Bridesmaid gives bride an ultimatum: 'pitch in or we won't be at the wedding.' AITA?
"WIBTA if I tell my friend that if she doesn’t pitch in, her bridesmaids will not be at her wedding?"
Three friends and I (27F) were invited to a high school friend Rene's (27F) wedding. R is currently based in California, and we are all based overseas. Rene wants us all to be bridesmaids and is also expecting us to plan the bachelorette party. While we were all close friends in high school, we have all grown a bit apart, and are not in frequent contact with Rene.
While we all love her, our relationship has changed a bit from the "best friends that are constantly together" friendship that we had in high school. We calculated the cost of this wedding and have concluded that it will roughly take 3-4K USD overall for the trip, which would be minimum 5 days due to travel time.
Rene has not offered to help us with the cost of the trip, and if we all go this will be a huge hit for us financially, and we would have to take multiple PTOs as well.
If Rene is not willing to pitch in, we realistically cannot go, but Rene seems to think that since we have been best friends for so long, we should be there for her special day. She has talked about wanting to have her wedding in California since we were teenagers, and we all know that her dream included us as her bridesmaids.
We plan on telling her that while we love her, we cannot afford to go financially. We are worried that she will get offended that all of her bridesmaids do not think that her wedding is worth the time and effort.
She also comes from a very well-off family, as does her fiancé. She is currently in grad school and does not have an income. She has mentioned the fact that she is "poor" to us multiple times, but as she does not have experience working or growing up with an average income, she does not seem to understand how significant the cost of this trip would be for us.
We don't want to offend her or ruin our friendship, but our friendship is also not at a state where we can happily dish out 3-4K USD for her. I feel like putting this ultimatum on her, especially for something as important as her wedding could be an ahole move, especially as she does not have an income at the moment.
WIBTA if I tell my friend that if she doesn't pitch in, all of her bridesmaids will not be able to go to her wedding?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Rikutopas said:
YTA. This sounds a lot like a group of women is talking behind the back of one woman who thought they are all friends, but the group doesn't actually consider her a friend. You are a grown woman who was asked to be a bridesmaid by a friend.
I will take your word for it that you cannot afford to attend the wedding as a bridesmaid. Instead of talking to all your other group about it and ganging up on her, I think you should tell you that you are honored but cannot accept.
If you still consider her a friend, you should make it clear that you are very sorry and try to find some other way to attend the wedding (maybe as an ordinary guest for just one day) and if not, find a way to celebrate with her outside the wedding.
Under no circumstances should you speak as a group organiser, ask her for money, or suggest that she wronged you by asking you to stand up with her.
Pristine-Rhubarb7294 said:
YTA for asking or expecting your friend to pay for you to come to her wedding. If you can’t afford it, fine tell her that but it’s not a bride’s job to pay your travel expenses. Even if her family is well off, it doesn’t mean your friend is. For someone complaining Your friend doesn’t know what it’s like to be a grown up it’s hilarious you think this is ok.
soph_lurk_2018 said:
YTA if you approach it as a group conversation. The constant use of “we” is off putting. You all decided you cannot afford it, so you’re not attending. It shouldn’t be a group conversation. It should be an individual decision.
FunProfessional570 said:
NTA for realizing you cannot afford to go. However, you can’t give her an ultimatum to pay. You might think her family is well-off, but maybe they won’t giver her any or it’s not as liquid as you think. It’s none of your business.
Do not speak for others. Please call her and tell her in a call that you’re honored she’s asked you, but you are not in a financial position to be a bridesmaid/attend. Then you let the others do the same or suck it up.
HoshiJones said:
NTA, but you shouldn't frame it like that. Just tell her the trip is not in your budget, but you wish her every happiness and you can't wait to see the wedding pictures.
CrabbiestAsp said:
YTA. Just tell her that you can't afford it so can't go. I wouldn't ask her to pitch in for everyone to come. I wouldn't be able to afford it if I were in your situation but I'd never ask someone else to cover some of it for me.