Bride won't invite fiancé's ex to wedding even though he shares a child with her. AITA?

"AITA for not inviting my partner's ex to our wedding, even though they have a child together?"

My fiancé (34M) and I (31F) are getting married soon and we're finalising the guest list. He has a daughter from his previous relationship and we're trying to include her as much as possible.

The issue is his ex (her mother) who expects to be invited to the wedding. For context, me and my fiance have the daughter for most of the time, her mother gets her maybe a weekend a month. She's a nice enough person but she has a lot of problems with drinking too heavily, and then becomes a less nice person.

While I understand that she's an important figure in our daughter's life, I'm just not comfortable with the idea of her there at the wedding.

From what I know, she's not made steps towards stopping with her drinking problem and I can only imagine what kind of choices she would make at the wedding and I don't want the stress of that on the day. She and I have had a pretty good relationship for the sake of the daughter, but there has been some tension and disagreements in the past.

For instance, when she came over drunk before and said that she wanted to see her daughter more, that I'm pretending to be her mother etc. I can understand where it's coming from and she is nice, but she ultimately has problems that she's not willing to confront at the moment.

I've tried to talk to her about it before, more for the daughter's sake but she just brushes it off even when she's sober. I want our wedding day to be about me and fiancé, rather than any potential awkwardness or drama.

My fiancé wants to keep things amicable for our daughter (and he also has a feeling that his ex is already annoyed that we're getting married; and this only got worse when she realised she wasn't invited) but understands my feelings on it.

His ex has already expressed her displeasure about not being invited and I'm worried that it will create more issues. However, I do want our wedding day to be focused on celebrating us without the stress of anything she might do. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

crwlsum writes:

NTA. It's a rare case where an ex partner gets invited to the wedding, even when kids are shared. There will be plenty of people there the child knows.

Plenty of people who will likely be willing to keep an eye on them. She can hang out with her grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins when the bride and groom are busy. Mom doesn't need to be there.

And if mom has a drinking problem she's not addressing, she shouldn't be there. That's almost asking for an incident.

After all, if she can't handle the very normal thing of not being invited to an ex's wedding, then how's she going to handle the much more challenging task of watching her ex get married and move on? She's not going to handle it well, that's for sure, and after some drinks it's very likely she causes a scene.

oldyella writes:

YTA. If you're legitimately trying to include his daughter, then you know the answer to this question. You're including her, but you're excluding her mom, and that puts her in a place where she is made to understand that you're only on her side conditionally.

Either cut the girl, or include the girl, but don't try to have it both ways. Your ex made a shitty choice. Be the bigger person and hope he doesn't have a type.

Your wedding isn't about your partner's coparenting relationship and should not be centered around it. In fact, this is a time where you need to be strong and set and hold boundaries with the ex. If she learns from this that all she needs to do to get her way is throw a fit, guess what she's going to keep doing forever.

blackwil writes:

NTA your future husband has to understand y'all can't be amicable by sacrificing y'all peace. Little one is gonna be in th wedding and have a role while Mom won't. You also know how she is with alcohol that's not a good environment for little one. Whoever in charge of taking her home shouldn't have to watch her drink herself silly and be responsible for her.

That's just not fair. She is not invited and anyone giving push back can stay behind with her. No one should have to pull themselves away from the wedding to tend to a grown women.

plewtrt writes:

NTA. Your wedding day should be about you, your fiancé, and your joy together. While it’s important to consider the feelings of others, especially when a child is involved, you are not obligated to invite someone who might disrupt the celebration or cause stress due to unresolved personal issues.

It's great that you’ve managed a good relationship with her for your stepdaughter’s sake, but your wedding is a boundary that you are entitled to set, especially given her history of unpredictable behavior.

It sounds like you and your fiancé are on the same page about what’s best for your wedding day, which is crucial. Maybe there’s another way to ensure that his daughter feels the connection with her mom around the time of the wedding, like a special outing together before or after the big day.

melodis writes:

There absolutely no reason a ex spouse should be included in the wedding! The idea is beyond stupid no matter how nice they are. To invite a drunk, weekend, holiday parent? Are you from another planet! Setting yourself up for failure?

The child sees them 2 days a month! Why would she need that person around for any reason! Why would you or anyone think this is even possible!