'AITA for what I said to my 'stepmum'?' UPDATED
"AITA for what I said to my 'stepmum'?"
A few months ago I literally never would have thought I’d be making this post lol, but here we go.
My (16F) mum and dad got divorced a few months ago this year, and it was devastating for the whole family, but by far the worst on my mum. My dad had been cheating on her for 4/5 months with this woman from his department at work called Laura, and basically as soon as the divorce was finalised literally this summer, he married Laura in a small wedding that I refused to go to.
Background on my mum (43 F) she is probably my favourite person in the world, she’s genuinely so sweet and gentle, and has always been my primary caregiver/emotional support throughout my whole life (thanks a lot, dad) and she was always rly loyal to him so this was not a “both cheating” situation.
She was obviously distraught when my dad confessed to cheating and left, but I can tell she tried to hide it from me a bit bc she would always tell me to go out with my friends whenever she was crying/doing legal stuff around the divorce.
Laura (41F) is the opposite of my mum. She is vapid and annoying, and very much the dumb shallow bleach-blonde type that makes you think she would be 19 in terms of emotional maturity, but no, she’s actually middle aged and two years younger than my mum.
She knew my mum was married to my dad, and apparently embraced her role as mistress for months even though she knew I existed because I saw her a couple of times in passing when I went to my dads work, and he introduced me to Laura as his daughter.
Laura has really been embracing the “wife” role since my parents' divorce, and has been acting as though she’s now some kind of angel, always making bread and acting sweet with me and s#$@, as though she wasn’t being a massive homewrecker this summer when I was doing my GCSEs.
My parents get joint custody of me and live in the same small town, so at weekends I stay with my dad and have to put up with him and his affair partner (I still think of Laura as that lol) acting all lovey dovey. I usually just stay in my room until it’s over.
I hate Laura, obviously, (my relationship with my dad is more complex bc although I’m furious with him I still sort of love him bc he’s my dad) and it culminated at breakfast this morning when Laura tried to call herself my “stepmum” when I said that a parents evening at school was coming up so my dad would have to go (she apparently wanted to go to).
I was in a bad mood bc I hate mornings anyway, so I muttered something pretty mean about her intelligence under my breath. The conversation was basically as follows, summarised slightly:
L: Don’t talk to me like that please, young lady.
Me: I’ll talk to you how I want (I know this was pretty rude, please don’t judge me too harshly)
L: I am your dads wife now, and you just have to accept that unfortunately
Me (this is where it goes wrong): A ____ with a ring is still a ____. [Note: If you can't guess the word you can see it here.]
That’s when the conversation ended because Laura burst into tears and my dad got really mad. I’m currently in my room writing this, not sure what to do. I’m starting to feel kind of guilty because it was my dad who cheated, but I don’t forgive Laura and I don’t think I’ll ever like her.
I hate making people cry though, and I don’t know whether to go down and apologise or stand my ground on this. My dad and Laura are acting like I said something crazy out of line so I’m starting to think insulting her was the wrong move because I don’t want to start some new massive family drama. Please tell me if I am the AH, and if so, how can I make this right???
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Info: is your mom also seeing someone currently and if so how soon after the divorce?
Adviceneededplzhelp2 OP responded:
No my mum is still processing the divorce it was literally this summer and my dad remarried like a month after… that’s part of why it was so shitty Laura tried to play mummy when she’s only been on the scene for a few months and only even been the mistress since like March.
"I don’t want to go out of my way to pick a fight with Laura." You literally just wrote that you did go out of your way though. She said something that was in no way an insult, but you started this by insulting her intelligence and then took things thermonuclear by calling her a _____ to her face in response to her saying exactly what any adult would say to a child who has insulted them.
Not saying you don't have a right to resent the f#%$ out of this woman, but don't act like you didn't cause this drama.
I absolutely wouldn’t have said that unless she invited herself to my parents evening and tried to call herself “stepmum”. I shouldn’t have called her that, but I stick by the fact a 41 year old should realise I wouldn’t want her to go to a parents evening when she is absolutely not a parent and was a complete stranger to me a few months ago
As a divorced parent with children of 14 and 9 and a lot of issues with the ex wife, i have been through a lot of family court stuff, (our eldest kid moved away from mum to live with me) I’d like to offer you this thought.
You are 16 years old and you mentioned GCSEs so I’m assuming UK family law applies here. If you don’t want to go and stay with your dad (because of his new partner and your opinion of his contribution to the end of the marriage to your mum) then TBH you can choose to do that.
Family court orders are only in play if everyone agrees to them and they are set up for the benefit of this child (ie you). If you don’t agree with them you can just turn round and say “I’m not going to dads”, and family court/social services etc WILL support this.
My eldest is only 14 and has just done this literally for this weekend. Mum had no ground to stand on, I supported the kid because I understand why he has made this request (even though it’s F@#$%D my child free plans for the weekend lol).
Nta ofc you are angry. Sure your dad is one who wrecked your home as he was the one in relationship but I am tried of giving free passes to cheating other party these days by people.
If you are involved with married people despite knowing this fact, you are equally responsible. Stop validating them people. Ofc victims first blame always go to third party. It is natural response. I have no sympathy for cheating third party. Don't ever apologise to that woman and your father. !
Adviceneededplzhelp2 OP responded:
she literally looked at me while my dad said I was his daughter, and I spoke abt my mum so she knew they were still together and she STILL slept with him!!! Like she looked me in the face while I told her what exams I was taking in the summer and then decided to f#&$ my dad! I know my dad is the real culprit here but I’m glad I’m not crazy for feeling like she’s kind of a b#&$^ too
Later OP came back and updated the post:
Edit/update: Thank you so much to everyone supportive in these comments! I’ve decided to talk this through with a therapist, and I will try and live full time with my mum now. I will not be cutting off my dad completely, but I’m gonna take a break and collect myself before I’m ready to spend time with him again. Appreciate all the good advice I’ve been given xx
Edit 2: just to clarify I am NOT more angry at Laura than my father, I know at the end of the day it’s dad who broke the wedding vows. Trust me, he has had his tirade, lol, this is just specifically about her.