'AITA for wanting to bring my late brother's BF to his funeral in spite of my family?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to bring the partner of my brother to his funeral?"

A little over a month ago, my little brother who was 26 passed away in a motorcycle accident. His death was so sudden and its hit my family very hard. I honestly still can’t believe it. With this unexpected loss, we had no idea how to organize a funeral while dealing with our grief. My brother always said he wanted to be cremated when he died so at least we were able to honor his wish.

It also made it a little easier to take our time to plan a proper service for him without worrying about his body. The week my brother passed, I drove to his apartment to pick up some of his stuff and met his roommate (I’ll call him M), who my sister already told the news.

Only I came to find out M was more than that. He was my brother’s boyfriend of 5 years. He was so heartbroken and upset he didn’t even try to hide the fact that they were a couple.

While I was a bit surprised, I had my suspicion growing up that he might like guys. But I never said anything. Being his older brother and all, I figured he’d come to me when he was ready. I wound up staying for hours talking to M about my brother and going through photos.

Since then I kept contact with him to see how he’s coping and I started visiting a lot just so we both had someone to talk to. He’s a great guy and I’m really happy my brother found someone like him to spend his years with. Having these talks with M have also made me feel a lot closer to my brother again.

My brother distanced himself from our family at 18 and didn’t keep much contact with anyone; even me despite us being as close as two brothers can be. Which looking back now, I guess I can see why.

My family was finally able to organize a proper funeral service for my brother. The service is scheduled for this Friday. We’re still limited on how many people can be there so only close family will be attending and it’ll be live-streamed for everyone else.

I really think M should be at the funeral. He just lost the love of his life and he really wants to be there too. We decided to tell my parents he’s a really close friend of my brother’s. My sister, who apparently knew about them flipped when she found out.

She told me not to bring M because our parents will question who he is and it might expose the truth about my brother being gay since they never met him before. We argued over this and she pretty much thinks I’d be an a$$hole for letting M possibly face ridicule from our family if they found out who he was. (they’re all close minded)

And also a terrible son if i upset my parents over my brother being gay while they’re still grieving him. This is all IF they find out. I don’t know if they will but it still doesn’t seem fair to not let M be there when he was such an important person in my brother’s life.

I feel like it’s only right to bring him but maybe I’m letting my emotions get the best of me and maybe someone with a different perspective can tell me. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Domitacus said:

M deserves to be there

gunslingrkitteh said:

In a perfect world, your sister’s concerns wouldn’t matter - but it’s not a perfect world. To me, if M knows the risks and is willing to come anyway, let him. Maybe your parents will surprise you and be happy that your brother found someone so wonderful? NTA, by the way.

OP responded:

I highly doubt it. They’re not the most open minded people when it comes to the LGBTQ community. M is aware of the risks and knows how my family is. I really don’t think there’s a possibility he’ll be outed somehow, but my sister seems to think so

KA1017inTN said:

NTA. Context: My husband of only four months and three days died unexpectedly on February 20. We'd been together for four years and four months in total.

Every single minute of the past 124 days has been a struggle just to force myself to keep living (and no, I DON'T have a history of depression; I simply don't want to live without him). I cannot IMAGINE how much worse it would be if I hadn't been able to give him, or be a part of, a proper send-off.

M absolutely MUST be given the choice to attend; leaving him out would be like killing him all over again (because trust me when I tell you, M already feels like he died right along with your brother). I cannot tell you how best to make this happen with a minimum of drama, but excluding him would be BEYOND heartless.

dragonflies272 said:

NTA. you should definitely bring M, who’s gonna out him? he deserves to be there

And RollingKatamari said:

NTA-this was your brother's longtime partner, he has every right to be at his funeral. Lie through your teeth if you must to your parents but denying him to come to his partner of FIVE years' funeral would be the wrong move. He is grieving his partner, his lover, his future, he needs to be there to say goodbye.

He later shared this update:

THANK YOU so much to everyone for your support and assuring me we’re doing the right thing here. I know I won’t be able to reply to every single comment so just wanted to express my gratitude.

Also I did want to say since people keep telling me to warn M about my family. He is well aware of how they are since my brother told him all about them and knows what he might be dealing with if anyone finds out. He still made the choice to be there and prefers being introduced as only my brother’s best friend.

Not because of my family’s homophobic views, but because he wants peace for himself at the funeral. If anyone does find out though, he won’t be alone. I’ll be standing by his side so anybody wanting to cause problems will be dealing with me. So please don’t worry. I won’t let anyone ruin this last chance for us to say goodbye to my dear baby brother.