat a cupcake or other non-chocolate dessert instead.

You’re not TA, but I feel you might not be seeing the true depth of the picture? Eva’s requests beyond allergy preventive measures are over the top. If the amount of chocolate you would be serving at your wedding would truly harm her, maybe it would be best for her not to attend, as harsh as that is (but I think that should be a decision for her and not you).

Asking you to reduce the amount of chocolate at your wedding or abstaining from serving it altogether is a HUGE ask. However, neither of us are doctors and I don’t want to minimize Eva’s allergies by assuming the least when it could be extremely deadly.

It all boils down to how far do Eva’s allergies go, and the steps you can take after that conversation. The scale of how much of an AH your friend is, would depend on the severity of that allergy, because if she could die from simple cross-contamination...

I could see why she would request you to reevaluate your menu, but if her allergies are not as intense in regards to contamination and only toward consuming actual chocolate, then her AH-ness would be a lot more, since you’re already planning to provide non-choc snacks at your wedding.

felattt writes:

NAH. I see both sides of this (which I hate, because I like clear answers). You love chocolate to the extent it’s a hobby for you, so you should get chocolate stuff for your wedding day.

Eva could have her throat close up from chocolate cross-contamination, so she will be on alert and have a shitty time even if she doesn’t go into anaphylaxis—plus she’ll resent you.

Since chocolate fountains are pretty naff anyway, could you sacrifice that and/or let Eva know she’s welcome to skip the reception?

As someone who was misdiagnosed with celiac disease for a whole decade (turned out I just have IBS that was getting triggered by gluten since I rarely ate it, woo!),

I know the frustration of trying to celebrate with well-meaning loved ones who say they’re keeping you safe when they’re not. This is why it surprises me Eva is planning to eat any dessert at all.

Here’s why: If your non-choccy desserts are being prepared in a kitchen that EVER prepares chocolate desserts, in vessels that have ever held chocolate, she will almost definitely consume trace amounts of chocolate because of cross-contamination.

There’s just no way to avoid it. So, either she’s not as allergic as she thinks (if she’s ok with eating anything from a caterer or bakery that ever preps chocolate) or she’s irresponsible about her allergy.

Responsible people with a true, serious food allergy don’t, in my experience, eat food they didn’t prepare themselves at home or buy from a reliable, allergen-free bakery/restaurant/source.

So, you might want to get some further details. How much chocolate will trigger Eva’s anaphylaxis? How often does her reaction happen, and when/how? Will she have epi pens with her and accessible at all times?

Would she like to bring her own dessert? Is she aware there’s no way you can safely accommodate her, keeping kitchen/equipment cross-contamination in mind?

Last thing, even when I thought I had celiac disease and would probably get cancer from it eventually, I would never have used the emotionally-manipulative language Eva used on you. Even if you were planning to serve your food on flour-dusted plates made of bread.

I’d have just let you know I wouldn’t be able to attend the reception or do everything required of a bridesmaid, so I would like to be a ceremony-only guest or not attend the wedding at all, please forgive me, yadda yadda.

And I’d make it clear no amount of change to your menu would really change this because of cross-contamination via shared equipment.

So Eva sucks a little for her approach and sloppiness about a life-threatening allergy, but perhaps not for feeling left out. She will need to be left out for her own safety.

corgiloverr writes:

NTA.OP, I say this as someone who despises chocolate cake, ice cream, and most chocolatey things to the point my uncle once joked to my mother that they switched me with another kid in the hospital when I was born, you would only be the AH if you switched the cake and menu.

Because you are being inclusive. If it was an airborne allergy, changing it would make more sense but it's not. All Eva has to do is put on her big girl pants and not eat the chocolate options.

Finally, the whole 'if you were really my friend, you'd do this' nonsense needed to be left in HS or freshman year of college at the latest. You're all (presumably) in your late 20s. It's not Eva's wedding. Go and eat as much chocolate as your bridal heart desires OP!

feast09 writes:

YT”A”. Not really an “asshole”, but being ridiculous.

You’re going over the top with the chocolate. Chocolate isn’t an identity. It’s not a classy wedding theme. You personally aren’t going to be eating all the desserts, they’re for the guests.

It’s great to have a chocolate cake and some of your favorite chocolate desserts to represent your tastes and the significance to your relationship, but having 85% chocolate desserts is just gauche and rude to your guests who are allergic to or don’t love chocolate...

traveled however far, spent however much on gifts, gave their whole evening, and now are leaving the dessert table empty handed because “chocolate girl’s wedding is all about chocolate girl”.

I’m allergic to tree nuts and yes I would be miffed if I was at a wedding 85% of the food options somehow included tree nuts, I wouldn’t care if the couple bonded over their shared love of pistachios.

If the cake has almond extract, I don’t care, that’s just one item, I know I have allergies and can’t eat everything. But if 85% of things have almond extract in them, that’s just to me poor hosting etiquette.

I would keep the chocolate cake since that’s the centerpiece and has the most significance. Ditch the chocolate fountain since those are kind of gross and messy anyway. And you would know better than me, but isn’t the chocolate in those notoriously low quality?