Man tells brother his blended family problems are his fault; he 'replaced' his late wife 'like he was changing the sheets.' AITA?
"AITA for saying my brother created the mess blending his family and I can't change that?"
In the last 4 years my brother lost his first wife, the mother of his 13 year old son and 12 year old daughter, met his second wife at a widows support group and started hooking up with her within 8 months of both their spouses deaths, introduced her to the kids and realized they didn't like it, moved her in and married her anyway, had a kid with her and got her pregnant again (current).
Now he's shocked the kids are disinterested in building a relationship with his wife and don't consider his younger child or the unborn baby siblings. Family members suggested therapy to my brother a few times and giving the kids some more time to adjust to their mom being gone before moving in someone else and marrying her. I was one of them. But he dismissed it. He said everything would be fine.
The part where I come in was brought up after a fight between him and the kid at our sister's house. It was her 10 year old's birthday and we were all present. Siblings photos were being taken throughout the party, both birthday kid and siblings and other siblings present.
My brother wanted a photo of all three of his kids but the older two refused. He tried to pass the 8 month old to them and neither would hold her. He said he wanted a sibling photo and they said it would be just the two of them then.
It ended up in a fight over the half title and my brother asked if she was half of a person or half related to them. They said to them yes she was and so was the baby his wife was expecting.
His son said he'd be out of the house before either would remember them so it wasn't his problem to worry about their feelings when my brother brought up the feelings of the younger kids and how upset they'd be to have that rejection. Other stuff was argued over but the two kids made it clear they didn't love their half sibling and weren't willing to try and love her either.
A few days after the party my brother came to my house and he said things were messed up and he was tired of our parents and sisters doing nothing to help. I asked what he expected them to do.
He said we could all get through to his kids that they have another sibling and one more on the way and another mother figure and their family has grown and they need to be open to loving and accepting them.
I pointed out our mom had spoken to them about it before, about at least not outright rejecting the idea of a friendly relationship but they were still unhappy with things and didn't listen. He said we could have done better.
I told him we tried to tell him but he refused to listen and there was nothing more we could do. That he was their dad and had the final say. Then he said we should do more. I said we couldn't and that he made a mess of blending his family and there was nothing I or anyone could do to change it. I said the whole thing was on him.
He said I was as bad as our family and we're meant to be brothers and where's the compassion for him and his wife who lost spouses already and just wanted a family together before it was too late. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
He doesn't get to put his children in a blender, and he certainly isn't entitled to use you as one of the blades. NTA. Try to be there for your niece and nephew if you can.
Where does this guy get off?? Actually saying "where's the compassion for him and his wife who lost spouses already" when he gave zero f*cks that his children lost their mother and he replaced her like he was changing the sheets.
I know I've read something very similar before but hey, for those who are in similar positions but haven't posted, here goes. NTA. OP, your brother put his desires BEFORE everything else, including the kids that should have come first. He made the mess and now he's trying, apparently as usual, not to take any responsibility for it.
It isn't ANYONE'S place to 'talk' to the kids about accepting anybody. That just tells them point blank what they feel doesn't matter, in regards to the situation. By the way, telling kids their feelings don't matter is opening a door for people with ill intentions towards the kids, so don't do that FFS.
When they are old enough, they will get the eff out of that house and lose dad's number before they've even stepped off the front stoop in their haste to leave. I do wonder what kind of a father this guy was before the 1st wife died because from this, I'm guessing he was VERY hands off.
Exciting-Mango-6140 (OP)
Before his wife died he was different. Or before her brief illness. He focused more on himself and her to a point when she was sick. Then his focus was still on himself still after her death. He said they needed a happy and healthy dad for the best life possible.
Where’s the compassion for him and his wife?! lol what about the compassion he lacked for his kids losing their mother and not even a year after her death already moved a new woman in?
If trying to force his kids to be closer to his new children is driving them away from him and his new family then why keep on doing it!? Your brother definitely needs therapy because it’s his kids who are paying for his actions. NTA by the way.