'AITA for calling my husband a disgrace after he said my miscarriage ruined his birthday?' + UPDATE
"AITA for calling my husband a disgrace after he said my miscarriage ruined his birthday?"
I miscarried yesterday afternoon about 12pm. I’ve never had a miscarriage before and this baby was so wished for so it’s all so fresh and I’m sobbing right now so I apologize in advance if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. My husband turned 27 yesterday.
I 26F was pregnant with mine and my husband’s 27M 2nd child. Yesterday, I was 8 weeks pregnant. The day before yesterday we saw a beautiful heart beat flicking on the screen and today I’m devastated.
I was playing with our 2 year old when I felt a pressure in my lower abdomen. Not long later, I noticed bleeding and I let my husband know immediately that I had discomfort and bleeding.
Before long I had passed what I believe is the fetus and I messaged him “I think I lost the baby”. I wanted to keep him updated and I guess I was seeking some kind of emotional support. I asked if he could come home and he said “of course, if it’s urgent”.
I said I think it is because the pain and bleeding is getting worse and I’m starting to feel lightheaded and our 2 year old is unattended in his playroom right now. We have no friends or family near that I could call who would get to us quicker than he could.
I had to clean myself up, crawl down stairs to take paracetamol, make my son his lunch and then put him down for a nap. At this point my husband still isn’t home. He was working approximately 30 mins away and took closer to 60 mins to get back. Hours later when I asked, it was because he’d stopped at Tesco to pick up some beers.
I ended up very poorly, losing lots of blood, lightheaded, vomiting etc and he had to take me to A&E. By the time I was discharged it was almost 8pm. Last week, I had said I’d make him his favorite dinner for his birthday which he reminded me when we were almost home.
I said I wasn’t feeling up to it and that whatever takeaway he wants is on me. He said “for eff sake” under his breath and then muttered something along the lines of “this BS has ruined my birthday”.
He didn’t stop to get any takeaway. He just drove straight home. He put our son to bed and I went to bed and I’m not sure what he did after. I didn’t see him this morning as he had already left for work.
He’s not messaged me all day and he got home a few hours ago (it’s now 8. 40pm) and he’s been giving me silent treatment. I tried to speak to him about an hour or so ago and he ignored me and I called him a disgrace.
He slammed the bedroom door and locked me out of the bedroom. His mum has since messaged me and said I need to be patient as he’s also had a loss. She didn’t ask how I was or anything. He’s obviously speaking to his mum but why isn’t he opening up and speaking to me? She said I was harsh?
I’m feeling utterly emotionally neglected right now. My body has been through emotional and physical hell. I understand that my miscarriage came at an inconvenient time for him as it was his birthday and all. I’m not sure if it’s the hormones making me feel crazy but is it nuts to contemplate divorce? AITA for calling him a disgrace?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
IMPORTANT You are still at risk of infection at this juncture. It's still dangerous for you. Monitor your bleeding and temperature. Your marriage is over. How long you stay with him is up to you.
But this man is neither husband nor father material. He cares more about his wants than your or your child's needs. It took a crisis like this to show who he really is. NTA. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.
ProgressDependent703 (OP)
I also have tonsillitis at the moment so I’m feeling really rough. How will I know if a fever is from that or the miscarriage? I currently have a low grade fever at 37.9°c but I’m not sure what it’s due to. The bleeding is no longer heavy.
Honey, have you got a doctor to consult? Best to ask them. I don't know how to tell the difference, I just know I wound up with an infection and emergency d&c a week after a miscarriage. (The bleeding didn't slow for me plus a slight fever. ) I didn't expect to be sick later. Hugs.
ProgressDependent703 (OP)
I spoke with my doctor yesterday and because of the bank holiday weekend I can’t have a scan until Tuesday (to confirm everything has been passed). I spoke to a pharmacist today who said ti try home remedies because he doesn’t think it’s severe enough for antibiotics at this point as he could only see 3 white spots on my tonsils.
He's lucky all you did was call him a disgrace. I'd be calling him my ex-husband. He knows his son is home alone with you and he stops for beer? It's one thing if he cannot leave work or cannot leave immediately. He chose to make a needless stop. Then you lost a lot of blood and were just all around in a bad way and he says it ruined his birthday??
He wants you to cook?! You said that BEFORE you lost the baby. Before you had to go to the hospital for losing lots of blood. The lack of care is so shocking. Take the time to heal. You still might want to reconsider this marriage. I know it would be over for me. I highly doubt this is the only time he's shown this complete disregard for your well being. And, obvious NTA! Sorry for your loss.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. This is harrowing to read. I am so sorry you lost your baby. I am so sorry you have a heartless AH for a husband, who doesn't even seem to care that you (as in, you two together) lost your child, who doesn't even seem to care about your physical health or emotional wellbeing.
This is not how things should be. You deserve someone who, bare minimum, cares about you. It's not nuts to contemplate divorce. This is not love. This is heartbreaking to read. I hope you and your 2 year old can build a beautiful, warm, loving, safe, caring life together. And maybe, if you want to, one day you will find a new partner who will love you properly.
I am so sorry this happened and I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care as you recover from this, both physically and emotionally. Sending a gentle hug your way. Obviously, OP, you're not the AH. My heart breaks for you.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
I should have clarified in my original post from last week that the way my husband responded was completely out of character for him. He’s usually a caring and supportive man and is a good husband and father.
The ONLY incident where he’s shown any kind of red flags was when I put together an accent chair (I used a screw driver to attach the legs to the seat) and when he came home from work and saw that I’d done it myself, he jumped on it until it broke to show that I didn’t do it properly and that I should have waited for him to come home.
He’d been under lots of stress at work so I asked him to go to therapy (which he did) instead of pulling the divorce card straight away. We have been together for 7 years in May and is the only partner I’ve ever known. My family all love him and have accepted him from day 1.
I also should have clarified, yes, I know he was an AH in the scenario - I wasn’t questioning that. What I was questioning was whether I took it a step too far in calling him a disgrace.
He’s going through a lot at work at the moment, it was his birthday, I’d been messaging him and telling him that I’d miscarried his child and he had to leave work early and then I called him a disgrace after he’d taken me to the hospital and was responding to the grief in his own way.
I think the majority of people said I was NTA in this scenario and due to his behaviour that my insult was justified. Thank you to everyone who reached out, checked in, offered condolences and emotional support. I’ve read all my messages and tried to read most of the comments. Most of them have been very kind and useful and have helped a lot over the past few days.
I had a scan yesterday which confirmed that everything has passed successfully. Some people may remember that I was very worried about retained tissue due to my fever over the weekend. Also, my tonsillitis has fully cleared up so I’m feeling almost back to normal, physically.
I left my husband. Me and my son are staying with family in a different part of the country so we are safe and are managing. My husband did get very angry when I told him that I was leaving him, he tried to stop me from leaving with our son, put hands on me and threatened to end his life.
My mum intervened and like I said, we are safe. I have some time off work now so I will continue to take time to recover emotionally and plan my next steps. Thank you if you’ve read this far. I doubt there will be any more updates after this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
The chair thing is insane. Absolutely bonkers. I'm glad your safe and you left him, stress is no excuse for behavior. Being snappy or grumpy is one thing, but his behavior is on another level. He needs serious help.
I’m glad you left him. But I am concerned you’ll go back based on how this post is written. You are still speaking about him like he is a good husband and are justifying his behaviour. Stop doing that. Make a therapy appointment for yourself.
ProgressDependent703 (OP)
He’s not here to defend himself so I’m trying to make it as fair as possible from both sides so he’s not made out to be a monster. I have a therapy session booked. I will not be returning to him as he’s not someone that I want my son to grow up watching and witness that behaviour thinking it’s normal.
He’s a monster. Sorry not sorry. The chair thing is ludicrous.
"When he came home from work and saw that I’d done it myself, he jumped on it until it broke to show that I didn’t do it properly" that's what you're calling a kind of red flag? That was an insanely disproportionate and destructive response.
I hope that after you settle down more, you'll find time and the financials to attend therapy. For yourself and your son's sake. I have a feeling that you'll discover a lot more abusive behavior.
You've now slotted into the "usually he's kind and a good father" category that you've excused away because it wasn't as openly abusive as the chair and miscarriage incident. Best of luck and I truly wish the best for you and your son in the future.